Strange memories, thoughts, family issues.
Posted: December 4th, 2013, 1:28 pm
Hello my name is Wesley, just started listening to the podcast, burning through the back archives as I type this. There have been some memories and thoughts that I've remembered from my childhood, after listening to the podcast and some of the things people have experienced. I guess I should set up the background info first.
My family has been slightly dysfunctional for a long time. My father is a psychologist, addicted to pornography and becomes distant and withdrawn when my mother confronts him about it. He has supposedly been talking to a prostitute on Facebook, but when asked about it he responded that he didn’t know she was a prostitute. His father was in the marines and often absent, basically grew up with a single mother. His parents got divorced, and due to the military life moved around very often. When they lived in California there was a family friend, former marine that took my dad and my uncle camping and fishing. My dad revealed to me that this man sexually molested him. He masturbated in front of them and taught them how to do it, made them do it in front of him. He hasn't given many details, just vague suggestions. He was introduced to both porn and masturbation by this older man around the age of 8-10. This addiction was set up then, and has continued till today. My family is all very religious, and this has fueled the issues.
My mother is passive aggressive and nagging, smothering and manipulatively controlling. She feels that my father’s addiction is a form of adultery, and has used biblical principles to justify her superiority and lack of fault. She has overshared many details to me about the whole relationship. My father cheating on her when she was pregnant with my older brother, their lack of sex life, etc. She has been overweight for many years, and felt that her weight was the reason he seemed uninterested. A few years ago she had the lap band surgery done and has lost lots of weight, but she has said that nothing changed. She constantly tears him down around me and her side of the family, and builds me up. When I open up the car door or the door to a restaurant she says thank you and comments on how good a boyfriend and young man I am. My grandmother once said "Sidney opens the door too doesn’t he?" She responded that I was more consistent and that my father rarely does it anymore, with a long sigh. My father on the other hand does not tear her down; he retreats and becomes distant, stops talking. She always says that I’m handsome and comments on my hair when I get a haircut, "His hair is so beautiful". She often refers to me as "Mr. Wesley", my middle name, and uses very kiddie words like "potty" and other stuff. It's all kind of strange to me and makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me feel like she treats me as a child. Maybe I’m just reading into it though.
So with all of that dysfunction in the background, here are the things I've remembered or thought about again. I personally do not remember ever being molested or messed with, but there are very strange ideas and memories that I recall having as a young kid, things that no kid should think about.
The first one is from kindergarten. I had a very good friend that I would always talk with about building a tree fort. We would talk endlessly about the fort and how it would be built etc. There's a strange idea I had though, nothing I ever shared with my friend. I imagined a table that a person could lay down on and stick their penis through to urinate. I imagine we would trade places back and forth, lying on the table and lying under it, watching each other urinate. I also remember thinking there could be a toilet, and we could take turns defecating and putting our faces into the bowl, smelling the feces. I have no fucking idea where the hell these weird thoughts came from as a child. The idea of waterworks or fecal play disgusts me now, and it’s certainly not something I should've been thinking about. It's just so fucking weird. I never told anyone about this of course.
The second memory is a more humorous one, but still raises some questions. I was at a pre-kindergarten thing and one of the things we often did was artwork and drawing. One day I drew a crucifix with Jesus hanging off of it. The sign that hangs at the top that normally says "King of the Jews", I wrote in "Son of a Bitch". My mother freaked out, asking where I had learned that. I had no idea. I don’t know if these are related or not. There's just a lot that I don’t remember from childhood.
The last memory is of me as a child, probably around 4-6, standing on my bed and turning my backside towards the mirror hanging on the wall across the room. I turned around and spread my buttocks. I remember thinking I needed to get ready, that my whole family would get up on the bed and do the same, because that’s what families do. I again have no idea what caused this.
For many years past normal age I wet the bed, with great shame. I probably continued until I was 5 or so. I remember my parents making me wear specialized underwear that would buzz and give a shock whenever there was liquid. It didn’t work. I remember once I slept on the couch in our living room, not sure why. When I woke up in the morning I had wet the couch, my dad was very angry at me and made me feel shameful. I remember with burrowed eyebrows he said “You’ll never sleep on the couch again.”
One time when I was younger I went over to a church friend’s house for his birthday. We stayed over the weekend and watched movies, played games etc. I recall taking a bath with the other boys there. We all got in the tub together, naked and sat in the water. I remember they pointed at me specifically because I am uncircumcised, uncommon in America. His father was there in the bathroom. I don’t remember how old we were. After that I never really hung out with him or went over to their house.
I don’t know if any of these things are connected or just disparate random events. I don’t remember any kind of link between all of them, and I am cautious about convincing myself of a false memory. I do not want to “remember” that I was molested, accuse an innocent person and fuck anything up. I don’t really know why I posted all this here, just hoping for help. I am in college now, and I’m planning on going to the mental health services counseling center that the university offers. I have never spoken to anyone about any of this, and I feel like I need to. If there’s anyone that has had similar events occur to them or strange memories or thoughts as a child, or anyone with any personal advice, let me know. I love the podcast, and I am looking forward to getting plugged into the community and working through some of my shit.
