Hello

[Herenorthere]

It's Thanksgiving weekend and I am thankful to have found the podcast. I've never been comfortable joining groups, I'm really a loner, but it seemed like this would be a safe and welcoming place to give it a try. I'm 55, 5'4" female and weigh about 190. I live in the northeast. I've been diagnosed as bipolar, have social anxiety (hmm...no wonder I don't join groups!) and PTSD. I'm self-employed and work with animals who are so much easier to be with than humans. They are a wonderful source of unconditional love. One of my favorite things is going to the park with a puppy and seeing the world through new eyes. The joy they have in even such little things like chasing a leaf blowing across the grass can bring me out of my inner darkness and makes me smile. I'm so glad to have found the podcast and be able to hear other people who have the same thoughts and feelings that I do and to know I'm not as awful as I often think I am. I listen and long to be able to tell everyone, "Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm so much worse than that, if you only knew." I had two great parents, but my mother did suffer from untreated depression and who knows what else. She would always say that she just wanted me to be happy, it didn't matter what I chose to do in life for a profession. When I finished high school and didn't want to go to college I came home to find her locked in the garage in the car with the engine running. She was going to kill herself because I didn't want to go to college. Just an example of my childhood. My father was the kindest, most generous person, but when I asked him to get help for my mother he shut me down. They were depression-era kids and he never did understand the medical community, was always pretty healthy, never really needed care. He did witness some of her behavior, she would slam our plates down in front of us in anger, one time she threw the vacuum down the stairs. He just made a wooden wheel for the broken one and we called it the Trojan Horse. He just didn't recognize any of it as a situation needing help. It wasn't until after I was fully grown and out of the house that I was able to finally get her to try anti-depressants. There are so many stories I could tell, but they both loved me dearly and I was very lucky to have them as parents. I guess that's it for now, so hello all and I hope you all made it through Thanksgiving without too much family turmoil.

[bigeekgirl]

Nice to meet you.

I can really relate to how you say your parents loved you and you were luck to have them, yet... things were not all that happy or stable in your home. While I feel like my parents did the best they could, but growing up with parents with untreated mental illness is difficult and traumatic, so their good intentions didn't give me a happy childhood.

[Herenorthere]

At least we know they meant well. I know they loved me deeply and I don't think she ever meant any harm. Also I have to say I put them through hell when I became a teenager. I'm glad to meet you and that we can talk truthfully here. I guess plenty of us have mental illness that has run through our families for generations.

[bigeekgirl]

It is wonderful to get to talk to people who understand. I feel like I just came into understanding how much childhood was and it's next to impossible to explain the relationship I have with my family.

The best of me - the most generous, loving parts - knows Mom never healed from her traumatic childhood and I have so much compassion for the little girl who grew up to me the woman who raised me. On the bad days, I'm so angry for the little girl I was who was told all the time about the traumas her mother suffered and invalidated everything I felt because my life couldn't be bad since she loved me. It frustrates me because almost all parents love their children. Even really horrible parents, you know, who get drunk and put out cigarettes on their kids' arm love their kids. Love by itself doesn't mean much to me.

I need so much more therapy before I can come to middle ground of acceptance. Lots and lots more therapy.

[Herenorthere]

You have a point there. I've just found the podcast and been listening to old shows. I heard one where the person described their mother hiding and jumping out to scare them. My mother did that when I was very little and I always thought I was being ridiculous for letting it bother me. It amazes me to hear someone take that seriously. It's really true that it is all about what things do to you. There were so many crazy things and I guess there were for you too. It does make a difference too when you realize that it is all about them, their illness and keeping things manageable. You're just supposed to go along and not rock the boat.

[bigeekgirl]

*great big hug*

If it made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it was not okay.

As you are going through old episodes, I cannot recommend enough the one with Susan Hagen:

http://mentalpod.com/Therapist-Susan-Hagen

With what you've said on this thread so far, she's going to speak right to your inner child just like she did to mine. I've listened to it a half dozen times. I'm starting to remember things I didn't think much about even if not actually forgotten with new emotional intensity. Accepting that I was a helpless child who needed something I wasn't given is hard, but I feel a lot less crazy knowing my reaction to what I faced is normal.

I would also suggest Paul on Alison Rosen's podcast:

http://alisonrosen.com/index.php?s=paul+gilmartin

[Herenorthere]

Thanks, I will go and listen. It's so true that we dismiss those things that have happened to us because we think they are nothing compared to what has happened to others, or we feel that we are whining, but if things hurt us we should feel allowed to acknowledge that. It can be hard because I don't want to place blame on people who meant no harm. You're right in that knowing they meant no harm still doesn't mean that no harm was done. You've made me feel that maybe my feelings are allowed and don't convict others of wrongful intentions. We need to feel that we can explore them and their causes to begin to heal. Thank you for helping me to feel a little better about this and maybe find a way to start to work on it. I am not in therapy right now and have a hard time looking for a new therapist. I had a great one years and years ago who is now retired. I saw my first therapist at age 14 and he molested me. I never told my parents. To this day I dread looking for a new one even though I did find someone wonderful after that experience (I never told him either). I'm working up to it now because my depression is engulfing me again. My current meds just aren't cutting it anymore.

[bigeekgirl]

I dismiss my feelings because the adults intrusted with our emotional development taught me my emotions didn't count. I didn't even know people who love me were supposed to show me genuine empathy and take my feelings into account until I met my husband. Your feelings are important. They exist to tell us important things about our environment. If we don't trust our emotions, it's crippling.

I recently read "Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five" by John Medina and it really helped me understand how my mother created my brain to be the way it is. It's not all bad. I think differently than a lot of people and when I look at people who grew up in "normal" families, I can't help but think they have it easier but they aren't very interesting. Like Paul says about his struggles, it's "a forced gym membership for the soul" and I hold onto the fact I can become healthy and fit on the inside.

I'm so sorry about what your first therapist did. Praying on a vulnerable child placed in his care is a particular kind of evil. He must have known you wouldn't tell, too. I want to tell that little kid she didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't be ashamed. I can't imagine living with that knowledge every time you reach out for help from a professional. I have huge amounts of anxiety before the first visit with a new medical professional even without such a trauma. Remember, you are the grown up now. You can walk away if the person is not a good fit in any way. You could walk out of the appointment right in the middle without a word of explanation.

[Herenorthere]

Thanks again for more sage advice. I've been seeing some suggested reading material that sounds really helpful and I really love to read so that is a good start for me. On the lighter side, the therapist I had that I said was so good? On my first visit to him I got angry and went to storm out and he got up and took my arm to get me to stay. I was so impressed because to me it said that he actually really cared. I just thought that was funny after you were saying I could walk out! It is good to know I can though and he would have let me if I didn't react to his gesture in a positive way.

[bigeekgirl]

How amazing that moment must have been. It sounds like your therapist reacted perfectly.

If only I'd take my own advice. lol. Of course, it is so much easier for me to have compassion for others. I always think I need to suck it up.