Hello!
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 1:21 am
I'm sort of inappropriately happy that I got to have this username... 
I'm 22 and was diagnosed as bipolar/schizophrenic when I got put in the mental hospital about 2 years ago... currently I'm just in a depressed state and don't really know what to make of my diagnosis, because it was a quick surface level assessment (I guess to get me into the mental ward in the first place) and I was completely disconnected from reality when I was diagnosed. I tend to identify as bipolar and think that when I'm manic, I go straight into delusional thinking, but I don't really know if that means I'm also schizophrenic... I realize I eventually will need to see someone to get a proper diagnosis. I just don't know if I'm schizo-like if I'm not manic. I'm not even entirely sure if I can get manic without the delusions because I don't know if I ever experienced mania before the episode I had. Very confusing and almost makes me distrustful of happiness... whether or not my bouts of happiness I can remember before were just states of hypomania or not, if I ever even knew what happiness was, etc. It makes me more depressed, as one can imagine.
I'm VERY much affected by that experience two years ago, both from being in the hospital (which was a largely negative experience, unfortunately, and involuntary) and being completely manic afterwards. I had delusions for about six months afterwards and haven't really sought consistent treatment until now. It's all a little complicated with how I went about it before, but now I'm seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. He's been great to talk to and I look forward to our sessions almost every week just because he's easy-going, seems to really empathize with what I go through and boosts me in a positive way--sometimes I worry, maybe a little unnecessarily, that he doesn't assess me enough on a clinical level... but I'll probably end up seeing someone in addition to him, in order to get on some kind of medication. Very afraid of medication making me manic again or even more depressed, and also anxious that physical side-effects will worry my mom--personally I know I can switch meds whenever there's a bad side-effect but I just have a feeling it would worry her if I couldn't find the right fit for meds. She had to go through the whole thing of not finding good meds (and doesn't take meds now when I seriously wish she would but that's another issue all together that I can't help) and stayed at the hospital before for it when I was a kid, so I just have a lot of bad feelings and nervousness with it. Hoping that my therapist will help me through all that and it won't be more drama and craziness trying to find the right fit.
Wish I was in school or had a job but I had to drop out of school due to strange bout of anxiety and depression that hit me really hard about two months back, which was when I knew I needed to see a consistent therapist or I was probably going to get closer and closer to possibly killing or hurting myself. Did not act on anything but I had such anxiety and pressing feelings like I really just should--"passive suicidal thoughts" my therapist called it. Still really have those thoughts but they aren't giving me as much "walls-pressing-in" type feelings, just kind of like this nagging repetitive inner-monologue that won't go away. Right now I'm very afraid to have anxiety while trying to have a job, since I apparently couldn't handle school, so I'm just sort of existing right now, which is definitely a big reason why I started listening to the podcast. I've been experiencing a lot of adhedonia and just surfing the internet for anything numbing and found the podcast better for reflection and comfort than simply numbing. I only found it less than a week ago but I binge-listened and realized it's so comforting just to listen to at least once a day.
Uhhh sorry this is so long, I should mention that I really like to write. Also I like to draw. And as you can probably guess, I rather like Sherlock Holmes. I have very ambivalent feelings for the character but get a very anchoring comfort from him at the same time. It's an identifying feeling while being frequently pissed off when I get the impression that I'm supposed to believe he's super-human. I love his human vulnerabilities when they reveal themselves, contrasting with his passion and genius, and constantly think his faults are not adequately explored enough, basically. I could say a lot more but I've just spent too long erasing and rewriting different ways to sum up my feelings on Holmes but I'm just... gonna leave it at that and have another cigarette.
Much apologies for the slight non-sequitur.
Feeling more awkward now so I guess I'll just shut up here. Feel like I've already shared too much... Better post before I reread the whole thing a zillionth time through. Keep wanting to take some things back so I come off as less overwhelming and weird compared to everyone else here but this is just what happens when you put me in front of a keyboard... having this strange fear I'll come off as annoying/petty/narcissistic and it's keeping me from hitting submit so I'll just take the dive I guess.
