New, and glad to be here
Posted: June 27th, 2014, 5:08 pm
Hello! I'm not quite sure what to post. One of my close friends referred me to the podcast and from there I discovered this forum, and I'm finding it wonderful browsing the open honesty and emotional flow within this forum. About myself - I'm 22, I've struggled with suicidality since I was 9. My uncle attempted to rape me, but that isn't what haunts me. My family didn't agree with my desire to go to the police, so when I did (which opened up the family secret of my uncle doing it for over a generation of women within my family), my family was split between my supports and my haters. The haters would call my parents and scream to voice their disgust at their revolting daughter, and if I ever picked up the phone they would threaten to "finish the job he started" because I deserved to die for ruining his life and my own family. At that young of an age, I believed them. I attempted to do it myself to save them the trouble. Now I will fastforward and skip 5 years of cutting, suffering in silence, to the time the first person in my life committed suicide and I found a friend who, for the first time, I opened up to and shared my struggles with when I had never told anyone before. This is when I discovered my motivation that has kept me alive. Fastforward to the current day. My uncle died by suicide over two years ago now, and including him and the first friend I mentioned that makes four in my life I have lost to suicide. All while having daily haunting thoughts about my own suicide. My demons, as I lovingly refer to my ideations. I am okay. I cope, I have accepted that my demons will never go away, and that the effort it sometimes takes to keep them in a cage becomes overwhelming and leaves me with little energy, but that motivation I have discovered keeps me going. That motivation has lead to to be a Master's student in Community Mental Health, doing research on the experiences of suicide stigma and how it can be reduced. I work with a self-help group for individuals who have attempted suicide - work I would never be able to do as someone who had not experienced thoughts and an attempt themselves. I not refer to my suicidality as an "unfortunate privellege" because of the experience, motivation, and wisdom it has given me. I encourage youth who have struggled to find an outlet that can turn their struggles into strengths - whether it be art, comedy, poetry, music, academic work, advocacy, ANYTHING that channels their pain into a way that helps others because that is what has helped me the most. That, and a strict regiment of clean eating, excercise, meditation, and outdoor adventures that I get a little wonky if I have to break even for a day. Very long introduction, but I am interested in hearing what other people have done to turn their pain and struggles into something productive
