Greetings

[Trivium68]

I have been listening to this podcast for over a year now. Some of the episodes I relate to, some are more outside of the severity of what I have.

Not that I judge anyone for them, it is just hard to feel like my issues are as important as some others.

I am 45 (will be soon)
I have been in therapy pretty much all my life. (on and off with gaps)
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young... probably 2nd 3rd grade.. early 70's... I was put on Ritalin, Dexedrine and saw a psychiatrist. (Ironically, later in life I ended up working with this therapist at the same agency..)

i have struggled with Peer relationships my entire life
I have struggled with being successful, school etc. I am intelligent but my ADHD definately is a disability and leads into depression when I get frustrated with feeling like I don't have things together.
I am not on medication, don't want to be on medication but I had found help by taking vitamins and eating well.
However, my life recently has been a disaster and the overwhelming stress has pushed me beyond my limits and has tested me. I feel like I have lost every inch of progress I made.

I have a fairly important position as a medical Records supervisor at a large Mental Health agency. i have been there for about 10+ years. However, the last year or so I have been on probation due to allowing my personal life spill into work. I don't handle stress well at all. I have been wanting to leave this job for some years now and my partner and I had a plan that seemed very workable but he has been sick for over a year and I have been having to support him and our plans to homestead and go off the grid have been derailed. WE are very very very far behind and now I am worried about money which is triggering my $$$ issues.

I am failing at work which is triggering my issues around not being more successful.

Now I am extremly angry and depressed . I feel resentful and hate everything in my life. I really thought I was doing better. I had friends and I worked hard to nurture them.. but I allowed Facebook to derail and destroy them by posting too much. Not neccessarily all ranting but I was very vocal and posted alot of various stuff.. Much was positive and uplifting but some was darker more political and issue oriented. I get angry that more folks would rather only watch American Idol and funny cat videos than deal with the very important issues of the day and awakening their consciounsess.

I started to go back to see a therapist but feel that might be slow.

My relationship with my partner showed some hope but it has pushed me and I feel ambivalent . He is spiritual (metaphysical) and a "healer" usually he is positive and supportive but sometimes he can be grumpy and stubborn and "old schooL".. our learning styles are totally different and the way we handle things is completely different. WE were getting along but I am so burned out. On top of that. We have no intimate life.. as he has been sick. We are sleeping in separate beds and I have been supporting him.

He used to have his own store that was successful but had to close it right before the 2008 crash and has struggled to find employement as a jeweler and artist..

I was hoping to find a new direction for my life but I have had to hang on at my work to make ends meet. I have been partially living on some money my parents left me but that is running out and I am utterly depressed.

I had a good solid plan.. but life never seems to go the way you expect.

I have no social network, no family.. just a cousin who lives about an hour away..

I am jealous everytime someone gets married.. or has some fun thing happen to them.. I feel like I am completely failing and my life is circling the toilet bowl.... I feel out of control of everything.. and I tried sooo hard to be responsible, do the right thing.. but I am throwing in the towl..

I don't take drugs and drink a little.. about 3 glasses on average a night.

However a couple of weekends ago I basically downed two bottles of wine and was extremely drunk. The first time my parnter saw me like that. I even "Blacked out". I know it was that I snapped. I feel I have no where to go...

again, i am seeing someone but just started and I am just so tired.

[Cheldoll]

Dealing with all the things you've faced and continue to battle with, it's no wonder you're tired.

Facebook can be very dangerous. Not only do you have to deal with frustration at the superficiality of "friends" only wanting to see cat memes, but you also are forced to view the highlight reel of everyone else's lives -- the engagements, the births, the new jobs, etc. I have to take a break from it every once in a while just so I don't go crazy (well, crazier than I already am).

Anyway, welcome to the forum. Keep seeing that therapist, listening to the podcast, and posting around here. It will definitely be slow... but it will be progress.

[tangledlaces]

You're dealing with a huge amount, not just one, but several life upheavals. I know, especially right in a row, that that can get wearying. It sounds like you are taking the right steps to help yourself get through it, but you're right, it will be slow. In the interim reach out to those you know, or trust and ask for help or support. Sometimes even if it is a very little thing it makes you feel like you've been heard. I think this forum is also a good place to find others you can connect with, who understand that when you say "I'm tired," it means you're so drained of energy you can hardly breathe much less function at a higher level.

Keep moving, even if it's a little. Eventually later will get here and if you just keep working towards it with little steps things will improve.