YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Greetings from Maine!

First of all, I would like to take a moment to thank Paul and all of you for giving me the courage to do this. "You are not alone" is not so trivial, as a lot of us know. Though I've been battling depression (officially) for the past 8 years, I'm finally realizing that I'm truly not alone, though sometimes it is certainly difficult to feel that way. I'm currently taking SSRIs, and seeing my therapist biweekly.

Cue the "nobody gives a shit" self-talk!

I'm currently a 29 year old full-time grad student working on my masters in teaching physical science, and a supremely proud father of the best 3 year old daughter in the multiverse. ...Of course grad school and teaching are hardly harmonious with my perfectionist tendencies, anxiety, and depression. I live alone (also great for the depression) and have my daughter half of the week. This is a relatively recent development since July 2012, after her mom decided that after six years, she no longer wanted a relationship, thus ending our engagement. This was for the best, though financially brutal.

This experience has been liberating, but challenging as I attempt to redefine and work on myself. As the semester winds down, I'm feeling that hopeless, "I'm not good enough/I can't do this/I'm letting everyone down including myself" pit of despair swallowing me up. I've really struggled with school work, and am greeted with paralyzing anxiety when facing demanding tasks. "Just do it" taunts me to no end. Why am I having so much trouble just doing "it"? Is it really that hard? Certainly topics for later posts.

I'll wrap this "short" introduction with a recent victory.

I came to the recent realization that events in my past were not as I had been perceiving them to be. Thanks to the podcast, as well as others stepping forward (R.A. Dickey just to mention one (see Sports Illustrated)) to discuss sexual abuse from their past. I had never identified what had happened between an older friend and myself as being molested. When I was fifteen, after a night of drinking, he, at eighteen, convinced me to masturbate in front of him. It didn't happen again until a few years later. The occasions following involved him pleading, begging, convincing me until I finally gave in. There were times when he masturbated me, and once when he put his mouth on my penis even after I had pushed him away. He also talked me into masturbating him a time or two. Of course, I was full of shame, embarrassment, and confusion. I told no one until last year. Though I haven't seen him in several years, I have talked to him on the phone (about 2 years ago), and he has sent me the occasional text or facebook message. I decided to confront him about what he did to me. I attribute much of my feelings of inadequacy the the manipulation he subjected me to. I wanted to be just like him. He had an inspiring taste for music, movies, and books. He was super smart, and I just thought he was so cool. He took advantage of that. So I sent him the following message the other day.


"It’s been fourteen years since it first happened. You took something from me, and now I’m reclaiming it. I thought you were so cool. I had so much respect and admiration for you. I wanted to be just like you. It’s taken me a long time to realize that what you did was so manipulative, so calculating, so selfish, so weak. I’m not that fifteen year old boy anymore. I’m letting go of the shame I’ve carried for so long. Half of my life has been devoted to trying to convince myself that it was ok, and trying to dissociate from the pain. Memories of you begging, pleading, rationalizing, convincing. These revisit me with ever-increasing clarity. My refusals, hesitations, tears... no match for your perfectly orchestrated offense. Thankfully, I am not alone. Sadly, neither are you. I’ve been encouraged to confront you by others whom have been molested. Our situation was not uncommon. Not only did you violate my body, but you desecrated my trust. With these words, I am greeted with a satisfying sense of bravery and liberation. You, on the other hand, will be encumbered with cowardice and shame. There is solace to be found here, but it is not for you."


I'm still not I'm feeling completely satisfied yet. He hasn't responded, not that expected him to. That's my huge share. I'm happy with that for a first post.

PHEW!

I'm looking forward to maintaining a presence on the forum, and look forward to supporting, and being supported by you all.

Thank you so much.
-mentalinmaine

As someone who's been through grad school - though in the arts, not science - I understand how demanding it can be. It's incredibly hard but entirely worth it.

The best choice I made, though, was to get help - all schools have free counseling services for students. Use it! It's full of graduate students studying various types of counseling, and they're supervised by their advisors, but still very effective and they're all very honest if they don't feel they are qualified to help you. If that's the case, then they refer you to a counselor well within your financial range.

Use it - I know ALL too well the feeling of inadequacy, especially when the courses get tough near final evaluations. You get depressed, stressed, can't focus, and then you lose your shit. If you've got a counselor, they can help you through that part.

I think fifthsonata has great advice. A counselor can be really helpful, if nothing else as a place to have somewhere safe to vent but also a valuable resource.

Thank you for sharing the personal victory. I can only imagine what that must have been like, but I hold trust as a cherished and valued thing and not to be treated lightly. For someone in that position to take advantage is such a huge breach of trust. Though it took time you are making advances on finding out you are enough, you can "do it" and you will.

I can relate to your personal relations having gone through something much similar myself. I hope you're finding your way through that. Having your young one half the time can be both brutally frustrating and an incredible blessing.

welcome in!

as I attempt to redefine and work on myself. As the semester winds down, I'm feeling that hopeless, "I'm not good enough/I can't do this/I'm letting everyone down including myself" pit of despair swallowing me up. I've really struggled with school work, and am greeted with paralyzing anxiety when facing demanding tasks.

I can relate to a lot of this. You are good enough - just you. Not your accomplishments, not anyone else's expectations of what you should be. Just you. All the rest is icing on the cake when you have it. Remember that even if you don't succeed at something (horrors - not being perfect) - you deserve credit for trying your best. If you fall short sometimes, it means that you are continuing to strive and push the envelope rather than stay "safe" in your little bubble. Admittedly I have a hard time seeing this in my own life, but you deserve to hear it from as many people as you can until you can start saying it to yourself.

And your victory - that took a lot of courage to do that, and also to open up and post about it here. That's a good sign that you are moving forward. Best wishes.

Thanks everyone. Your words have been a source of much-needed encouragement. I am seeing a therapist, and have been making progress. The paralyzing anxiety is palpable at the moment with a mountain of work to catch up on at the end of the semester. Every task involves a battle in my mind, and I'm growing weary. I feel that I'm letting people down, and though I would never want anyone to think of me as a failure, that fear hasn't sparked the motivation that seemed easy to conjur up in the past.

How are you holding up? Did you make it through the end of the semester?

MentalInMaine,

Welcome to this forum. Your introduction and story were riviting. Congratulations on the courage to write and confront the person who violated your trust, AND to post it all on here. In my opinion, you should not write this person back (for a long while, or maybe forever?) if he replies to your letter.

Hope you are able to get focused on your studies. I have trouble focusing too. Depression, and lack of focus are my biggest challenges.

Peace to you,
InMyMind