YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Ive been depressed for 30 years now,since age 17...i used to have some mania and was diagnosed as schitzo -affective manic depressive..but by age 20 i just became totally depressed all the time,and havnt been manic since..ive tried meds on and off since age 19 and nothing has ever worked,or done very little...after many years of illegal drug abuse i am now sober(and tens times as depressed!..god i miss my drugs but i know i can never do them again)..have i broken my brain or something? will i never be ok? ive been trying med after med and nothing works...in a few short years i will have exhausted every known med for depression/etc mental problems..there are not many meds left me to try now..and this is all making me feel it moght be truly hopeless...i always knew deep down inside i might not respond favorably to meds..but i was always holding out hope i might be saved some day..i do yoga,im a vegan,i exercise...wtf?? why do i suffer so much? i have been going to therapists on and off for years,and psychiatrists,doctors whole nine yards,etc.
the depression is so bad it causes me to fail in school,in relationships..it really is fucking up my life..i failed college 4 times..i just got so depressed i couldnt focus or remember very well,and would sink further and further the more i would fail.
i work mininum wage jobs and have totally failed at life even though i got sober.
i feel 2 emotions...depression and anger that my brain hates me. i pray,,nothing helps. if God is real he fucking hates me.

I'm sorry you have had a life long depression. God doesn't hate you.