what would feeling well even be like?

[sullenboy]

hello all, i am a 45 year old glass artist from oregon. my diagnosis is long but primarily focuses on bipolar 1 and BPD. i struggle with motivation to push forward when it seems as though i've become incapable of feeling engaged in or enthusiastic about life. i try to imagine scenarios where my illness is alleviated but it seems as surreal as trying to imagine that i was a person off of the television or whatever. i think my sickness has eaten everything but the shell of me and i have already lost this game. has anybody here ever found themselves after losing hope?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello sullenboy, welcome to our little forum! Hope it is a place of comfort to you!

has anybody here ever found themselves after losing hope?

I guess I would meet that description. Building a self from the ground up is hard, and the end result is definitely different from being born naturally happy and well-adjusted. It will never be as "perfect" as not requiring any work and being born perfectly well-adjusted. The advantage to overcoming mental-illness is being able to help others in a similar situation, speaking from experience. Being able to speak from experience is the best for trying to help. There is no substitute. I wouldn't wish my total breakdown at the age of 25 on my worst enemy. But, here I am at the age of 42, and I am still learning things about being alive that knock me off my feet. And I am able to remember all of it, and communicate the thread of experience.

I cannot wait to read your written contributions to the threads here. Please take care. The pain you feel right now is a suffering that you don't deserve. All the best.

[ghughes1980]

You are definitely not alone Sullenboy. I struggle with those thoughts constantly. I have a hard time believing my therapist when she says that I can block them too. It seems impossible.

[Fargin]

Been there too.

I felt like a non-person and felt like in all social interaction, I just mirrored everyone else or was acting as a well trained parakeet. At some point I just gave up, thought yes this is it, as good as it gets. I don't know what exactly happened, but I got tired of giving up. I wouldn't say I've made some major life changes, but I try to fill a little content into my little, quiet life one day at the time.

[Arkay]

I relate to what you have written here. I have been pondering this question a lot lately. The idea of "happy" being one's normal state of being is so totally foreign to me. I wish I has something more helpful to say to you, but I just wanted you to know that I am fighting to find myself and a way forward in the absence of hope.

[LeeLeeLee]

When I am at my best, with the meds working, and things going well in my life, it doesn't necessarily feel like happiness, but more like the absence of hopelessness. It doesn't even always shade into a feeling of being hopeful, but the overall effect is a feeling of being able to live without too much difficulty involved. And that's a tremendous relief.

Hang in there.