YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

HELLO! My name's John. First off I want to thank Paul and the rest of you. I dont think I need to tell Paul and everone else here this, but it bears repeating as often as possible: You're all doing wonderful, essential work: Thank you! I can't tell you how much it's helped me... to have a vocabulary and understanding of what is going on with me. Wow. It's made a big difference.

Condensed story: I have a pretty fuzzy memory, in general, but childhood is almost a complete wash. However, the cast of characters are as follows, I have a narcissistic mother, a workaholic/distant father, a much younger adopted sister (by 20 years) who has minor developmental problems, and an older sister, by 3 years, that sexually abused me when I was around 9-10 years old.

whew... this would be impossible to write if I didnt know that I was not alone!

So, another big part of my childhood: I was messing around with a boy who was my childhood best friend, I would call it "exploring sexuality" but we were completely ignorant of what sex was, as we were around kindergarten-age. I don't know why, but we were doing said messing around in my parents bed. My mom walked in. I really don't remember much after that, shame-blocked most likely, I do know that my conservative Christian, pastor's kid, mother did not see it as playful exploration... I was sent to another school and I did not see my friend again until I was 11 when I transferred back to the school we met at. A shitty, blown out of proportion, response, but a common one among conservatives unfortunately...

This "incident" led to almost a lifetime of aftermath. I questioned my sexuallity, especially in highschool, when bullies found the chink in my armor: The word "faggot". Which, because of my childhood, and the shame instilled by my parents, I believed for way too long. However, because of this hateful interior mantra, the pain others caused me, and that I inflicted upon myself, I have a love for the LGBT community, and a perspective I would not have had with my conservative upbringing. Silver lining!

When I was 9-10 years old, my sister was 11-12. She had reached puberty earlier than her peers, and, again, conservative Christian parents aren't the best to sit down and shoot the shit about your changing sexuallity, so she took out her sexual frustrations on me, her younger brother. Now, I realize that I just excused my sister's abuse of myself. She bears some responsibility, in that, she was in a position of power, being older, but I don't think it was malicious in nature. Unfortunately you can't tell your psyche that, and aftermath occurs. The effects of that abuse I think I am still trying to suss out. Horrible self esteem? Check!

I don't think I have to explain a distant/workaholic father to anyone, most people either have one or know one... it sucks and it's still something I'm trying to understand, and deal with.

A narcissistic mom, a pastor's kid, a fake person. Oh man, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the damage my mother has... jesus... after everything I just wrote, this will be the hardest, for the simple reason that it's the newest epiphany/revelation/truth I have admitted to myself. My mom is a narcissistic person. A manipulative woman. Judgemental to everyone, just not to their face. A woman full of laughter, love, and life... while she is on the phone with other people. Stern to her family. Lifeless. Void of joy or laughter. Get her in a church? Showtime! All smiles and warmth. Get the picture?

That is what I need to try to understand more than anything, because I'm tired of hating my own mother.... it's exhausting. I have been hating her through her current bout with cancer, making me feel like an absolute monster, but it's just indescribable trying to take care of her through a terminal illness, all the while feeling manipulated, unappreciated, unloved, and emotionally dismantled. Love is more than a word and the same goes for appreciation...

Ok. So here's where I am currently. I was diagnosed as bi-polar a few years back, tried medications, common antidepressants, abilify, lamictal, depakote... nothing really fixed my swings from depression to mania. However, I had a manic episode that was a slow-burn, controllable, and was, for once, constructive. I used the appetite suppression mania gives me, juiced, cleansed, dieted, exercised and lost 60lbs over 4 months. I'll be in the 100's soon for the first time in a decade. I'm hoping that I can make the exercise an ingrained part of my routine so that, when the darkness descends, I have better tools to fight it, other than marijuana and alcohol which are fucking horrible tools to work with!

