YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello, Im Joe and I'm a 29 year-old art nerd.

I suffer from depression & anxiety. I just recently stumbled upon the MIHH podcast and it's been relieving to hear so many stories I can relate to. First off, I have an asymmetrical face which gives me a noticeably crooked jaw line. When I look in the mirror I tell myself it's not that bad and I'm a pretty handsome guy, and I truly believe this. Unfortunately in social situations, my mental image of myself is a hideous monster that most people can't stand looking at, which has fueled my social anxiety and depression that's driven me to (mostly) isolate myself. I still love going out with friends for drinks and events, but I don't trust any of my friends the same way I used to because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. It's a deep sense of worthlessness that's grown slowly throughout my teenage years and into adulthood. I've suffered from BDD for years not knowing what it was until a psychedelic mushroom trip revealed it all to me 2 years ago (ill go into this later). Blissful ignorance of my obsession with my face kept me extremely positive, social, motivated and I had average self esteem. I was insecure for sure, but had a "no one really notices" attitude, which ironically even though I refer to it as ignorant, is true most times. I had a perfectly symmetrical face up until I was about 14-15 years old, when my jaw bone started to grow crooked. Since then it's been a slow deterioration of my confidence, self-esteem and self-compassion. The worst part about my situation is the fact that my obsession isn't bedded in delusion. I really have to deal with people not knowing how to react to my appearance sometimes and I periodically get negative reactions from people I meet briefly like 7/11 store clerks, cashiers, waitresses etc. I'd say on average 6 out of 10 people react kindly and continue socializing with me normally (if they do notice at all. I can tell when people do, it's an undeniable look in their eye or slight change in behavior. I've learned to recognize it). I would say 2 out of 10 people notice and don't know how to react because they probably don't want to offend me or make me uncomfortable, so they ignore me and don't make eye contact. The remaining 2 out of 10 are completely turned off by my appearance and react by being rude or giving me a weird look. Try hitting on girls at a club or bar with my face. Yep. Sucks a bag of dicks. The reality for me is, I do get judged on my appearance sometimes and I have no control over it. That fear has manifested into a selfish, angry inner monster that feeds off negative thoughts. It may not seem very bad (based on how I laid it out only 4 out of 10 people on average react to me in a negative way, right?), but that's 40% of people I meet (including friends of friends in social situations), that don't know how to interact with me based on my appearance...never knowing my personality, how I speak or what my interests are. In the past, most people who are forced to talk to me default to a level of conversation fit for a preschooler (what's your favorite color type shit). It's extremely frustrating because its obviously a lack of interest to engage with me and has intensified my social anxiety in recent years to the point where I fear engaging in conversation with anyone outside of my room mates and and most family members. I cannot function in the typical back and forth required in conversation. At this point, I am completely socially inept because I fear judgement. I'm mostly quiet and lay down the occasional joke here and there, but I feel completely disconnected to everyone around me and have horrible eye contact. I love all my friends and family so much, but I'm not able to engage or exhibit the affection and positive energy I want to provide them with my presence. Everything seems overwhelming and chaotic because I'm in constant fear and cannot live in the moment or be present.

