YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello to you, the folks I don't know but feel like I do,

Let me start off by saying thanks to Paul G, every guest that's ever been on, and the listener community (which I imagine is great but in which I've never been too involved, honestly.) I sincerely believe that the world would be a better, more empathetic/compassionate place if this show were required listening.

About me: I am a 25 year old male. I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 but things got much worse throughout adolescence and my diagnosis was changed when I was 16. For the past 10 years, I've been on many different medications; I've been hospitalized, been on antipsychotics, lost jobs, ruined relationships, etc. But for the past year and a half or so, I've been pretty much golden. I had some periods of relative stability in the past but for the most part, from 14-23, I was a fucking wreck. So hopefully anyone that is reading this -- doing all the right things (therapy, medication, support groups etc.) but still frustrated, let me tell you, it just takes time to get all the right components together. There is hope. Don't give up. I sure wanted to in the past but man, I'm so happy I didn't.

What brings me here today -- finally joining the forum -- is that I've recently moved to another country to teach English. I've been so happy. It's been such a rewarding adventure and has helped me grow and learn so much but I recently ran out of my meds. My refill got lost in the mail and it's been about three weeks since I've taken my pills. If there were ever any doubts in my head that these pills had nothing but a placebo effect on me, consider those doubts squashed. The other day, I was at a gathering and I found myself not really wanting to be there. Things soon deteriorated to an "I CAN'T be here" kind of feeling. I started panicking and withdrawing. People started getting concerned and confused. I started to get a lot of "what's your problem?" type comments. Everyone felt like I was mad at them and that I was being a huge asshole. These people were so generous to have invited me to their gathering and I felt no ill-will toward them (I was in fact, supremely grateful) but sometimes, you just can't fake it. I couldn't do it and -- because of the language difference -- I couldn't really explain what I was feeling very well. I was already beating myself up and to find out that I was offending everyone else, it just compounded the problem. This whole situation was nothing new to me. This was pretty much my entire high school experience -- "Hey, what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" "I don't know. He's just some weird asshole."

All I know, is it sucks. And I was thinking -- how the fuck did I survive feeling like this all the time in the past? But I did, right? I basically want to blow my brains out right now but I know things get better when I'm back on that golden combination of medication -- when I feel like a real person -- a happy person. So I'm going to suffer now but I know things will be better soon enough. However shitty I feel, it led me to finally join this forum so I'm happy for that. I look forward to getting to know you all. Thanks for reading.

Welcome. I hope you find a way to get more medicine, since they help you.

Also, I am glad to hear that you enjoying your new job.

You know, just yesterday I remembered how just a few years ago I'd go to social functions where my presence would be resented, or I'd be condescended. I've learned the hard way it is often better for me not to go. And if I do get upset and want to leave, it is appropriate to say goodbye to the host and promise to follow up when I am feeling better.

Though it is a little gross, whatever the problem (emotional, relational) I hold my stomach as I tell the host I am not feeling well, implying diarrhea. That is the international language of "I've gotta get out of here."

And don't worry too much about high school: the only people who are interesting a few years later were the "queer" kids: whoever didn't fit into the cookie cutter.

Trust me, no one is interested in the people who enforced the demeaning status quo in high school (although sometimes they can redeem themselves through effort!).

Which is a long way of saying that you are going to be okay. Hang in there, and enjoy your teaching experience.

Oh, my friend, that's what made it so bad. I've gotten pretty comfortable with just saying, "hey, I don't really feel up to this so I think I'm going to head out. Thanks for the invite."

But I was 1.5 hours away from my apartment, I didn't drive, and there was a major language barrier. I had to stick around but I was a total wet blanket. I felt (and still feel) terrible about it but I was in that mindset where I just could not fake it. I could not pretend like I couldn't stand being there -- and when I'm feeling like that, it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter who is there -- I just can't do it. I need to be alone and regroup.

Thanks for the reply.