This is very hard
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 12:21 pm
This is about my 6th attempt at this introduction over the past couple of weeks. It's very hard. I hate talking about myself and find it very difficult to put into words my depression or how I feel.
I'm 55, and have been under the yoke of major depression all my life. When I say "all my life" I mean pretty much that. I can vividly recall being 5 or 6 and deeply hating myself and wishing I had never been born and could die. And, that's pretty much been my daily life ever since. I honestly cannot recall a time in my life when I wasn't hating and beating myself up for being a loathsome, worthless piece of crap. Not a day has passed when I didn't want to die, either by my own hand or by some miraculously fatal event. I've never wanted to live. To say I've hated life is a gross understatement. I've wandered through my life, detached, lost and afraid.
About eight years ago, I was laid-off from my last soul-sucking job. ever since, I've been what I call "functionally unemployed". I scratch-out a very meager income freelancing, but my hear isn't in it. I've worked my entire life as a graphic designer and, after the last lay-off, I came to the realization that I never really liked doing the work. Frankly, I no longer see any up-side to being creative anymore. I can't tell you last time I simply sat and drew. I used to draw for hours at a time. Now, though...I just don't care. Art used to be the true love of my life. Now...I see it as almost as worthless as me. I just don't care anymore. I see no future for myself, so why should I care?
My history with therapy isn't stellar. It just never worked for me. It all seemed so silly. All the little "homework assignments" and whatnot. Utter bullshit. Meds were ok. The only med that seemed to do anything for me was an ultra-high dosage of Wellbutrin. But, even that only served to make the lows only a bit less low. But, once the generics hit the market, my insurance wouldn't pay for the brand anymore and I had some very bad experiences with the generics. So, I stopped taking meds. I internalized my depression even more, putting a bigger, tighter cork on the building pressure of anger, hate and frustration. Every once in awhile, something tiny would happen and I'd explode, releasing the pent-up fury. Then, the cork would go back on and the pressure would build again.
I've tried doing Paul's suggestion of Googling low-cost therapy for my town. It's pretty fruitless. It's a small, failing midwest town and there's very little here. Anythign that comes up in Googling is universally entries for sliding-scale payments. Unfortunately, you have to be seriously destitute to qualify, which we aren't. We have insurance (self-insured, and it's financially breaking us) but our insurer (Anthem) recently changed the way they pay for therapy. It used to be a simple co-pay. Now, it's a co-pay for the office visit, plus you pay out-of-pocket for the actual therapy session. They're treating the therapy as a separate service rendered, just like if you got an x-ray at your doctor. It's insane, since therapy is a weekly, ongoing thing, and takes therapy out of my ability to afford. It just isn't going to happen.
The past year or two have been extremely hard. I seem to be heading down a darker path now. I had serious back surgery two years ago and, as a result, can no longer do much in the way of exercise. I used to run semi-regularly and loved it. But, that's a big no-no now. Walking is ok, but not the same. Being alone at home throughout the day (I work from home) is definitely taking its toll. I scream at myself a lot, and I've taken to physically beating myself in the head with my fists hard enough to see stars and become dizzy. I ask out loud (to no one in particular) "Why can't I just die?" I manage to pull myself together before my family starts arriving back home. I don't think anyone knows what's going on in my life. Honestly, I'm not sure they want to know. My wife knows I'm depressed, but I don't think she knows just how deep it goes. The few times I've dared express even a sliver of how I feel about myself to her, she's told me "Please, don't." So, I've learned to keep it to myself. At night, in bed, I mouth a silent "I'm so sorry." in her direction, apologizing for being such a failed husband and father. Then, I roll over and silently pray that tonight will be the night I finally die in my sleep. Then, when I awake the next morning, I'm pissed that it didn't happen. And, so, I start another day in Loserville.
I'm sorry this has rambled on like this. I didn't mean to spill myself out like this. I don't know how much of a participant I'm going to be here. I'm not sure what I can bring to the discussion. But, I like Paul's podcast, so I thought I'd see what the community was like.