Two years ago during a psychedelic mushroom trip, I was shot out of a cannon of naivete and into the dark, frightening ocean of reality. I took an eighth of mushrooms with my brother and 2 friends on a friday night in my house, ready for good times. The first half of my trip was bright, funny, eye opening (all my current and past problems were revealed to me and I decided I needed to work on myself). My inner thoughts literally told me I had dysmorphic disorder, anxiety, depression since I was a child, grew up in a dysfunctional family environment, and lacked faith in myself which has kept me from accomplishing my dreams. Keep in mind I had no idea what BDD was then, or any idea of the problems it, or my dysfuntional childhood had brought to me. Truly amazing how therapeutic psychedelic experiences can be. Sometimes a trip can open up that closet door in your subconscious that you didn't realize existed or harbored repressed feelings or memories. The second half of my trip turned dark when my room mate began to spiral and pulled me into his bad trip. I told my brother and other friend to separate themselves and to enjoy the rest of their trip while I stayed around the friend who was spiraling so I could try to help him turn it back to a positive place. Since I was tripping as well, I had an extremely difficult time succeeding at accomplishing this and ended up exacerbating the situation. I never spiraled out of reality the same way my friend did, because I was constantly reminded by the situation that he needed help...somehow this was my baseline for reality and I was able to stay present during the whole ordeal until my brother made an emergency call to a sober friend who came to relieve me from the sitution. I had an anxiety attack while tripping, and in those moments also unlocked some repressed memories of past traumas and feelings. While trying to help my friend, I felt worthless because I wasn't able to help my him and couldn't understand why at the time. I felt like a failure, and I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Discovering my problems initially felt scary but with positive assurance I would be able to get help and change, but once my trip turned bad it made everything feel hopeless and gave me extreme doubt that I could change or contribute anything to society, friends, and family etc. Since that point my self-compassion, self-esteem and mindfulness have gone straight to the toilet and my existing disorders that were previously manageable have run amok. I made such a deep agreement within myself that I was worthless, no amount of logic and inspirational advice can bring me out of it. Within the podcast community (mainly joe rogan/ari shaffir and friends podcasts, which I love btw) mostly consist of positive psychedelic stories and experiences, never really giving examples of how it can affect people with existing mental problems. Even though my trip contributed to my decaying self worth, the problem was terrible set and setting...not the mushrooms. However, If my story isn't an example of how a bad psychedelic trip can be detrimental to someone's mental health when they possess mental problems, I don't know what is. I suppose if you are ignorant to your own mental issues and simultaneously develop an interest in hallucinogens, you may be shoved into a head on collision with reality in the way I have here.

My parents are amazing. They have always been encouraging, loving, supportive, have financially backed my education, been generous with their time, and both would give their last dollar to help me in a bind. I love both of my parents very much and would do anything for them, and strive to make them proud one day. Which is why that sharing the details of my family's dysfunction here bring me wrenching guilt and fear that I am a piece of shit for a son, and a selfish asshole for focusing on the negative aspects of my relationship and upbringing by my parents. Growing up in a dysfunctional family unit and knowing in your heart and soul something is wrong but not realizing what it is, is like trying to find your way out of a maze you don't realize you're in. You didn't see yourself enter it, how can you know you're inside or how to get out? You just accept it as normal and slowly grow into broken human being. My parents are fundamentalist christian zealots. They aren't the 'standing on the street corner screaming god is coming back' type of radical Christians...they are your standard Sunday service goers. Completely faithful and accepting of the bible as a literal account of events-type Christians. I consider myself agnostic, and I don't subscribe to the ideological beliefs my parents raised me with. I believe taking the bible as a literal account of true events is unrealistic and naive, and in all honesty I straight up cannot relate or feel connected to the stories and laws of the bible. I cannot express how frustrating it is to grow up with parents that turn to god to solve all problems, and justify all moral perspective and advice by referring to bible verses. I brought this up because I believe it's one of the pivotal pillars that support the foundation for my parents narcissism, not necessarily to bash the christian religion and it's followers. My mother is irrational, emotionally damaged and unstable, relentlessly controlling and domineering, obsessive and anxious. My dad is disconnected, non empathetic, grandiose, guilt ridden and slightly anti-social. They both have consistently invalidated opinions I've presented growing up and into adulthood. I think because of this, I've never really had a true sense of self or respect for my own opinions and philosophies. I don't know who I am.

