Hi... /original

[norskheks]

Umm, hi, fellow people. I'm a new forum user and a new MIHH listener, and so far I've really related to and loved it, and a lot of times the only place I really have to vent is my facebook and my friends there just don't understand so I figured this might be a good place to be.

My name is Sara, I'm a compulsive over-eater, I have major depression, I have social anxiety that can get pretty severe, as well some other anxieties, I was raised in a dysfunctional family with verbal/emotional abuse, I'm codependent, I think I have CPTSD (thank you, wikipedia), and I believe that I'm fundamentally bad and I can't change that.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 18 (I'm 27 now), currently I'm going to the same therapist I've been with for over a year every week, and I'm on prozac and have that adjusted by a psychiatrist I see every 6 weeks, and that's getting me out of bed and helping me feel some hope. I try to go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings, but it's hard because I'm the only suburban American adult who doesn't drive (thanks, anxiety), and I also have a full-time job and I'm tired on Saturday mornings and want to sleep in, and I have no way to get home from meetings after work (I could go and ask for a ride home but I'm scared no one will be able to and I'll be stuck). So that's what I'm currently doing to try and help myself.

I'm on leave from a PhD in linguistics because my depression got so bad I was avoiding all my work and almost got kicked out of the program for not meeting deadlines. I hope to continue in the fall (my meds have been adjusted since so I think I can do it). Listening to the MIHH has made me want to be a comedian though, haha. I spent several months unemployed and am thankful to have a job now even though my bosses' screaming triggers my CPTSD and sometimes I feel so much shame I practice self-harm because it feels like the only way to appropriately atone for everything I do wrong. I have a wonderful boyfriend who also has depression and anxiety and self-esteem issues, and we understand and try to help each other. Unfortunately because we're both frequently broke, I don't drive, and we live 30 miles apart, we only see other a couple weekends a month, but those weekends are pretty much bliss when they happen, and we text almost every day. I have a lot of wonderful friends too but I don't live very near any of them either, so I get lonely a lot. My roommates are nice but I don't trust them enough to share this stuff with them (they're too "normal").

Anyway, I've blabbed enough, just wanted to leave something here before I start posting elsewhere in this forum.

[Scratch]

Yeah vent on this forum, we understand! Hope you can get back into your PhD and complete it, that'll be a great achievement to focus on.

As time comes people will understand your illness, and the ones that never will, well, they're destined to be solitary dicks forever.

It's really great that you're seeing the upside to your job even though your boss is a non-feeling idiot, for a lot of people (me) it would be too easy to focus on the negative. I hope you can get into a position where your boss's bullshit doesn't affect you or your mood, or hardly affects it.

[RisingUpAgain]

Howdy,

It sounds like you are suffering quite a bit. I hope that you continue to get help, I know it can be difficult to be vulnerable. Have you ever considered DBT? It is great for helping with things like overeating and self-harm.

Your roommates might appear normal, but I am sure they have their own struggles. If you are vulnerable with them, you might be surprised to find out how compassionate they are and it might strengthen your relationship with them. It might not work, but often times people are very understandable. Have you considered meetup.com to find people who are close to you with similar interests?

[norskheks]

Thanks, Scratch. I'm definitely not in such a place now, but I'm trying to work towards it.

And thanks, RisingUpAgain. I don't really know much about DBT. I have a therapy appointment tonight, maybe I'll ask about it. I do have one roommate who I feel pretty safe with, but I also have another one who is very anxious and codependent, which triggers my own anxiety and codependency. I guess that one ruins the whole house balance for me, if that makes sense. (Plus they're conventionally pretty, which kind of triggers me to expect abuse because of high school popular bitches. I know it's not fair of me but that's how it is.) I have tried meetup.com, and did one meetup, but the problem is that I can't get anywhere too easily cos I can't drive, and I don't trust strangers to just ask them for a ride before I meet them IRL, and I'm spending all my money on rent and food, so I have little leftover for trains to get into the city where there's actually public transportation.