Greetings
Posted: November 30th, 2013, 9:09 am
Honestly, I don't know where to start....I am an unmarried, 43 yo woman who is child-free and in a relationship. Almost 6 years ago I moved back to SoCal from the Pacific NW after 14 years of living there. Trying to adjust to being around my family again, starting over with no friends, no job, missing my old social circle, etc...threw me into a depressive episode like no other I'd experienced. I'd get dressed to go out and do errands, then end up sitting on the couch staring at the wall, silently weeping. I sought therapy and after going for nearly 2 years without significant, lasting changes, I sought medications. My diagnosis was Bipolar 2, although I was expecting something more along the lines of Dysthymia. I just don't know what I think any more about the labels... but I began taking Lamictal and experienced great results. I had no side effects, and felt no different other than not experiencing the severe negative mood swings. I still had highs and lows, but not debilitating ones.
I have always considered myself an "armchair psychologist" --an intuitive, compassionate person with a high interest in analyzing the psychological traits of my family and friends as well as myself. For my entire life I've been a person who others talk to easily, as I can be very non-judgmental when it comes to the problems people face with their own behaviors, their family issues and their mental health--this is probably due to the fact that I judge myself horribly and view myself as being more fucked up than most other people are anyway...I am self educated on the subject of mental health/ illness and if I weren't (for whatever reason/ excuse) incapable of completing my education I'd probably work in the field in some capacity.
In my family, my mom most likely had Borderline Personality Disorder when we were growing up. I'm 5.5 years older than my younger brother and was babysitting him for short periods when I was 6 years old. My mom screamed and yelled a lot, had disproportionate reactions to small perceived "infractions" and was critical, judgmental, a perfectionist/ neat freak and pretty strict. When I was 7 she found a pair of underwear I'd hidden because I'd left a stain in them. She made me scrub them out with my toothbrush. I had a friend over to play at the time who was there to witness me being disciplined. I didn't cry, I just tried to act like it wasn't a big deal to save face. That was a memory that I had lost until several years ago, but I guess it says a lot. I still harbor a lot of shame about my life and I still try to mask that shame to the best of my ability.
Part of what has been exceedingly difficult to cope with the past 3 years has been witnessing the horrific events of my brother's ex-wife's Borderline Personality Disorder...I don't want to just blame BPD for her behaviors, because I honestly believe that she has a lot more going on than that (overall, she puts my mom's BPD behaviors to shame), but it's been a long slow torment watching her destroy his life (and some of our shared business interests) and severely fuck with the heads of their very young kids (3.5 and 5.5). I made a choice not to have children, but I adore my nephews and feel like I have to be there for them no matter what as they go through the experience of having a mother who is invested in destroying their relationship with their father.
My brother's familial issues became a central driving force in my life, sucking up time, emotional energy and money. We've been all but destroyed by his ex. Why "we" when it's his family and his ex and his kids? Because there is almost no one else left to support and go through this with him, because our shared business has suffered immensely and because I feel obligated to my nephews to remain in their lives as much as possible. I also love them and WANT to be there for them.
Our lives are just in constant, ongoing crisis and the financial ruin has been and continues to be relentless.
I stopped seeing my therapist because I could not afford even the co-pays on our insurance plan any more. I stopped taking my meds for the same reason. I don't have the money to get my med consults any more, although the prescription isn't that much.
I'm dating a much younger man who has Aspergers (but doesn't want to "own" that diagnosis)-- my buttons are pushed constantly in our relationship, which is a complicated mess. I don't know why I chose him when I feel a desperate need for love and support in my life right now as I face new family and monetary crises everyday and he might be the least capable person imaginable to provide those things as he really doesn't demonstrate a whole lot of compassion or understanding. He does love me and he wants to be supportive, but there is a disconnect that I can't overcome. Intellectually I know why he is how he is, but sometimes I think I chose someone who can't love me the way I want to be loved because I must not love myself enough to choose a different person who is capable-does that even make sense? Other times I know he loves me and I just wish I could experience his love differently.
This is so rambley and long.....sorry! I guess that I'm just experiencing emotional chaos and instability right now on a whole different level and wondering if I'm more than Bipolar 2, if I'll ever be in control of my emotions, if I'm extra crazy because my life is driving me crazy or my life is this fucking crazy because I'm crazy to begin with and the mess I'm in is the direct result of that.
I try to meditate, exercise, etc...but there's no consistency to my attempts these days. I've had friends offer to help me pay to see a Doc so I can get on my meds again, but the shame of accepting that help has prevented me from taking them up on it as of yet, although I know how stupid that is.