So currently, I'm 32, and living with my parents. I have a girlfriend who is morbidly obese with an eating disorder and plenty of other problems.. (I pick partners I think I can fix) I smoke pot and drink. But drinking can quickly escalate to an everyday thing for me. I've been in an AA clone, called Celebrate Recovery, got sober for 2 6-month periods. I quit sobriety after starting a business, which almost immediately failed, and since then have kept a watchful eye on "the lurker" with varying degrees of success. And I smoke pot almost every day. It might keep me sedentary, and complacent, but it's better than taking Xanax. For me, that shit is too awesome for words, completely synchs in with my addictive personality, and is a bad fucking idea through and through. It did stave off a few panic attacks, and I'm glad it helps people. It's just bad news for me.

I have helped my parents out with my younger sister as a surrogate father, I've taken care of my mom through 3 years of stage 4 breast cancer while my dad un-retired and worked in the midwest trying to pay for the escalating medical bills. He has recently re-retired again, and now my role is less necessary than before... I have to get out of this situation soon for my own well being. But, honestly, getting back to work after 6 years of basically being a stay at home dad terrifies me.

...and you know what? After all that I still haven't figured out how to *not* hate myself. Still have the horrible self esteem. No self-worth. Etcetera. BUT! First off, I'm here on this forum. After listening to Paul bring up the forum countless times, I'm here. I'm proud of that step. But secondly, I feel like my mind has made a big leap forward. I listen to a lot of podcasts to live vicariously through their cast of characters, and one of the things I've noticed is how almost *everyone* thinks they were idiots in their 20's... I feel like, at 32, I'm finally figuring out what an idiot I've been! YAY!!! Now to try to fix myself from another angle, another perspective, in my life. It's an opportunity that I'm excited about.

I don't know how the forum works, honestly, I just dove right in with this post, I hope it was ok for me to post all of this in the introduction section of the forum. Like I said, I need the most help with trying to understand my mom. Maybe in doing that, I can let go of some of the anger I have towards her, and in doing so, can stop beating myself up for hating my mom while she's going though cancer.

But if anyone feels like a part of my story rang true with theirs, please share! And if I'm missing something obvious to you, express that to me in the kindest way possible. Please. I've dealt with a lot of bullies, and I don't need internet trolls taking their place. I understand there are a lot of great people on here. I look forward to communicating with you all. Opening a dialog. All that good stuff.

Thanks again to everyone out there, especially Paul Gilmartin, because without him, and without The Mental Illness Happy Hour, I wouldnt know that these things are common, and that I AM NOT ALONE! Shit, now I'm crying. Thanks guys. Be kind, do good work, much love to all of you.

Oh! I was a bedwetter! How did I forget that shame to share with the world? Ok, I swear, I'm done!

~ John, (ferrous_hominid)

Couple things, I dont want to give the impression that people in their 20's are idiots. *I* was and idiot in my 20's... and early 30's...

Also, if anyone has some good advice for me, or a good book, about anger management. I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again,

~ John (ferrous_hominid)

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for your fine post. You seem very likeable, and are a fine writer. I very much enjoyed reading your post. You also have a fine sense of humor.

There are so many interesting topics in your post that I hardly know where to begin.

I was tickled to read that you are familiar with CR.

I have first hand experience with CR, and I'll spare you quite the long story, because isn't arriving at CR always a long story?

I will say this: I celebrate others finding healing through the disease model and religion. While neither are the structure I live by today, I remember very well that when The Wheels Fell Off the two places that loved me at my least-loveable were a 12 step fellowship and the church.

Which is a long, convoluted way of saying that you're not alone.

There is much, John, I'd be delighted to comment on in your very interesting post. I hope it will suffice to offer a few thoughts:

I am glad you know that you have bipolar. I hope your efforts to work with/through it continue to go well.

You know, I am a straightedge man myself, and I found that hiking was a good substitute for alcohol. Feel free to laugh: once I stopped drinking I'd stare at a leaf in the forest in wonder.

I encourage you to continue to consider the role alcohol and marijuana play in your life. You may decide that both are fine, neither is fine, or one but not the other is fine.

Congratulations on trying a business. I am sorry the business failed, but that doesn't mean that you are a failure. Success and "failure" are two sides of the same coin.

I and many of our friends found ourselves right around your age: for me it was 29, and many many of my friends at 32. So you may very well be right on track.

As far as work, I wholeheartedly endorse you pursuing it.

