YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi Everybody,
I've been listenning to Paul's podcast for a long time now and have finally gotten the nerve to introduce myself. Yes I have a name but I'm mostly known by my mental disease which is schizo-affective disorder, which that alone drives me crazy because of the instant lack of respect I get and not being acknowledged as a member of this pathetic society. People can tell pretty much right away when they start talking to me that there's something wrong with me.

I've been walking dogs professionally for years and years, since I don't get along with most people, plus, I so much prefer my furry four legged friends to the morons who make fun of me. I'm also an artist (I posted one of my small paintings on Express your creativity called Losing Mind which shows my brain flying out of my head and me desperately trying to catch it). The meds I've been on from the start of my diagnosis have been too many to recall, and i''ve lost count how many hospitalizations I've had. I'm 54 now and they finally got the right combo but its your show Paul, thats made me face the demons of my past. The abuse from almost my whole family, 2 doctors, teachers, and more until I went to college.

I stuffed all those childhood real life nightmares down so deep, and my God, I lived in fear for my life every waking moment in the prison of my home that I became terribly damaged. Its too late for me to oopen up that huge can of worms and try therapy about it and I so wish I had access to this vital information this show provides about abuse thirty years ago. I also struggle with severe PTSD, chronic insomnia, nightmares when I do sleep, and of course talking problems with organizing my thought, hallucinations and major depression.

But since the last combo of drugs I'm on is working so well for the longest time now, that I'm thinking of writing a collection of short doggy stories from the gazillion adventures I've had with all the dog walking over the years (all are very funny and heart warming) and add to that my income of selling paintings and dog walking that it seems like for the first time in a long time I have a life and am happy. Can you believe it! Yes it took a long time, but its possible.

To this day I can't talk about what happened at home while trying to grow up. In fact, in my head, I'm seven years old. I put on make-up, do the whole hair thing and try and look respectable just to at least LOOK normal outside and that nobody knows about the horror story going on in my head. But, with wonderful zombifying meds, my days are more tolerable and although I'm kind of late in life, I actually have a goal that I think I can obtain and finally have something to look forward to besides the joy my adoring doggy clients give me. Well, thats my story.

All the best to all of you suffering from any form of mental illness.
Peace,
LostAlice.

Welcome Alice. Thank you for posting.

I am glad you enjoy your job of dogwalking, are showing off your artwork, and are willing to push yourself to try new things.

I am also glad you are seeking help, and that you've kept trying different things until you've found what works for you.

Rant, if you'll forgive me...

I grew up being Other, "queer", and people thought it was okay, good even, to comment on how I walked (??) or talked. Today, I have found my voice, my Voice, MY voice. One thing that I found works is when someone "offers" their "opinion" about something, unasked for, I feel socially empowered to start asking them questions right back.

Example:

Random stranger: "You walk funny."

Me: "Oh? Is there an objective standard of what proper walking is? If not, what certification do you have to judge walking?" etc. I think you see what I am getting at

Also, when some butthole asks/says something I don't want to answer, I pause, look at them, and ask "What makes you say that?"

See, people (asshats) rely on us buying into their silly and abusive worldview. If we reply to their nonsense, we are tacitly agreeing to their foolishness.

Which is a long way of saying, don't be afraid to make other people define their terms. Then be willing to apply their standards right back at them! Oh how they suddenly totally don't like judging!

Anyway, sorry for the rant.

You are a person of intrinsic worth and dignity, no matter what anyone says you are or aren't take. Keep walking those dogs, and keep exploring your art.

Thanks Oak for your sweet and helpful reply. However, I just don't have the ability to think fast on my feet when confronting someone. I get terribly confused very quickly and end up sounding like quite the lunatic. That's why I avoid people whenever I can. It's part of my illness that even the meds can't conquer much of the time. That's why I can only stick to animals, art and writing. Thank you again though for your thoughtfulness.
LostAlice