hi hi
Posted: November 26th, 2014, 2:04 am
Hi everyone! I'm a huge fan of this podcast and have been wanting to join the forums for a while now, so i guess i finally have. I can already tell you it's taken me WAY longer than necessary just to write those two sentences...and this one, though i'm steadily picking up pace. Talking to people is scary. Doesn't matter if it's in real life or on the internet. I guess i'll start to tell you about myself. I'm a 24 year old male, built like a praying mantis (tall and skinny) and have a really deep voice, but at my core i wish i could be cute and lovable, maybe female.
I grew up with a safe household and family. Had a lot of fights with one of my brothers growing up, but that's normal and he's someone i look up to more than anyone now. The biggest problem i think I've really had with my family is speaking up. I've always been very quiet, and being the youngest of four boys has made that pretty difficult.
The hardest thing, looking back on my childhood, is that i grew up spending a lot of time with my best friend, who may have been kind of abusive. Of course, we were the same age, and we were kids so i have a hard time calling it that. But i stuck with him from kindergarten until some time in or after high school. We had good times as friends too, but for the most part, it's just the bad memories that stay with me, sadly. Straight from the beginning, there was a feeling that he was significant. He would always make me unsure about anything. He'd start an argument with me just for the sake of doing so, or he'd just say "not necessarily" whenever i tried to make a point about something. I never did figure out how to retort to that. As we got older, he would respond to me by hitting me more often, or just hitting me for fun. I never really hit back except for the rare occasion by impulse. It really takes a lot to make me mad. The worst, though, were the often days when he would just tell me to shut up whenever i began to speak. This was especially common when we were around other people. It made me feel not just invisible, but like a worthless piece of shit. So all i could do in those situations was watch him and his friends hang out while i was too afraid to say anything because i'm far too obnoxious. The one time i ever stood up to him, he held up a knife to my throat, and when i didn't say anything, he said "that's what i thought."
So naturally, i have a pretty low self esteem. At this point, i do have four very close friends. One who i just met last year, who happens to be lesbian and she is an absolute angel. She tells me she loves me and does so many things that make me feel better about myself, and even through all that i have a deep fear that she really doesn't like me at all, a fear which i have with most people which makes it difficult for me to really connect with others. I haven't told her about my aforementioned friend at all really, but plan on doing so soon. She's opened up to me about hard things in her life as well, such as her PTSD and reason behind it. So of course i want to be able to open up to her as well, when my own experiences really don't seem as scarring as her own. But either way, she's just an amazing friend
And what started with me being really hesitant about me saying anything at all has turned into me giving pretty much my whole life synopsis to anyone who feels like reading this. So... sorry and thank you! (I really hope i used the word synopsis correctly)
I grew up with a safe household and family. Had a lot of fights with one of my brothers growing up, but that's normal and he's someone i look up to more than anyone now. The biggest problem i think I've really had with my family is speaking up. I've always been very quiet, and being the youngest of four boys has made that pretty difficult.
The hardest thing, looking back on my childhood, is that i grew up spending a lot of time with my best friend, who may have been kind of abusive. Of course, we were the same age, and we were kids so i have a hard time calling it that. But i stuck with him from kindergarten until some time in or after high school. We had good times as friends too, but for the most part, it's just the bad memories that stay with me, sadly. Straight from the beginning, there was a feeling that he was significant. He would always make me unsure about anything. He'd start an argument with me just for the sake of doing so, or he'd just say "not necessarily" whenever i tried to make a point about something. I never did figure out how to retort to that. As we got older, he would respond to me by hitting me more often, or just hitting me for fun. I never really hit back except for the rare occasion by impulse. It really takes a lot to make me mad. The worst, though, were the often days when he would just tell me to shut up whenever i began to speak. This was especially common when we were around other people. It made me feel not just invisible, but like a worthless piece of shit. So all i could do in those situations was watch him and his friends hang out while i was too afraid to say anything because i'm far too obnoxious. The one time i ever stood up to him, he held up a knife to my throat, and when i didn't say anything, he said "that's what i thought."
So naturally, i have a pretty low self esteem. At this point, i do have four very close friends. One who i just met last year, who happens to be lesbian and she is an absolute angel. She tells me she loves me and does so many things that make me feel better about myself, and even through all that i have a deep fear that she really doesn't like me at all, a fear which i have with most people which makes it difficult for me to really connect with others. I haven't told her about my aforementioned friend at all really, but plan on doing so soon. She's opened up to me about hard things in her life as well, such as her PTSD and reason behind it. So of course i want to be able to open up to her as well, when my own experiences really don't seem as scarring as her own. But either way, she's just an amazing friend
And what started with me being really hesitant about me saying anything at all has turned into me giving pretty much my whole life synopsis to anyone who feels like reading this. So... sorry and thank you! (I really hope i used the word synopsis correctly)