wow, this got long fast. just scratching the surface, too.
Posted: February 18th, 2014, 10:41 pm
Basics out of the way first: I'm a 27-year-old Asian-American (mostly) heterosexual virgin nervous obsessive introverted insecure cis female only-child nurse. Yeah, I think that covers it.
I've been a fan of the show ever since Paul guested on the Nerdist podcast. Mostly I just related far too much on so many guests on the show and the things they said. On a more clinical side, I've been treated for General Anxiety Disorder and have been told I have OCD-like repetitive thinking. (I did have a stair-counting thing as a kid but no real compulsions otherwise.) I'm pretty sure I've been dealing with untreated inattentive ADHD my whole life, but after the one time I tried to approach it with my doctor, I was very quickly and cleanly shut down in the nicest, most accusatory way possible. I haven't brought myself to bring it up with anyone else since, even though it's been an increasing obstacle since my teen years.
On the more personal end, I grew up in a quietly messed up situation. Both my parents tried to be good parents and to be supportive and loving in the best way they knew how. My mother desperately wanted to protect me from the world, and my father was actively appropriate and wanted me to succeed in school no matter the field so I could take care of myself. But my mother has never been able to get past her strained relationship with her very-late mother or the incest-rape she suffered as a young woman. My father is both a narcissist and so painfully insecure, every arrogant surgeon stereotype ever. I've lived my life living in the context of them and their lives and their needs. And wow, do they really hate each other and were not afraid to show it. Never physically that I witnessed, but wow, do I have no idea what love, romance or respect is supposed to look like. I don't have a lot of trust in them or in myself, let alone other people. I wish I knew how to talk to people for more than five minutes, about anything, about what's actually going on with me. I feel like I constant disappointment, mainly to myself. If I'm even a decent nurse, it's because of a lifetime of experience of taking care of and anticipating other people's needs. My anxiety attempts to balance out the attention problems but it often compounds the problem. My self-esteem and trust in my abilities is generally in the toilet—less than, somewhere in the septic tank. Using "I" so much in this post and the length of it makes me terribly uncomfortable. I've never had a relationship because I'm immediately wary of anyone who seems to like me or shows any interest in getting even a little close to me. My usual move is to just cut off communication before this guy can look closer and see all the boring, dull-witted, ugly, unspectacular, fat, unmotivated, crazy, un-funny, self-absorbed and selfish.
It's been a long time happening, but I'm slowly working towards the first steps of thinking about seeing someone. At the very least, I'm here, months after wanting to jump in and say hi and actually present myself, the spiritually gross side. And I'm hoping to be of some comfort to other people as well. (I can't help it! I'm a nurse! It's my thing!)
I've been a fan of the show ever since Paul guested on the Nerdist podcast. Mostly I just related far too much on so many guests on the show and the things they said. On a more clinical side, I've been treated for General Anxiety Disorder and have been told I have OCD-like repetitive thinking. (I did have a stair-counting thing as a kid but no real compulsions otherwise.) I'm pretty sure I've been dealing with untreated inattentive ADHD my whole life, but after the one time I tried to approach it with my doctor, I was very quickly and cleanly shut down in the nicest, most accusatory way possible. I haven't brought myself to bring it up with anyone else since, even though it's been an increasing obstacle since my teen years.
On the more personal end, I grew up in a quietly messed up situation. Both my parents tried to be good parents and to be supportive and loving in the best way they knew how. My mother desperately wanted to protect me from the world, and my father was actively appropriate and wanted me to succeed in school no matter the field so I could take care of myself. But my mother has never been able to get past her strained relationship with her very-late mother or the incest-rape she suffered as a young woman. My father is both a narcissist and so painfully insecure, every arrogant surgeon stereotype ever. I've lived my life living in the context of them and their lives and their needs. And wow, do they really hate each other and were not afraid to show it. Never physically that I witnessed, but wow, do I have no idea what love, romance or respect is supposed to look like. I don't have a lot of trust in them or in myself, let alone other people. I wish I knew how to talk to people for more than five minutes, about anything, about what's actually going on with me. I feel like I constant disappointment, mainly to myself. If I'm even a decent nurse, it's because of a lifetime of experience of taking care of and anticipating other people's needs. My anxiety attempts to balance out the attention problems but it often compounds the problem. My self-esteem and trust in my abilities is generally in the toilet—less than, somewhere in the septic tank. Using "I" so much in this post and the length of it makes me terribly uncomfortable. I've never had a relationship because I'm immediately wary of anyone who seems to like me or shows any interest in getting even a little close to me. My usual move is to just cut off communication before this guy can look closer and see all the boring, dull-witted, ugly, unspectacular, fat, unmotivated, crazy, un-funny, self-absorbed and selfish.
It's been a long time happening, but I'm slowly working towards the first steps of thinking about seeing someone. At the very least, I'm here, months after wanting to jump in and say hi and actually present myself, the spiritually gross side. And I'm hoping to be of some comfort to other people as well. (I can't help it! I'm a nurse! It's my thing!)