When I was sober for just over a year (I got sober 5.5 years ago), I got an hourly job in retail. Every trope about retail, about starting at the bottom? It happened. The bad of the workplace carries the seed of the good.

Working is an incredibly important and wonderful thing, at least for me. That is not to say that work is easy.

And the workplace has changed (if you are in America) since you left six years ago. It is a harder, colder place. But a person can still succeed there.

You're going to be okay, John.

If you will indulge me, I will offer a brief story to show that you are not alone, and to offer a perspective to consider regarding alcohol and marijuana.

Dude: you are not alone with the 6 months sober, then back, behavior. After getting drunk hundreds of times in my late teens and twenties, I remember watching coverage of that fucking storm Katrina, hung over, throwing up from food poisoning. "This [drinking] fucking sucks" I thought to myself.

I had three more years of "research", then got busy with work and inadvertently strung together six months sober. To celebrate (?????????), I got drunk. And oh boy did getting drunk in my 30s suck. "This fucking sucks." I reminded myself.

After six months of episodic "research", I was sitting with my friend, watching "Reservoir Dogs" on June 16, 2008. I vividly remember, like it was a moment ago, picking up that 20 oz of Budweiser, looking at it, and thinking to myself "This is the last drink I'll ever had". I set it down, told my friend, and that was that.

Which is a long way of saying that it is not uncommon to have months of sobriety followed by more "research". There is hope. Definitely.

Next, I offer a perspective which you and anyone else is willing to hate or ignore.

Regarding alcohol and pot, you are welcome to do whatever you like. Speaking strictly for myself, if your definition of "sober" includes legal medical marijuana, then I encourage you to weigh that.

I found that it took me a year to have the fog from alcohol leave me. Not the physical fog, but the emotional fog, the fog around my five senses. Ergo, I encourage you to take a hard look at alcohol. In many ways I see it as more destructive than pot.

Like I said: that is just my opinion, and you are welcome to take it or leave it. What "sober" means to you, and if it is the right choice for you is something you can work on.

Oak, thanks for the reply, I'll address it directly tomorrow.

I just wanted to let anyone know that has gotten this far, that stating in a public forum that I hate my mom, who is battling through cancer is not something I take lightly. Quite the opposite. I've beaten the shit out of myself and I really can't do it anymore.

Just in case I came off as glib about that, or anything else I mentioned, rest assured I take these issues seriously...

Oak, surprised you knew of CR. I liked the guys in the group, but faith in god is something I've never been able to do. I'm envious of those who get it, but I've been in churches my entire life, and it's all a skipping record to me. I've heard it all, and nothing really penetrates my cynical exterior. I keep trying for some reason though. No, I know the reason, it would be nice to believe in something bigger. That's all.

As for alcohol, I've learned a lot of lessons, never hit rock bottom, never had a major problem. I think I just allowed it to become part of my routine for a majority of my 20s. And yes, I don't have that shut-off switch that tells me when to stop drinking, and as far as I can tell that's the key sign of addiction. But, like I said, I've learned a lot of lessons. I make a plan if I'm going to go out. How much I'm going to drink, etc, and I dont drink more than 4 beers a day, no more than twice a week. Seems to work. I know the question would be, why not quit drinking? It's a good question. I dont have a sufficient answer.

For instance, I stopped drinking hard liquor when I was 23. Never touched it again. I'm such a repressed, angry person on the inside, that I just couldn't do it. It would bring all my anger out. I've never blacked out, except after drinking Absinthe, but a few times I have had a "red-out" where I get so fucking angry I can't remember anything. It's scary for others and for me and it's only happened once after drinking tons of beer. I've never hurt anyone. It's not in my nature.

So that (anger blackouts) probably means I have something called Explosive Anger Disorder, getting back to the question I had earlier, I need 2 good books. One on anger, and one on dealing with bi-polar.

One more thing: How do you know that the feelings, good and bad that you experience, are real while going through mania? Sometimes I feel like I've got everything figured out, looking at problems from a lofty view, but then I slide into depression and the impact of finding out that it was all "fake" just crushes me... because it sure feels real while going through it.