Aside from my current social problems that have manifested in recent years, I've grown up with completely abnormal feelings and thoughts. I had a long conversation with my mother last week about this, and a few things came up that may explain it. I want to put it out into the world in hopes others can relate to it and/or offer some perspective to myself and anyone that's dealing with what I've described. Before my parents attended a non-denominational Christian church, they were involved with a cult for over 10 years. The church they went to has been involved in numerous lawsuits and is infamous for being described as a cult by former members. Here is a link to the wikipedia page on the church my parents were associated with:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Local_Church_controversies

I've grown up with intense guilt, fear of death, fear of inadequacy, fear of intimacy, and an inability to accept compliments or loving words and embraces. I don't really like being touched or hugged by anyone although I allow it and reciprocate on a regular basis to fit in. I can remember feeling this way since about 3 to 5 years old. Until my mushroom trip, I was under the impression these feelings were completely normal. My current problems don't explain my adolescent behavioral anomalism, and I believe the cult brainwashing from the Local Church partly explains how these feelings were implanted. You can Google the Local Church's lawsuits and read complaints from former members, but it won't come close to how my Mom has described it. My mother became aware it was a cult long before my dad would agree and ultimately leave the church. My parents attended the church Brother Lee spoke at, who was (he passed away years ago) the founder of the Local Church Ministry. From the age of 3-4 I attended sunday school at the Local Church until my parents left it soon after. My mom described the teachings as heavily guilt driven, obscure perspectives on life and indoctrination of Lee's teachings, and urging isolation from family and friends who weren't associated with the church. A lot of these things were taught in children's classes as well. I can't say specifically what I was taught there because I was too young to remember. I do remember the church, but nothing outside of feeling unsafe and scared during my time there. While discussing this with my mother and how being at the church possibly affected her and myself, she also opened up and revealed to me that she was molested as child by a neighbor. While trying to express how sorry I was this happened to her and proposing it may be why she has been emotionally unstable, she brought up a strange neighbor that lived next door to where I grew up. Exploring this for some time we came to conclusion there was a good chance I was molested as a child at the age of 3 and don't remember it. My mom told me a story about how I went missing from the house one afternoon, which is as follows: She left me playing in the living room briefly while she did laundry and when she returned to check on me saw the front door open and I was gone. My mom said her and my dad searched for me screaming my name for 20-30 minutes all around our neighborhood until my mom let our neighbors know I was missing. When she did, she found me with the couple that lived next door. Their names are Terri and Bob Akin (not sure about the spelling of their last name yet). My mom was obviously outraged, and when she asked why they didn't let her know I was with them, Bob claimed "Oh I figured you would come looking over here sooner or later". Red flag. My mom went on to describe Bob as very strange, and knew other neighbors that complained about him for multiple reasons. I'm not sure I was molested necessarily, but I may have been shown something or told something I wasn't able to process at that age that psychologically affected me. My mom said while we lived there, mainly from age 3-6 I would complain of constant nightmares and claim I saw ghosts in the house at night and early mornings. I could start a whole other thread on that topic alone.

If you've made it all the way here, I want to say I appreciate taking the time to read my story. I'm looking into finding the right therapist right now and hope to start sessions soon in order to work a lot of this out. In fact, if anyone could recommend a good therapist in San Diego, I would really appreciate it. Any comments or questions are welcome...I'm treating this like a virtual support group.

-Joe

Hello Averagejoe, welcome to our little forum. Looking forward to reading your contributions to the threads here!

I read you post, and I fully sense the suffering that you are currently within. I am glad you are being self-loving by pursuing a near-by therapist.

I don't have any specifics to offer you, because I just don't know very much about BDD or how psychedelics affect underlying mental issues.

Please take care, all the best to you, and know that we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Hi Joe,
It certainly sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, and I commend you for being able to put so much difficulty into words. I can relate a little bit to the mushroom trip bringing out a reality that you didn't realize existed. I had a mushroom trip (my last) when I was 17 that made an impact on my social anxiety, where I saw myself as completely apart from the rest of functioning humanity. I had spent my entire life feeling different, and that trip gave me a perspective and emotional response memory to come back to to validate how different I was. To put it another way, when I felt socially awkward afterward, I used the memory and the way I felt in the trip to prove to myself that I really was that awkward. It was a touch stone. It took me a long time to not pull up that memory every time I felt awkward again. It was the intensity of the drug that had caused it to feel so real, and it was a real emotion that I could attach to feeling awkward later. I'm still not sure I'm describing that right, but what I'm hoping to say is that perhaps you can accept that the emotion of when you were in the trip was far more intense because you were in the trip and that when you have a feeling of awkwardness now, applying the same emotional intensity as you had in the trip is sort of not fair to yourself. That's how I managed to rationalize it for me. I don't know if that will be of any use or not

