Namaste Fellow "Crazies"

[Amalthist]

Yup. "Crazy" That's what the ladies talk about behind (sometimes even in front) of my back. Which is really frustrating because the first month I was there they were all having breakdowns. Nothing like struggling with depression and anxiety surrounded by a lot of unhealthy passive aggressive women.
I had my first panic attack in fifth grade. Closed myself in the bathroom crying my heart out over "something bad" that felt like it was going to happen. My parents didn't know what to do with me other than let me carry on and stay home from school that day.
Depression has always been with me. Even when I felt relatively good, I spent time repairing the damage the depression wrecked on my life. But I didn't know it was depression or anxiety until about 5 years ago (I'll be 40 soon) when I went through a divorce. It was when I saw the expensive knives in our kitchen cutting into my arm (hallucination) that I had to call for help and spent a bit in the psych ward just breathing.
I've tried lexapro (terrible scary side effects), wellbutrin (hyped me up long enough to get through the divorce and then stopped working), Effexor (ok beginning, but led to a trip to the ER with a serotonin storm and subsequent major depressive episode from withdrawal), and thanks to persistent thoughts of being better off dead and wanting to cut myself I'm on Prozac now. Since the Prozac makes me even more anxious and trembly I'm on an antihistamine that helps me sleep and keeps me calm enough to get through my days. It's been less than a month since I started the Prozac but I am no longer having those little nasty thoughts of despair and self harm. Yay!
I have a couple of kids, a wonderful self aware depressed and anxious man that I'm engaged to, a few nice friends, and a nasty hateful bastard of an ex whose petty nasty new wife loves to stir up trouble. I'm trying to make it through school...though that has been postponed until fall, and I work full time. I love my doctor and my therapist. They've been with me for a few years now and are so supportive and understanding. My family is depressed/anxious and in denial so we don't get along really well since they seem attached to unhealthy ways of being in relationships (abuse).
So I'm here now on these forums looking for other people who are smart, kind, and struggling with some of the same issues I'm facing and will probably be dealing with for the rest of my life. A friend from work recommended this website (specifically a podcast) and I really like it.