YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi All,
Nice to meet everyone, thanks for letting me share my story. After a severely traumatic childhood, I have developed into a severe love addict. And unfortunately, the types of people I love are abusive and tend to be narcissistic, sociopaths, addicts, or all of the above lol. Actually, not LOL that's been my problem, is making way too light of the situation.

I always hear that once you're know better, you can do better. Or acknowledging the problem is the first step. I'm not so sure that's true. Unlike many women who find themselves in abusive relationships, I KNOW from the beginning. I can sense it. Even with all the charming facades and lies, I just know. But like any compulsive behavior, I just can't stop myself. Or I rationalize and minimize their behavior. Then I feel even MORE like shit, because I feel like at least other women have an excuse (They had no idea! He hid it so well!). Here I am being a masochist, signing up for this crap knowing full well it will be extremely destructive.

So after about 15 years of this pattern (I'm 28), after all the "Well, someone is better than no one" or "It's not THAT bad" or "At least I'm getting sex" I have decided enough is enough. I'm sick of my own bullshit. It's ridiculous. One day I was super depressed and really sad that one of my men had yet again humiliated and abandoned me. But then all of the sudden I was like "What the fuck am I doing, why am I feeling sorry for myself? I HAVE THE POWER. I can not talk to him! It really can't be THAT hard." Which of course, in the past has proven to be impossible lol. It's just not that simple sometimes, it's like in abusive relationship you have amnesia and a few days later it's all okay. But something was different this time. I think I had finally finally finally had enough. I kept thinking "I don't want to die this way. I don't want to die alone, or with some asshole who is completely indifferent towards me and has no love me for me at all. I don't want to waste my life."

I hope this time it sticks. It sure feels different. And Paul's podcast has helped me so much. I listen to it every night. One of the reasons I feel like I am an addict is because I'm lonely, and I never got any affection as a child. This podcast truly has helped me realize I'm not alone.

If anyone else is going through the same thing, please respond to this post or message me directly. I feel like connecting to others is truly what's helping me heal. Lots of love <3

Bri

Thanks for sharing! I hope you find healing/happiness soon.

I can definitely identify with the word you used: addict. I am straightedge, which means no alcohol, tobacco, or drugs. Except I am completely addicted to women. When I get a text from a woman I like I always think "This is the rush that drug addicts describe that I've read about. I want more." I'll pass any drug test you put in front of me, but not the drug of the heart.

(I want to avoid speaking for All Men, so I'll only speak for/about myself below)

My grandmother always said that the only way to tell if a man is lying is to see if his lips are moving. Sometimes I (reputed to be "a good guy") will find myself spewing charming lies to women. I would never do that to another guy.

I had to smile when I read how you realized that you, as a woman have THE POWER. *That's* the truth. I and my friends are something of rakes, and we observe minutely which women have realized having said power. I eagerly look forward to the day when enough women realize they have The Power, and band together. That will be great for everyone, including men. Passing the Bechtel Test is a fine example of The Power.

Lastly, I got charmed and seduced right into an abusive relationship a few years ago, even though I had taken a graduate level course on abusive relationships(!). Those abusers are soo charming. They are like Lucy pulling the football at the last second. Worse, six months ago I nearly got sucked into another abusive relationship, even though I saw all the red flags. Sigh.

Hang in there.

Hi Bri,

I can totally relate to parts of your story. I had a rocky childhood sort of devoid of any emotional connection - even with my parents and sisters. As a result, I grew a thick "armor" of sorts and had difficulty letting people in. When I finally let my guard down a little and actually experienced affection from a girl that I cared about it was incredibly intoxicating. It's been years since the night I met her and I can remember every detail about it like it was yesterday - what we did, how she looked, what music was playing, what we ate... even tiny details like what color her fingernail polish was. It's easy to see why people chase that feeling, even when they might know deep down that that person or situation is not ideal.

Self-awareness about why you are doing something can be a tricky thing, but it sounds like you are on the right track. Remember that both you and Oak are correct, you DO have the power. You don't have to settle for anyone. You know that who you're with doesn't define your value as a human being even though some people seem to feel that way.

It's a struggle but you'll be better for it in the end. And when you've experienced the lows in life, it just makes the highs that much higher am I right?

J.G.G.

Thanks for the replies...much appreciated