YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So here we go. I've been listening to the podcast since around the beginning. I turned 30 a few months ago and feel completely lost most of the time. Mostly crippling anxiety, which I attribute to my dropping out of school, my lack of career advancement, the absence of any love life and inability to finish a functional first draft of a novel I've been working on for almost 4 years, among other things. That and some depression, where I constantly wonder if I could've done something different to avoid the life I have now. I've been an adult for over a decade, yet I still don't have a single "grown up" triumph. I never graduated college, haven't gotten a good job, never been in any relationship (so I've never been engaged or married), no kids. I feel like 19 year old me and 30 year old me are basically the same on some level.

I was stuck in a dead end, low paying, hour gouging job, which I quit to get a job I burnt myself out on after a week and a half. Currently unemployed and looking, but for a college drop out with few decent references in a small town, things aren't looking good. My financial life is a wreck: I now owe 8K more in my student loans than I did when I started (bringing the total to 40K) and nothing I've done has been able to bring that total down. Not being able to find and keep a decent paying job has left me broke and constantly frustrated. I'm also stuck living at home.

Never had anything close to a love life, basically a series of crushes that went no where. I'm too afraid to approach women in a romantic sense because I think they'll take me as being a creep. Now that I'm in my 30s, I have the added baggage of no sexual experience when women my age are ready to settle down, get married and have kids.

My dad passed away almost a year ago after a really awful final couple months of his life. His mental illness took over and he became a different person. I cut off contact for the last seven months of his life and for this I feel unrelenting guilt because for the most part our relationship was great. The fact that he constantly struggled with his mental illness has me worried I'll end up like him: unable to work and becoming a financial burden. Not to mention the fact that both my father and grandfather died in their early 60s has me worried I only have 30 years ahead for me.

I really want things to get better for me, but after 8 years of things getting increasingly worse, I don't know how I'll ever shake this life of being a sad sack who just gets crapped on by life. I am in counseling and considering taking some meds, but haven't worked up the nerve to call.

But aside from that, I'm doing great.

I read your post and I honor your pain. You don't deserve this suffering, ticktock. I had a life devoid of romance until the age of 25, for what it is worth. Your hopeless world-view is a symptom of a depressed mindset, which can be improved. I had a breakdown at the age of 25, and then my ego was crushed and then I didn't have any inner resistance to getting help. I wish for you to get the help you deserve and enjoy the improvements, without having to go through a breakdown.

Thanks Manuel. I think the counseling I've been to (since March/April of last year) has helped, and because of events of the last few months, I scheduled an appointment with a doctor to get on some medication for my depression/anxiety issues. I know it usually takes a while before meds can kick in, but I hope that that can help me find some peace. Fortunately I haven't had a panic attack or breakdown, but I have definitely cracked under the pressure and felt overwhelmed and unable to figure out what steps I should be taking to get out of this mess. My counselor feels like I have a milder condition than my dad, though we both know it's not a walk in the park.

Glad you are taking constructive steps towards the life you deserve, ticktock!