New to the boards and trying to avert a crisis
Posted: June 9th, 2013, 8:46 am
Hi all. I've been listening to the podcast for about a year now, but am just now signing up for the Forum. I started listening while at work to pass the time and find a way to relate to people who share the same struggle as I do. My life has been turned upside down in the last two years, beginning with an ectopic pregnany that nearly killed me. I have two little girls who are the only reason I still function at all these days. My husband lost a well paying job when the company imploded, and my work in the non-profit sector did not pay enough to keep us afloat in an east coast metro area with a high cost of living. I kept telling myself to be strong, that I had it so much better than many of the families affected by the company's closure, and I had to be strong for my husband. We floundered through the next six months after his job loss, He found another job, but it just barely paid more than unemployment, and our child care expenses were the equivalent of a mortgage payment. He got a chance call from a former supervisor, who had gotten a management position at a company in Texas, he wanted him bad, and was trying to pull strings to have relocation covered and a generous salary to boot. This was at the beginning of November. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas feeling melancholy as the negotiations stalled, not knowing whether this amazing chance was going to materialize or not, if this would be the last time I spent the Holidays with family, if my future would ever stop looking so dim. Just after the New Year, he got the official offer. It would not be a full relocation package, but something is better than nothing in this economy.
In the process of moving we lost our considerable support system, which I knew would happen, but underestimated the devastating effect it would have on me. Up until a few months ago, I worked full time, but had family who loved to spend time with the girls, which allowed me free time to decompress on the weekends. Now I'm a stay at home mom with a shift working husband (who is supportive, but works 60 + hour weeks more often than not) who has no friends, no adult interaction outside small talk with cashiers and the five minutes a day I can actually talk to my hubs, no transportation (I sold my car in preparation for the move, it was old, not worth keeping), no options for a babysitter, and a preexisting case of depression which wasn't really all that much bettered by the course of meds prescribed by my PCP.
I was prescribed Zoloft (after nightly crying jags that ensued after the ectopic ordeal) which was inched up over the course of a year, but by the time I felt relief, I was an unfeeling zombie who was dead from the waist down. I couldn't deal with the absolute lack of any sexual response or emotion, so I requested a switch to Wellbutrin after some research, finding out in the process that my PCP was really inexperienced in prescribing AD meds. She moved the dosage up slowly over the course of a few months, and i topped out at half the recommended dosage (I was on 150mg instead of the therapuetic dose of 300mg) without any real relief from my depression aside from the fact I was able to eat without being in incredible pain. I attempted to make an appointment with my PCP in November, when my stress level was skyhigh, and I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to give my kids Christmas presents. I couldn't get an appointment until February, though she did call in a refill on the Wellbutrin that kept me from throwing up everything I ate. The appointment was supposed to be a week before I left for TX, which I had planned to ask for enough refills on a higher dosage to get me through a period of having no health insurance. I got a call the day before the appointment cancelling it, and the reschedule couldn't happen until after I left the state. She wouldn't send a new script to the pharmacy, either. Let's just say that I couldn't be happier that there is now 1500 miles between me and that doctor right now.
So, essentially, I've had to go cold turkey off my meds that weren't entirely helping in the first place all while experiencing an incredibly stressful life change. I'm lost, I'm isolated, I'm alone, and lonely. I walk through everyday either in a fog of sadness or intentionally zoning out so I don't turn into a screaming maniac. I have no patience. I am irritable. I can't fall asleep without a sleeping pill, and I don't necessarily stay asleep once I fall asleep. I tried supplements (sam-e, st. johns wort, lithium orotate), but they're bullshit, and I'm kicking myself for wasting the money on something that did nothing for me. I'm smoking too much, I'm only eating to put on a show for my kids and husband, because I'm not hungry anymore, ever. I wake up with good intentions but no motivation. My moods deteriorate over the course of the day, starting mediocre at best and rapidly devolving from there. I can't even experience joy anymore. I haven't since 2010, and getting through the day is very hard when you know that you have nothing to look forward to. I still have a room full of fucking boxes that I can't muster the effort to unpack after three months of living here. I desperately miss my friends and family, but always feel hollow and sad when we skype or talk over the phone because I have nothing whatsoever to talk about except how weird it is in TX.
I've set up an appointment with an actual Psych, because two years of hell is more than I can take. It is in a little over two weeks, and I'm just trying to tread water until then. I need to get better so my kids can have a good mother.
In the process of moving we lost our considerable support system, which I knew would happen, but underestimated the devastating effect it would have on me. Up until a few months ago, I worked full time, but had family who loved to spend time with the girls, which allowed me free time to decompress on the weekends. Now I'm a stay at home mom with a shift working husband (who is supportive, but works 60 + hour weeks more often than not) who has no friends, no adult interaction outside small talk with cashiers and the five minutes a day I can actually talk to my hubs, no transportation (I sold my car in preparation for the move, it was old, not worth keeping), no options for a babysitter, and a preexisting case of depression which wasn't really all that much bettered by the course of meds prescribed by my PCP.
I was prescribed Zoloft (after nightly crying jags that ensued after the ectopic ordeal) which was inched up over the course of a year, but by the time I felt relief, I was an unfeeling zombie who was dead from the waist down. I couldn't deal with the absolute lack of any sexual response or emotion, so I requested a switch to Wellbutrin after some research, finding out in the process that my PCP was really inexperienced in prescribing AD meds. She moved the dosage up slowly over the course of a few months, and i topped out at half the recommended dosage (I was on 150mg instead of the therapuetic dose of 300mg) without any real relief from my depression aside from the fact I was able to eat without being in incredible pain. I attempted to make an appointment with my PCP in November, when my stress level was skyhigh, and I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to give my kids Christmas presents. I couldn't get an appointment until February, though she did call in a refill on the Wellbutrin that kept me from throwing up everything I ate. The appointment was supposed to be a week before I left for TX, which I had planned to ask for enough refills on a higher dosage to get me through a period of having no health insurance. I got a call the day before the appointment cancelling it, and the reschedule couldn't happen until after I left the state. She wouldn't send a new script to the pharmacy, either. Let's just say that I couldn't be happier that there is now 1500 miles between me and that doctor right now.
So, essentially, I've had to go cold turkey off my meds that weren't entirely helping in the first place all while experiencing an incredibly stressful life change. I'm lost, I'm isolated, I'm alone, and lonely. I walk through everyday either in a fog of sadness or intentionally zoning out so I don't turn into a screaming maniac. I have no patience. I am irritable. I can't fall asleep without a sleeping pill, and I don't necessarily stay asleep once I fall asleep. I tried supplements (sam-e, st. johns wort, lithium orotate), but they're bullshit, and I'm kicking myself for wasting the money on something that did nothing for me. I'm smoking too much, I'm only eating to put on a show for my kids and husband, because I'm not hungry anymore, ever. I wake up with good intentions but no motivation. My moods deteriorate over the course of the day, starting mediocre at best and rapidly devolving from there. I can't even experience joy anymore. I haven't since 2010, and getting through the day is very hard when you know that you have nothing to look forward to. I still have a room full of fucking boxes that I can't muster the effort to unpack after three months of living here. I desperately miss my friends and family, but always feel hollow and sad when we skype or talk over the phone because I have nothing whatsoever to talk about except how weird it is in TX.
I've set up an appointment with an actual Psych, because two years of hell is more than I can take. It is in a little over two weeks, and I'm just trying to tread water until then. I need to get better so my kids can have a good mother.