I'm Here, I'm Queer, I'm still getting used to it

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Just getting into many issues of mine like my horrendous anxiety, sexual identity, mental illness, trauma, etc.

Hope I can connect with people here in a way I don't anymore in person. Found myself in a situation with very little support.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, IdentityPoltergeist, welcome to our little forum!

I think you will find this a very safe, supportive place. I see you have already contributed to some of the topics here.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!!

[oak]

Hey! Welcome. Thanks for posting. I am glad to see you using your voice.

I encourage you to be patient with yourself: integrating new identities can take time. Hang in there.

[IdentityPoltergeist]

You know, it's funny because I never put a lot of thought into identity and even got annoyed by the concept of putting oneself in a box. So I avoided thinking about it or really labeling myself (but someone will always put a label on you if you don't do it, and that label may not be the best representation of you).

Then my therapist asked me: "do you struggle with a lack of identity?" And I could only reply, "I don't know what you mean by the word identity." It was pretty much dropped, I said something about my sexual identity and how I felt it was fluid and how frustrating it was to have an expectation of who my partners should be.

But it hit me when I went back to my college town and saw some I my old college friends and felt so much jealousy toward them, and it wasn't because they had a certain thing or a certain career... It was because they knew who they were and what they liked. Their identities were in the art on their walls, the records they listened to, the consistency of their living arrangements. They have sports and activities they engage in. And I realized what she meant then. I have no idea who I am. I don't know what I like to do, not much of anything. I have no style, I do whatever is cheapest and it looks like chaos. The house I live in is full of cool posters and art, my boyfriend's interests, his identity. Nothing reflects me in my life. I don't write anymore. I have no inspiration. When I think about who I am, I come up empty. A blank canvas that can be linked to other more beautiful canvases but with no distinct lines of its own. And that's me. This big, empty blah of nothingness.

I feel like a stooge when I try to "be the girl who___" like everyone knows I'm putting on a mask. I bounce from doing or liking one thing or another with no passion. There is nothing I like actively doing. Maybe that's my depression. But I'm trying. I miss when other people were around to tell me who I am, what I am good at, and what I like. I lost that person. I think I was happy then, for the most part. But now I'm living this double life. I'm alone. It's like I'm just on autopilot.

Anyway that is more detail on what I'm going through. I get bored just thinking about it because I'm so utterly boring. I would kill myself but there'd be nothing to say about me. Except I guess, she's dead, whoever she was. That, and all the work it would take to erase all the embarrassing paperwork and pictures of me and my quarreling identities just seems like so much work. But still, I think about it a lot.

[manuel_moe_g]

There is a pretty cool identity behind your writing in the forum! Articulate and thoughtful.

[Stan]

hello there! welcome to the forum. just hang in there! everything will be fine. i am new here too, hope we can get along see you around

[manuel_moe_g]

Welcome to the forum, Stan!

[IdentityPoltergeist]

Welcome Stan, I'm sure we will . I see you have posted some replies on the forum. When you feel up for it, would like to hear more about you, but for now I appreciate the support you've been giving. Thank you!

[serious_oregon]

Hello, again, Identity Poltergeist! (We've chatted prior under the Depression topic).

You say you're queer, but have a boyfriend? Is part of your identity issue with being bisexual? I am only inquiring because I happen to be a grand ole lesbian with bisexual tendencies. I love men, but could never have an intimate, personal relationship with one. Anyhoozles, I didn't realize my true identity until I was in my mid-20s. Some people take longer than that and some people just never really know. And you know what? THAT'S OK! The underlying importance is your happiness. If I may be bold, you don't sound too happy? And THAT'S OK, TOO! The diversity of life shapes us, so none of us are molded; identical. If you are having trouble figuring out who you are, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. You're still being formed. You see the characteristics of what forms those around you. They are taking these as building blocks for their own personalities/identities. Take life from all angles and find what makes you smile, what makes you mad, who makes you tingle, what places appeal to you, if you like white cake better than chocolate (yes. yes, you do...) etc. You'll keep adding experience to your life and at some point you may say, "I'm a bisexual femme who digs NASCAR and eating pizza with a fork" or "I'm a transgender male who digs medical terminology and has a flare for styling wigs for toy poodles"! It may take some time, but you'll get enough sense of this world to find your place.

I really want to stress happiness. If you're not happy and taking good care of yourself, it will be much harder for you to take steps to finding who you are. We here at the MIHH know you are an amazing individual. It's true. We had a vote and it was unanimous! All in favor said "Aye!" We will support you, give you feedback, maybe tickle a couple of ribs, but most of all give you plenty of hugs, love, and support. You are completely worthy of all of our love, your friends love, your families love, your pets love, and anyone stranger on a bus's love. So, tie up those boots and take that first big step. WE all got your back and know YOU CAN DO IT! You'll never feel alone again being part of the MIHH family. xoxox

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I use "queer" as both an umbrella term and my way of saying "I have no idea what I am except it isn't straight." If you go by sexual and romantic partners alone, I'm pansexual. But while I was most comfortable with my trans girlfriends, I think it was just something I tried. "Love" has been pretty much exclusively to women and a very gay man. I always go for the impossible to get so's I can always repeat the rejection I faced constantly as a child, so a gay man from another country 26 hours away made total sense.

My college friends assume I'm lesbian oddly despite my trans girlfriends. I don't find men at all attractive, unless they are very feminine or genderfucky. So as a general label, bisexual is an identity I would only use around straight people.

I started seeing my boyfriend out of pure desperation. I have a colorful history of sexual assault so it's really hard for me to understand why I occasionally seek out or allow men to be with me sexually. It's probably my way of saying that thing that happened to me, it's what I wanted, see here? I'm doing it now and I chose to! It's pretty messed up. I have other threads about my sexual identity and guilt with my boyfriend though.

It's also convenient. My mom, it turns out, has no complaints so long as I'm not with a woman. At work I can talk about my partner without anyone getting disturbed or firing me, that's new. I don't have to worry about not being gay enough. Mostly I was going to get into an industry that would have been extremely damaging to me as I was out of options. So 1 guy versus many guys? I chose 1 guy I'd already been with 8 years before.

Thank you for your support. I still feel like a boring person with no identity. I will pass on the tickling though, my dad always tickled me very roughly and it hurt and he wouldn't stop when I begged him, because my brother and sister enjoyed it so why didn't I? I had to build up tolerance for it, like preparing for a punch in the face lol, but I don't volunteer for it.

Hug!