I've always been drifting.
Posted: September 13th, 2014, 1:19 am
So, uhh, I haven't heard the podcast or anything, I just sorta found this place off google. It seemed lively, so I figured what the hell. Also, the name of this username is from Blue Velvet. Great movie. Great, great movie.
Fair warning, I'm probably gonna unload a bunch of crap on you guys for this introduction, because I don't know where else to put all this. If you don't want to read a life story, go ahead and skip it I won't blame ya.
There's a history of craziness in a good majority of my family, especially on my mother's. I'm not so sure on my father's, long story there, but definitely on my mother's side. We're both fairly sure that her mother(and my grandmother) is some form of schizophrenic, but that's just an educated guess.
Growing up, there would be very short periods of time where I could hear whispering. I think it was whispering, anyway, that's the best way to describe it. Except, I couldn't hear any words or anything, it really just sounded like a room of overlapping whispering. So, like, I'd hear consonants crashing over each other, and even though it was 'whispering' it was loud as hell. It mainly happened when I was alone, and it happened frequently when I was a child, like six to ten. Maybe thirteen? I don't really remember.
But anyway, it stopped for a while after that, and it kinda came back in high school. Except, this time, it only happened when I stayed up a really, really, really really long time, like two+ days.
So, I haven't really had that for a while, but knowing what I now know about my family lineage, I'm wondering if that was some form of psychosis or something, or if I just wasn't eating enough cheese or something stupid like that.
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Another issue I have, this one more constant, is that I have mood shifts. Like, some people will portray bipolar disorder as just flipping out within seconds, so they're up and down and up and down, and I also hear people misdiagnose themselves as bipolar all the time, so I'm not gonna go there with myself.
However, I did have mood shifts. They were just really, really, really slow. So, for like two months I'll be really happy and on top of the world, then I'll sort of downshift over the next month, but it's really gradual. Then I'll be all down and despairing, I'll be like Boromir after all those Urukai shot him with arrows. You know, "OHHH NO THE WORLD OF MEN WILL FALL, WAAAAH", that's what I constantly sound like in my head. It's horrible. Then, I'll stay there for a while, before slowly climbing the rungs again. As you might imagine, it makes it hard to, y'know, do grownup things. I'm wondering if it's something mental, or if I just need to kick myself in the ass a few times and deal with it. It might be both.
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Being on a downshift, that really kinda hurts relationships. I mean, I have this girl's number in my phone, and she is great. She is smoking hot, she's pretty, she's smart, she plays D&D, she's patient, we share other similar, uhhh...'interests'(You know what I'm sayin', I don't have to spell it out.).
And it's been a long time since I've talked to her. I don't know why it's been so long, but I do this all the time. I build up a contact, then I pull away from that contact, I always did. Romantic or otherwise, there'd be a moment where I just wanted them to leave me the fuck alone, and just go be alone in a room somewhere.
I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel like Sputnik.
Fair warning, I'm probably gonna unload a bunch of crap on you guys for this introduction, because I don't know where else to put all this. If you don't want to read a life story, go ahead and skip it I won't blame ya.
There's a history of craziness in a good majority of my family, especially on my mother's. I'm not so sure on my father's, long story there, but definitely on my mother's side. We're both fairly sure that her mother(and my grandmother) is some form of schizophrenic, but that's just an educated guess.
Growing up, there would be very short periods of time where I could hear whispering. I think it was whispering, anyway, that's the best way to describe it. Except, I couldn't hear any words or anything, it really just sounded like a room of overlapping whispering. So, like, I'd hear consonants crashing over each other, and even though it was 'whispering' it was loud as hell. It mainly happened when I was alone, and it happened frequently when I was a child, like six to ten. Maybe thirteen? I don't really remember.
But anyway, it stopped for a while after that, and it kinda came back in high school. Except, this time, it only happened when I stayed up a really, really, really really long time, like two+ days.
So, I haven't really had that for a while, but knowing what I now know about my family lineage, I'm wondering if that was some form of psychosis or something, or if I just wasn't eating enough cheese or something stupid like that.
---------------------------------
Another issue I have, this one more constant, is that I have mood shifts. Like, some people will portray bipolar disorder as just flipping out within seconds, so they're up and down and up and down, and I also hear people misdiagnose themselves as bipolar all the time, so I'm not gonna go there with myself.
However, I did have mood shifts. They were just really, really, really slow. So, for like two months I'll be really happy and on top of the world, then I'll sort of downshift over the next month, but it's really gradual. Then I'll be all down and despairing, I'll be like Boromir after all those Urukai shot him with arrows. You know, "OHHH NO THE WORLD OF MEN WILL FALL, WAAAAH", that's what I constantly sound like in my head. It's horrible. Then, I'll stay there for a while, before slowly climbing the rungs again. As you might imagine, it makes it hard to, y'know, do grownup things. I'm wondering if it's something mental, or if I just need to kick myself in the ass a few times and deal with it. It might be both.
------------------------------
Being on a downshift, that really kinda hurts relationships. I mean, I have this girl's number in my phone, and she is great. She is smoking hot, she's pretty, she's smart, she plays D&D, she's patient, we share other similar, uhhh...'interests'(You know what I'm sayin', I don't have to spell it out.).
And it's been a long time since I've talked to her. I don't know why it's been so long, but I do this all the time. I build up a contact, then I pull away from that contact, I always did. Romantic or otherwise, there'd be a moment where I just wanted them to leave me the fuck alone, and just go be alone in a room somewhere.
I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I feel like Sputnik.