Sorry for the wall of text, this is my first time telling any of this stuff!
My family has been slightly dysfunctional for a long time. My father is a psychologist, addicted to pornography and becomes distant and withdrawn when my mother confronts him about it. He has supposedly been talking to a prostitute on Facebook, but when asked about it he responded that he didn’t know she was a prostitute. His father was in the marines and often absent, basically grew up with a single mother. His parents got divorced, and due to the military life moved around very often. When they lived in California there was a family friend, former marine that took my dad and my uncle camping and fishing. My dad revealed to me that this man sexually molested him. He masturbated in front of them and taught them how to do it, made them do it in front of him. He hasn't given many details, just vague suggestions. He was introduced to both porn and masturbation by this older man around the age of 8-10. This addiction was set up then, and has continued till today. My family is all very religious, and this has fueled the issues.
My mother is passive aggressive and nagging, smothering and manipulatively controlling. She feels that my father’s addiction is a form of adultery, and has used biblical principles to justify her superiority and lack of fault. She has overshared many details to me about the whole relationship. My father cheating on her when she was pregnant with my older brother, their lack of sex life, etc. She has been overweight for many years, and felt that her weight was the reason he seemed uninterested. A few years ago she had the lap band surgery done and has lost lots of weight, but she has said that nothing changed. She constantly tears him down around me and her side of the family, and builds me up. When I open up the car door or the door to a restaurant she says thank you and comments on how good a boyfriend and young man I am. My grandmother once said "Sidney opens the door too doesn’t he?" She responded that I was more consistent and that my father rarely does it anymore, with a long sigh. My father on the other hand does not tear her down; he retreats and becomes distant, stops talking. She always says that I’m handsome and comments on my hair when I get a haircut, "His hair is so beautiful". She often refers to me as "Mr. Wesley", my middle name, and uses very kiddie words like "potty" and other stuff. It's all kind of strange to me and makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me feel like she treats me as a child. Maybe I’m just reading into it though.
So with all of that dysfunction in the background, here are the things I've remembered or thought about again. I personally do not remember ever being molested or messed with, but there are very strange ideas and memories that I recall having as a young kid, things that no kid should think about.
The first one is from kindergarten. I had a very good friend that I would always talk with about building a tree fort. We would talk endlessly about the fort and how it would be built etc. There's a strange idea I had though, nothing I ever shared with my friend. I imagined a table that a person could lay down on and stick their penis through to urinate. I imagine we would trade places back and forth, lying on the table and lying under it, watching each other urinate. I also remember thinking there could be a toilet, and we could take turns defecating and putting our faces into the bowl, smelling the feces. I have no fucking idea where the hell these weird thoughts came from as a child. The idea of waterworks or fecal play disgusts me now, and it’s certainly not something I should've been thinking about. It's just so fucking weird. I never told anyone about this of course.
The second memory is a more humorous one, but still raises some questions. I was at a pre-kindergarten thing and one of the things we often did was artwork and drawing. One day I drew a crucifix with Jesus hanging off of it. The sign that hangs at the top that normally says "King of the Jews", I wrote in "Son of a Bitch". My mother freaked out, asking where I had learned that. I had no idea. I don’t know if these are related or not. There's just a lot that I don’t remember from childhood.
The last memory is of me as a child, probably around 4-6, standing on my bed and turning my backside towards the mirror hanging on the wall across the room. I turned around and spread my buttocks. I remember thinking I needed to get ready, that my whole family would get up on the bed and do the same, because that’s what families do. I again have no idea what caused this.
For many years past normal age I wet the bed, with great shame. I probably continued until I was 5 or so. I remember my parents making me wear specialized underwear that would buzz and give a shock whenever there was liquid. It didn’t work. I remember once I slept on the couch in our living room, not sure why. When I woke up in the morning I had wet the couch, my dad was very angry at me and made me feel shameful. I remember with burrowed eyebrows he said “You’ll never sleep on the couch again.”
One time when I was younger I went over to a church friend’s house for his birthday. We stayed over the weekend and watched movies, played games etc. I recall taking a bath with the other boys there. We all got in the tub together, naked and sat in the water. I remember they pointed at me specifically because I am uncircumcised, uncommon in America. His father was there in the bathroom. I don’t remember how old we were. After that I never really hung out with him or went over to their house.
I don’t know if any of these things are connected or just disparate random events. I don’t remember any kind of link between all of them, and I am cautious about convincing myself of a false memory. I do not want to “remember” that I was molested, accuse an innocent person and fuck anything up. I don’t really know why I posted all this here, just hoping for help. I am in college now, and I’m planning on going to the mental health services counseling center that the university offers. I have never spoken to anyone about any of this, and I feel like I need to. If there’s anyone that has had similar events occur to them or strange memories or thoughts as a child, or anyone with any personal advice, let me know. I love the podcast, and I am looking forward to getting plugged into the community and working through some of my shit.
Sorry for the wall of text, this is my first time telling any of this stuff!