I grew up with a lot of religious guilt and still have significant challenges with it. I was raised Mormon and turned out gay, so there's always that little voice in the back of my head telling me I might go to hell. I can't really help with the religious part, but I empathize. I was also raised in a severely dysfunctional family, so I empathize there as well.

I have lupus, and fairly regularly will get large ring-worm looking rashes on my face. Most people won't acknowledge that they are there in polite conversation, but I can see how people look at me, and how some people look away from me. I've grown an appreciation for children who, much to the embarrassment of their parents, will sometimes just come right out and say "what's wrong with your face?" Parents will start to stammer, but I always just respond with something casual and forthright that my body works a little bit differently than theirs does and causes me to look funny sometimes. The kids will usually just accept that and consider it a dead issue. It's a little harder with adults, but I've found that I don't necessarily need to be polite in polite conversation. If I see that someone is definitely looking and being awkward about it, I'll just say, "don't worry, it's not contagious." I've gotten more than a few stammers at that one, but it works for me.

I'm sorry that so many things have come together to put you into such a tough place. I hope that you have success with finding a therapist that you can work with.

Good luck, brother.

-- ryan

Just wrote a long reply to you both only to have it erased from accidentally refreshing the page! Short and sweet version: thank you both for the kind words and advice. Ryan, it's been so difficult to explain my trip and how it's affected me to friends and family. No one can really relate since they've never had a bad experience. I'm glad you found my post, your experience sounds nearly identical is some ways and its good to know I'm not the only one...also that it's possible to move past it. Unfortunately it feels like a huge obstacle to overcome at the moment. I'm sorry to hear you experience the same type of judgement in social situations dealing with lupus, but it's relieving to finally hear from someone that can empathize. Anyone I've opened up to about it usually ends up saying things like "it could be worse", and "don't let it get you so down"...which I appreciate but it's just so unrealistic. I admire your ability to confront those socially awkward situations with a joke. I've actually never tried just addressing it that way, so if I can build up the courage I will give that a shot next time. I'm usually so frustrated and down about it that I don't even give the idea of a pleasant experience with someone a chance. At this point in my head, there is no such thing as a positive interaction with another human being. I only expect judgement or awkwardness. Anyway, thank you again for your comforting words, I really need them at the moment. I feel overwhelmed to say the least. Wishing you the best as well.

-joe

Hey Joe,
I'm really glad I came across your post too. I've been hearing a lot of the "It could be worse" and the "Don't let it get you down" too, as I've been going through an identity crisis and emotional turmoil. The words may make sense intellectually, but they don't come close on the emotional level. Nobody knows what it's like to be you except you, and nobody knows what it's like to be me except me. We just have to live with it, and hope that we get through it.

I'm reminded of what a good friend told me once. "You're allowed to hate yourself as long as you also remember to love yourself equally."

Hi.. I am new hear but I really connected to your story. Specifically the difficulty of conversing with others and feeling detached from everyone and thing. I constantly live in my head if you know what I mean. My mind often wanders and I constantly ruminate on mistakes I made, regrets, embarrassing moments and basically every negative moment of my life.

I live an isolated life. No friends that live near me. I fear rejection and intimacy. I have never had a serious relationship because I am not comfortable opening myself up and being vulnerable. I fear that I am so uninteresting and weird that no one would ever want me. Though I get who shows interest I avoid even though I am lonely.

Sorry if I mischaracterized your words. It just feels nice to think I'm not the "only one".