First heard Paul on Eddie Pepitone's Pep Talks podcast. I started to realize who he was when he mentioned "Dinner and a Movie." I remember that from back in my pre-teens and teens. I knew his podcast was something I definitely had to check out.
I had a broken upbringing. My mom and step dad basically failed me in my early teens. My biological dad failed me from the day I was born. I love my mother, but when I have long phone conversations with her, two thoughts always begin rolling around all over again as I am speaking with her:
"With you as a mother, how could I NOT have low self-esteem?"
And
"I could never live near you again."
I always feel like crap when I hang up with her, and I never quite understand why.
Best I can describe it...Mom knows subtle ways to push my buttons and she does not hesitate to do so, and she is very passive aggressive in her speak and tone of voice. If I dare bring it up, I get accused of "starting in with my paranoid crap" again. The fun part for her is making me feel crazy. I have come to realize it is a form of manipulation. My powerlessness makes her feel comfortable and needed.
Example: I mentioned liking the show "Say yes To The Dress" and I began talking about the kind of dress I would want and she started suddenly coughing and gagging violently, then she said, "I am sorry, continue..."
lolNow imagine little things like that all the time, whenever you speak in any way about bettering yourself, being good to yourself, entertaining positive and loving things for your own future. That's my mom. And if you dare try and call her on it, you are being difficult again and giving her a hard time.
And to sum it all up quickly, my stepdad called me stupid and the B word once in a while but mostly just made me feel very unwanted in my own home. He would stomp around and slam cupboards in irritation until I left and went to my room. He didn't want to look at me. And here I was a teen who felt uncomfortable anyway.
Today, I am treated like a baby who just needs to "get over it." My mom will "entertain" me with stories of the thoughtful and sweet things my stepdad does for their dog, knowing full well he never treated me as nice as that dog. And she will make passive-aggressive comments like, "One thing about Bill (not his real name), he doesn't hold a grudge." So she tries to shame me for my feelings. It does not seem to occur to her that maybe I will "get over it" the day she takes some real hard ownership.
Once I was sick on the couch and my step dad walked by and gave me such a rude look. A genuine look of disgust and hatred. I pulled the blanket over my head and cried silently. I pretended I was napping. He looked at me like one would look at a repulsive blob of puke.
I had a big suicide attempt on May 14, 2003 at age 23. Took an entire box of sleeping pills. I had been working on my method for a week or so. I also slit my wrists deeply and there are still scars, which I will say have healed up pretty well considering how gross the cuts were. People only notice if I show them my wrists. It was an overnight stay. My lame boyfriend didn't care and tried to change the subject when I told him. My mom said, "We are going to get through this together" but everything returned to exactly how it was before. Exactly. And I worked through it all my myself. (As best I knew how.) Paid off my whole bill all by myself. Not even a little help from the! as a kind gesture. No ownership at all that they contributed to my mental state even somewhat.
Most of my '20s was numbness and isolation. Avoided social situations, worked, came home, ate junk food, napped, never cleaned my house, always promised myself to get started on my house tomorrow, never would..repeat. I was a fabulous catch, I tell ya.
I will write a short novel if I don't stop at some point, but there's some more. Maybe another time. Haha
I look forward to checking in on this forum regularly. Love to all,
Shyla