That's the abbreviated situation. I have good days and bad; days I feel grounded and sane and hopeful and days I want to die (although I am not suicidal).
I do know there is hope because I have felt better and experienced life differently in the past. I always hope that I am, at least, taking two steps forward before I take a step back, but it doesn't always feel that way.
Thanks for reading! I'm looking forward to exploring the forums here and sharing more.
I have always considered myself an "armchair psychologist" --an intuitive, compassionate person with a high interest in analyzing the psychological traits of my family and friends as well as myself. For my entire life I've been a person who others talk to easily, as I can be very non-judgmental when it comes to the problems people face with their own behaviors, their family issues and their mental health--this is probably due to the fact that I judge myself horribly and view myself as being more fucked up than most other people are anyway...I am self educated on the subject of mental health/ illness and if I weren't (for whatever reason/ excuse) incapable of completing my education I'd probably work in the field in some capacity.
In my family, my mom most likely had Borderline Personality Disorder when we were growing up. I'm 5.5 years older than my younger brother and was babysitting him for short periods when I was 6 years old. My mom screamed and yelled a lot, had disproportionate reactions to small perceived "infractions" and was critical, judgmental, a perfectionist/ neat freak and pretty strict. When I was 7 she found a pair of underwear I'd hidden because I'd left a stain in them. She made me scrub them out with my toothbrush. I had a friend over to play at the time who was there to witness me being disciplined. I didn't cry, I just tried to act like it wasn't a big deal to save face. That was a memory that I had lost until several years ago, but I guess it says a lot. I still harbor a lot of shame about my life and I still try to mask that shame to the best of my ability.
Part of what has been exceedingly difficult to cope with the past 3 years has been witnessing the horrific events of my brother's ex-wife's Borderline Personality Disorder...I don't want to just blame BPD for her behaviors, because I honestly believe that she has a lot more going on than that (overall, she puts my mom's BPD behaviors to shame), but it's been a long slow torment watching her destroy his life (and some of our shared business interests) and severely fuck with the heads of their very young kids (3.5 and 5.5). I made a choice not to have children, but I adore my nephews and feel like I have to be there for them no matter what as they go through the experience of having a mother who is invested in destroying their relationship with their father.
My brother's familial issues became a central driving force in my life, sucking up time, emotional energy and money. We've been all but destroyed by his ex. Why "we" when it's his family and his ex and his kids? Because there is almost no one else left to support and go through this with him, because our shared business has suffered immensely and because I feel obligated to my nephews to remain in their lives as much as possible. I also love them and WANT to be there for them.
Our lives are just in constant, ongoing crisis and the financial ruin has been and continues to be relentless.
I stopped seeing my therapist because I could not afford even the co-pays on our insurance plan any more. I stopped taking my meds for the same reason. I don't have the money to get my med consults any more, although the prescription isn't that much.
I'm dating a much younger man who has Aspergers (but doesn't want to "own" that diagnosis)-- my buttons are pushed constantly in our relationship, which is a complicated mess. I don't know why I chose him when I feel a desperate need for love and support in my life right now as I face new family and monetary crises everyday and he might be the least capable person imaginable to provide those things as he really doesn't demonstrate a whole lot of compassion or understanding. He does love me and he wants to be supportive, but there is a disconnect that I can't overcome. Intellectually I know why he is how he is, but sometimes I think I chose someone who can't love me the way I want to be loved because I must not love myself enough to choose a different person who is capable-does that even make sense? Other times I know he loves me and I just wish I could experience his love differently.
This is so rambley and long.....sorry! I guess that I'm just experiencing emotional chaos and instability right now on a whole different level and wondering if I'm more than Bipolar 2, if I'll ever be in control of my emotions, if I'm extra crazy because my life is driving me crazy or my life is this fucking crazy because I'm crazy to begin with and the mess I'm in is the direct result of that.
I try to meditate, exercise, etc...but there's no consistency to my attempts these days. I've had friends offer to help me pay to see a Doc so I can get on my meds again, but the shame of accepting that help has prevented me from taking them up on it as of yet, although I know how stupid that is.
That's the abbreviated situation. I have good days and bad; days I feel grounded and sane and hopeful and days I want to die (although I am not suicidal).
I do know there is hope because I have felt better and experienced life differently in the past. I always hope that I am, at least, taking two steps forward before I take a step back, but it doesn't always feel that way.
Thanks for reading! I'm looking forward to exploring the forums here and sharing more.