I'm 55, and have been under the yoke of major depression all my life. When I say "all my life" I mean pretty much that. I can vividly recall being 5 or 6 and deeply hating myself and wishing I had never been born and could die. And, that's pretty much been my daily life ever since. I honestly cannot recall a time in my life when I wasn't hating and beating myself up for being a loathsome, worthless piece of crap. Not a day has passed when I didn't want to die, either by my own hand or by some miraculously fatal event. I've never wanted to live. To say I've hated life is a gross understatement. I've wandered through my life, detached, lost and afraid.
About eight years ago, I was laid-off from my last soul-sucking job. ever since, I've been what I call "functionally unemployed". I scratch-out a very meager income freelancing, but my hear isn't in it. I've worked my entire life as a graphic designer and, after the last lay-off, I came to the realization that I never really liked doing the work. Frankly, I no longer see any up-side to being creative anymore. I can't tell you last time I simply sat and drew. I used to draw for hours at a time. Now, though...I just don't care. Art used to be the true love of my life. Now...I see it as almost as worthless as me. I just don't care anymore. I see no future for myself, so why should I care?
My history with therapy isn't stellar. It just never worked for me. It all seemed so silly. All the little "homework assignments" and whatnot. Utter bullshit. Meds were ok. The only med that seemed to do anything for me was an ultra-high dosage of Wellbutrin. But, even that only served to make the lows only a bit less low. But, once the generics hit the market, my insurance wouldn't pay for the brand anymore and I had some very bad experiences with the generics. So, I stopped taking meds. I internalized my depression even more, putting a bigger, tighter cork on the building pressure of anger, hate and frustration. Every once in awhile, something tiny would happen and I'd explode, releasing the pent-up fury. Then, the cork would go back on and the pressure would build again.
I've tried doing Paul's suggestion of Googling low-cost therapy for my town. It's pretty fruitless. It's a small, failing midwest town and there's very little here. Anythign that comes up in Googling is universally entries for sliding-scale payments. Unfortunately, you have to be seriously destitute to qualify, which we aren't. We have insurance (self-insured, and it's financially breaking us) but our insurer (Anthem) recently changed the way they pay for therapy. It used to be a simple co-pay. Now, it's a co-pay for the office visit, plus you pay out-of-pocket for the actual therapy session. They're treating the therapy as a separate service rendered, just like if you got an x-ray at your doctor. It's insane, since therapy is a weekly, ongoing thing, and takes therapy out of my ability to afford. It just isn't going to happen.
The past year or two have been extremely hard. I seem to be heading down a darker path now. I had serious back surgery two years ago and, as a result, can no longer do much in the way of exercise. I used to run semi-regularly and loved it. But, that's a big no-no now. Walking is ok, but not the same. Being alone at home throughout the day (I work from home) is definitely taking its toll. I scream at myself a lot, and I've taken to physically beating myself in the head with my fists hard enough to see stars and become dizzy. I ask out loud (to no one in particular) "Why can't I just die?" I manage to pull myself together before my family starts arriving back home. I don't think anyone knows what's going on in my life. Honestly, I'm not sure they want to know. My wife knows I'm depressed, but I don't think she knows just how deep it goes. The few times I've dared express even a sliver of how I feel about myself to her, she's told me "Please, don't." So, I've learned to keep it to myself. At night, in bed, I mouth a silent "I'm so sorry." in her direction, apologizing for being such a failed husband and father. Then, I roll over and silently pray that tonight will be the night I finally die in my sleep. Then, when I awake the next morning, I'm pissed that it didn't happen. And, so, I start another day in Loserville.
I'm sorry this has rambled on like this. I didn't mean to spill myself out like this. I don't know how much of a participant I'm going to be here. I'm not sure what I can bring to the discussion. But, I like Paul's podcast, so I thought I'd see what the community was like.