The Only Posting I've Done is in My Head

[Fogged_Reality]

So I joined a while ago, thinking I'd dive right in, imagined posting so many times that I'd convinced myself I'd done it already. And now I realize I've done nothing and should have leapt when I had the chance instead of letting my fears and worry over what everyone thinks get the best of me. Story of my life.

So, I'm a 40-something fem, normal childhood, married for 19 years, good career (by a thread), one spud, two miscarriages, and a whole nightmarish three years worth of (finally) diagnosed anxiety, clinical depression (just waiting to have that one upgraded to bipolar on top of everything else), ptsd, stress, fear, worry, waiting for the other shoe to drop, what the heck is wrong with me, "you can't be depressed, look at what you have!", non-communicative, isolationist, hate looking at myself in the mirror, tired of being trapped in my head, mess. Boo hoo. I know, I know... but it's so much easier to be angry, sarcastic, and self-deprecating with my own struggles than to delve into the reality of it. I empathize with some sufferers, sympathize with others, but my own struggle rates self-ridicule to cope.

It's always hard to start talking about it, but just like therapy, I know it comes easier with the doing. Been out of therapy since mine moved on to greener pastures... I really need to do the same.

I'm glad I'm doing this, finally. And I know from the podcasts that there is a lot of love and support in these halls, and I'm ready both to give and to find my own.

[justsomeoneinacorner]

Well then, let me be the first to welcome you. I look forward to hearing more from you as you feel comfortable posting.

[oak]

Hey! I am glad you posted. I enjoyed reading your post. I was charmed by your use of the word "spud".

Post as much or as little as you like. Either way, I'll look forward to your posts. Take care.

[Syuni]

Welcome! Thank you for for telling a bit of your story!

"you can't be depressed, look at what you have!"

I know this feeling so well. But you can be the luckiest person in the world and still be depressed, and the feelings you get from depression is very much valid. It doesn't matter how much you have, the problems and mental hurdles you're going through are very valid.

And I can tell everyone in the world this while fully believing it, until it applies to myself. I'm sure you feel the same. But I hope that the more you open up you'll see that people sympathize with you as much as you can with others. Maybe eventually you can sympathize with yourself, understand your feelings, and realize you're not silly for having them. Maybe then the self deprecation will go down. You sound like a wonderful person who doesn't deserve any mean things you might think about yourself.