Hello Future Friends
Posted: May 31st, 2014, 3:24 am
Hi everyone, great to be here. I've been listening to the show for years and it helped me get through some of the worst times of my life. I credit Paul with being a big part of my drive to become a standup comic, which I've been doing for almost 2 years.
I guess I should say something about where I'm coming from and what I'm dealing with.
I'm a tall, overweight female. I overeat 3+ times a week. Even when I'm not eating to excess, I'm eating total shit. All junkfood all the time. An ex-boyfriend described my eating habits as those of a "12-year-old boy whose parents are out of town for the weekend."
I'm biracial but I look white. My mom is black, Irish, and Native American. My dad is so white he's pink. I ended up with curly hair, green eyes, and freckles while my sister looks Latina. It's been a struggle having to play the "undercover brother" with white people, just praying that they won't say something racist. I am often disappointed. So I have to do an awkward "coming out" with people, which feels terrible because then I become the exemplar for all biracial people to that person. I feel guilty for what I feel like is using my heritage (not race) to my advantage because I feel like I shouldn't be able to claim blackness if I've never been judged based on my skin color. I've been made fun of for having a black mom, but that's not the same as being a victim of systemic and personal racism for my whole life. For some reason my struggle feels less important --less real-- because I only get it one-on-one from people instead of from society as a whole.
I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 8 years. I describe it as such: I don't have emotions anymore. I have symptoms. It's brought a lot of doubt into my life because in order to maintain wellness, I have to second guess everything I feel. But I'm also in my 20s so a lot of times I can't tell whether I'm manic or just making bad life choices because I'm a piece of shit 20-something. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was very young, making an attempt at 12 as a result of the aftermath of my parents' divorce. My last really bad instance of this thinking was in 2012, while studying for the bar exam. I did not pass. But during that nervous breakdown I realized that I didn't want to die without trying comedy. I make almost no money doing it, but I've never been happier. I've had depressive episodes since then, but nothing reaching the depths I felt during law school, where I'd lay in bed feeling numb and dirty for literally weeks.
I think that comedy has been a form of self-medication for me (not just because I'm always drinking because all open mics take place in bars) because the laughter and approval of strangers has become so important to me. Even before I became a comic, I was trying as hard as I could to make people laugh because then they'd like me. It's not a terrible way to live one's life, but I did start tearing at the seams pre-comedy because I felt like I had to be "on" all the time. Now I can be a weird bitch off-stage if I want to be because I don't feel like *everyone* has to like me; just the audience. Making people laugh is the thing I feel like I was meant to do on this Earth, so when I accomplish that, I'm on top of the world. When I have a really bad set, I feel "off" (like not terrible, but uncomfortable and weird, like walking around without a bra or riding in a car with no seatbelt) until my next set. It's a dragon that I chase but one where if I do it enough, I will *get* money. As far as vices go, it's been less destructive to my life/finances than a lot of other things.
I have dynamics with my parents that can only be described as "fucking weird" but I've already written WAY too much, so I'll just say thank you for reading. Thank you for accepting me into this online community. I look forward to interacting with you all.
I guess I should say something about where I'm coming from and what I'm dealing with.
I'm a tall, overweight female. I overeat 3+ times a week. Even when I'm not eating to excess, I'm eating total shit. All junkfood all the time. An ex-boyfriend described my eating habits as those of a "12-year-old boy whose parents are out of town for the weekend."
I'm biracial but I look white. My mom is black, Irish, and Native American. My dad is so white he's pink. I ended up with curly hair, green eyes, and freckles while my sister looks Latina. It's been a struggle having to play the "undercover brother" with white people, just praying that they won't say something racist. I am often disappointed. So I have to do an awkward "coming out" with people, which feels terrible because then I become the exemplar for all biracial people to that person. I feel guilty for what I feel like is using my heritage (not race) to my advantage because I feel like I shouldn't be able to claim blackness if I've never been judged based on my skin color. I've been made fun of for having a black mom, but that's not the same as being a victim of systemic and personal racism for my whole life. For some reason my struggle feels less important --less real-- because I only get it one-on-one from people instead of from society as a whole.
I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 8 years. I describe it as such: I don't have emotions anymore. I have symptoms. It's brought a lot of doubt into my life because in order to maintain wellness, I have to second guess everything I feel. But I'm also in my 20s so a lot of times I can't tell whether I'm manic or just making bad life choices because I'm a piece of shit 20-something. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was very young, making an attempt at 12 as a result of the aftermath of my parents' divorce. My last really bad instance of this thinking was in 2012, while studying for the bar exam. I did not pass. But during that nervous breakdown I realized that I didn't want to die without trying comedy. I make almost no money doing it, but I've never been happier. I've had depressive episodes since then, but nothing reaching the depths I felt during law school, where I'd lay in bed feeling numb and dirty for literally weeks.
I think that comedy has been a form of self-medication for me (not just because I'm always drinking because all open mics take place in bars) because the laughter and approval of strangers has become so important to me. Even before I became a comic, I was trying as hard as I could to make people laugh because then they'd like me. It's not a terrible way to live one's life, but I did start tearing at the seams pre-comedy because I felt like I had to be "on" all the time. Now I can be a weird bitch off-stage if I want to be because I don't feel like *everyone* has to like me; just the audience. Making people laugh is the thing I feel like I was meant to do on this Earth, so when I accomplish that, I'm on top of the world. When I have a really bad set, I feel "off" (like not terrible, but uncomfortable and weird, like walking around without a bra or riding in a car with no seatbelt) until my next set. It's a dragon that I chase but one where if I do it enough, I will *get* money. As far as vices go, it's been less destructive to my life/finances than a lot of other things.
I have dynamics with my parents that can only be described as "fucking weird" but I've already written WAY too much, so I'll just say thank you for reading. Thank you for accepting me into this online community. I look forward to interacting with you all.
I think you will find that you are in good company. I'm glad you are here.