YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi all,

Everyday I dole out therapy to young adolescent females who are struggling with anxiety, depression, attachment issues, body dysmorphic disorder, and other assorted mental illness. I work with their families and in group therapy helping them understanding their thought processing and how to better themselves with appropriate coping skills.

And yet when I close the door to my office, all I want to do is turn out the lights, curl up in a little ball, and disappear.

I have suffered from bouts of dysthymia since my early 20s, finding myself the codependent female in 2 abusive relationships. I entered into the therapeutic realm as what seems to be a means to heal myself and my emotionally tumultuous and repressed childhood. I feel like an absolute hypocrite when I work with clients. How am I not able to take my own advice and use the right coping skills? How come I can't get my face out of the carton of ice cream as I emotionally eat? While all my friends are married and having kids, I sit here crying while my cat looks at me and silently says "You're an asshole."

I really enjoy my job, but am becoming increasingly frustrated with my inability to handle my life. If I'm the professional and the expert, I feel like I should have this shit figured out.

Any advice you could give? I feel like I'm living a lie and that the client will find out I'm a fake.

I understand your feelings about "being the expert" and wondering why you can't figure things out for yourself. I know so many people (80+% my entire grad school cohort) who have said they worry about feeling fake or unqualified to help others without having gotten 100% of their own shit straight first.

I think you already know this, but it often helps to hear someone else confirm it: having your own struggles does not make you fake and it doesn't negate the good you do for your clients. You do need to attend to self-care to best serve them, but it isn't all-or-nothing.

What resources do you have to discuss this with a clinical supervisor or your own therapist?

I can really relate to your post and I'm saddened that this is your experience.
I am an MFT student and am in my second year of seeing clients. As is often the case, I am not getting paid and am often asked to provide many hours per week to the agency beyond clinical hours and supervisions. The shine is wearing off and my stress in mounting as I finish up my degree and look to my future scope of practice and employment opportunities. I struggle with my own mental health diagnoses as well as stresses related to my family of origin and in-laws. However, I wouldn't choose another profession even if it was always this difficult.
The reason that I am continually validated in this choice is that I often remind myself of why I chose this profession in the first place. I love helping people. While I am also here to learn and grow as a person, my main job as a therapist is to walk alongside a struggling individual with compassion and empathy. To do this, I must care for myself first. When I am not healthy and cared for, I can not participate in another's healing and care.
And what it sounds like to me is that you are feeling burned out because you have not been receiving the level of care that you need. We cannot serve from an empty vessel.
I know that it can be so difficult to seek the help that we need and admit that we don't have it all together, especially as a therapist in a position of authority. But you know best, as the expert in your life, that you aren't feeling satisfied or happy with the ways things are now. Only you can take that next step to make the positive change. I sincerely hope that you can find the courage to share your struggles with a trusted person in your life (friend, partner, therapist, supervisor), so that you can continue on your lifelong journey of healing.

I would say look up imposter syndrome. You are doing great things by helping others and can't seem to help yourself sounds a lot like some feelings related to this. I would also recognize your strengths such as high emotional intelligence and being an empath. Self esteem is important and I would even say to seek a therapist who can help you sort through your beliefs. Medication is also a great tool..especially for irrational racing thoughts that come with depression. I hope this helped and you deserve to feel as important as you make others feel!

All I can say is you're far, far from alone - I'm also a wounded healer, and I know there are many more of us out there. But it's so hard for us to admit we're having problems. I'm glad we have this forum where we can drop the mask we wear for the rest of our lives.

I feel the things that are causing you pain are probably the exact same things that help you be good at your job. You deal with mental illness firsthand and you channel that into your work. It's very brave and I don't think it's wasted effort or suffering.

I'm with you, I am so with you. I get up and go to work and see clients daily. About once a week (sometimes more &sometimes less) I question whether I am a complete fraud or a wounded soldier fighting the good fight. I choose to believe that as long as I am caring for myself, I am a wounded soldier fighting the good fight- no matter the self deprecating and nihilistic voices in my head.

I really appreciate your position. I am currently a student of transpersonal counselling, however I have been on a journey of wanting to be a professional helper since I was 18 (I'm 34) but have always felt either 'not emotionally ready' or 'not damaged enough'. I can imagine that it's really hard being a professional listener when you also have your own issues that may still have not yet been confronted. Whilst I'm not here to give advice, I would suggest perhaps seeing a counsellor/therapist yourself and/or maybe doing something nice for yourself like yoga, dancing, in fact meditating is extremely helpful. It sounds a bit 'new age' but IMO if we can help ourselves have more finely attuned self awareness, we can be there more fully for others and not get so bogged down in those guilt feelings. One of the main things that has stopped me from actually becoming a qualified therapist has been that self talk of 'but I'm a total fraud, they're going to find out eventually'. But it's not true, if you're wanting to genuinely help people from a place of love, it doesn't matter what your asshole self-talk is telling you. All the evidence points towards the contrary; that you are a loving, caring person and you're worthy of people accepting help from you.

My mother is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist (I know, I know, I'm one of THOSE kids... adopted too, lol) and she has loads of patients who love her and have been seeing her for years and who truly feel helped by her, but she's riddled with her own issues. It's how well we can manage our own emotions in the face of others' emotional baggage, if that makes sense. I also find meditating and doing something crafty are both great mindful distractions. Anyway, I'm rambling.

I'd like to end this post by saying that throughout writing this response I've had that voice in my head saying 'how dare you respond to this post, you don't know what you're talking about, idiot.' LOL

Hi, I am john walker and i am also a therapist. Like you, i am also dealing with my health issue like Back pain.

Thanks for sharing.

I understand your feelings about "being the expert" and wondering why you can't figure things out for yourself. I'm with you, I am so with you