I'm 22 and was diagnosed as bipolar/schizophrenic when I got put in the mental hospital about 2 years ago... currently I'm just in a depressed state and don't really know what to make of my diagnosis, because it was a quick surface level assessment (I guess to get me into the mental ward in the first place) and I was completely disconnected from reality when I was diagnosed. I tend to identify as bipolar and think that when I'm manic, I go straight into delusional thinking, but I don't really know if that means I'm also schizophrenic... I realize I eventually will need to see someone to get a proper diagnosis. I just don't know if I'm schizo-like if I'm not manic. I'm not even entirely sure if I can get manic without the delusions because I don't know if I ever experienced mania before the episode I had. Very confusing and almost makes me distrustful of happiness... whether or not my bouts of happiness I can remember before were just states of hypomania or not, if I ever even knew what happiness was, etc. It makes me more depressed, as one can imagine.
I'm VERY much affected by that experience two years ago, both from being in the hospital (which was a largely negative experience, unfortunately, and involuntary) and being completely manic afterwards. I had delusions for about six months afterwards and haven't really sought consistent treatment until now. It's all a little complicated with how I went about it before, but now I'm seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. He's been great to talk to and I look forward to our sessions almost every week just because he's easy-going, seems to really empathize with what I go through and boosts me in a positive way--sometimes I worry, maybe a little unnecessarily, that he doesn't assess me enough on a clinical level... but I'll probably end up seeing someone in addition to him, in order to get on some kind of medication. Very afraid of medication making me manic again or even more depressed, and also anxious that physical side-effects will worry my mom--personally I know I can switch meds whenever there's a bad side-effect but I just have a feeling it would worry her if I couldn't find the right fit for meds. She had to go through the whole thing of not finding good meds (and doesn't take meds now when I seriously wish she would but that's another issue all together that I can't help) and stayed at the hospital before for it when I was a kid, so I just have a lot of bad feelings and nervousness with it. Hoping that my therapist will help me through all that and it won't be more drama and craziness trying to find the right fit.
Wish I was in school or had a job but I had to drop out of school due to strange bout of anxiety and depression that hit me really hard about two months back, which was when I knew I needed to see a consistent therapist or I was probably going to get closer and closer to possibly killing or hurting myself. Did not act on anything but I had such anxiety and pressing feelings like I really just should--"passive suicidal thoughts" my therapist called it. Still really have those thoughts but they aren't giving me as much "walls-pressing-in" type feelings, just kind of like this nagging repetitive inner-monologue that won't go away. Right now I'm very afraid to have anxiety while trying to have a job, since I apparently couldn't handle school, so I'm just sort of existing right now, which is definitely a big reason why I started listening to the podcast. I've been experiencing a lot of adhedonia and just surfing the internet for anything numbing and found the podcast better for reflection and comfort than simply numbing. I only found it less than a week ago but I binge-listened and realized it's so comforting just to listen to at least once a day.
Uhhh sorry this is so long, I should mention that I really like to write. Also I like to draw. And as you can probably guess, I rather like Sherlock Holmes. I have very ambivalent feelings for the character but get a very anchoring comfort from him at the same time. It's an identifying feeling while being frequently pissed off when I get the impression that I'm supposed to believe he's super-human. I love his human vulnerabilities when they reveal themselves, contrasting with his passion and genius, and constantly think his faults are not adequately explored enough, basically. I could say a lot more but I've just spent too long erasing and rewriting different ways to sum up my feelings on Holmes but I'm just... gonna leave it at that and have another cigarette.
Much apologies for the slight non-sequitur.Feeling more awkward now so I guess I'll just shut up here. Feel like I've already shared too much... Better post before I reread the whole thing a zillionth time through. Keep wanting to take some things back so I come off as less overwhelming and weird compared to everyone else here but this is just what happens when you put me in front of a keyboard... having this strange fear I'll come off as annoying/petty/narcissistic and it's keeping me from hitting submit so I'll just take the dive I guess.
