Long story short, I'm "doing my best."

[MORITVRVS]

Hey all,

My name is David. The title was a half-hearted attempt to give myself a positive affirmation and not obsess over having a "perfect title." I am a perfectionist; I get it from my mom, who, like me, is also a bit batshit.

Diagnoses I've been formally diagnoses with, heard thrown around quite a bit, or have deduced:

• Severe major depressive episode with psychotic features
• Major depressive episode - chronic (treatment resistant?)
• Dysthymia
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Social Anxiety Disorder
• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - Combined (i.e. both hyperactive and inattentive)
• Personality Disorder not otherwise specified with Borderline and Obsessive-Compulsive traits

That last one is the kicker for me. My new psychiatrist laid it out for me last week, having notes from my current psychologist and previous psychologist (I moved). At first I found it amusing in a sick, "Wow, I'm more fucked than I thought I was," sort of way. As the day progressed, I sunk into a touch of despondency, eventually clawing my way back out, "because I choose to." Hot damn, I think I just found my signature! Anyway, I decided that I have fruitlessly struggled for far too long; pushed Sisyphus' rock up the mountain for him one too many times. I am trying my damnedest to be committed to sanity.

I have a long, twisted story that bores me to type out, probably because of my perfectionism and my inability to type. Suffice it to say that it was a rough and subtly abusive childhood, a neglected adolescence, and an oppressive religion. My feelings have been invalidated my entire life, causing me to struggle with seemingly banal concepts like love, acceptance, friendship, nurturing, etc.

This is getting dark again. I would just end here, but my anhedonia will make me just stare at the wall. I could always pull a George Costanza and do the exact opposite of whatever my cranial custard thinks is best.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello MORITVRVS, welcome to our little forum! I see you are already contributing to different threads. Hope to read for from you - we are all looking forward to your participation. All the best, cheer!

[oak]

Oh dude, I so I identify with the quotes in "doing my best". Some days, well most days, that is the best I can muster myself. You are not alone.

I really like your descriptive analogy of pushing the rock up the hill. Some thoughts, which you are welcome to take or leave:

* Maybe the rock just needs to roll back down and be left at the bottom of the hill.

or

* Maybe there is some sort of weird, subtle, profound dignity in the continual effort in trying to push the rock up the hill

or

* Maybe some days we are meant to push the rock up the hill fruitlessly, and maybe the other days we are just supposed to stare at the rock and say "Fuck that rock."

I am not sure.

Personally I like the analogy of hitting my head against a brick wall (which, in all seriousness, may be related to my tension headaches).

"I know it has never worked before, but maybe if today I find extra faith and bang my head even harder against the brick wall, maybe today the wall will crumble! "

It doesn't.

Unless once in a great while it does, just to keep me on my toes.

I am sorry that jerks did not validate your feelings. I am glad to validate what you have to say, even if it is the modest effort of reading your post.

Lastly, I think George Costanza offers some beautiful and profound insights into life. One which I complete identified with:

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

[MORITVRVS]

George: God would never let me be successful; he'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Therapist: I thought you didn't believe in God?
George: I do for the bad things.

Oh god, that was a good laugh. I forgot about that, and it's so freaking true. My reference to Sisyphus' punishment was the though that I have been toiling fruitlessly my whole life; not only that, I allow the braggart a respite (through enabling behavior in toxic relationships). Sisyphus was an ass pellet trying to play the long con and pull the wool over the eyes of the Gods. He got that unending torment for his hubris, I am just supremely unlucky, not guilty.

I could go for the Absurdism of Albert Camus, but... that's just absurd. Haha.

[weary]

Serenity Now!