Considering trying online therapy again, I have concerns

[neufena]

I'm considering giving online therapy another try. I tried Betterhelp before and may go back or try Talkspace. However, the big concern is I will again waste my money on a therapist who refuses to help me come to terms with my failure and instead will (again) trey to brainwash me into a false reality. I've been down that road, it leads to me dropping my guard and the false reality being smashed apart.

Below is my standard introduction I give to any new therapist, forum etc. Basically my mental health resume! Is there something wrong in the way I lay it out, is there something unclear about it? Or are some therapists just unwilling to help me?


I'm 36 years old, male and live in north Manchester. I've been unhappy all my life. My earliest memories are stilling the corner at school crying. I have no intrinsic worth, am far from good looking but have learnt to cope in society by learning to read people, identify their likes and needs then fill them. These days to an outside observer I would probably be described as 'popular' but on closer inspection, this is all a web of people I have weaved by being useful and making people rely on me. Without providing services to people I am not needed and am painfully aware that my social standing hangs by the tiniest of threads. My therapist explained I have no emotional intelligence but as I am highly analytical and have traditional intelligence I have learnt to emulate emotional intelligence so well most people cannot tell.

I have a very big interest in mental health, read and study what I can and take an interest in other people's stories. Where possible I offer advice or support, always from a point of love but also where possible, I use evidence based articles or sources rather than just say nice things. However, this has made me aware that I likely don't actually have depression but am just a broken person. I have no root cause of why I am worthless, I've done nothing wrong and nothing was done to me (aside bullying at school but that is standard growing up stuff that happens to almost everybody, if this does affect me it's due to my failure to deal with it properly and not the bullying itself).

Over the years I have tried the following (no particular order and prob incomplete), none have had any effect on my opinion of myself or the way people think about me:
Generic talk therapy/counselling (3 times)
CBT (3 times)
Group basic mental health course/training (CBT based again)
Compassionate Mind Therapy with a clinic phycologist
EMDR Therapy
Fluoxetine for 10+ years
Citalopram for the last year or so (no effect yet)
Drinking as much as possible (makes people like me but can't afford it plus need to drive to work)
Suicide (even failed at that)
Self-harm (just physically hurts, don't help the emotional pain)
Making music (everything I did was awful)
Playing music with others (adds huge pressure as my mistakes will then fuck it up for others too)
Dancing in teams (again huge pressure to get things right)
Support Group (felt unwelcome because I had no 'real' problems plus was working)
Just 'getting on with it'
Journalling (kept forgetting to do it as I have no time)
St John's Wort (no effect at all)
Putting on live music events (more pressure that if I mess up it affects people)
Sexually acting out (promiscuity, prostitutes etc)
Listening to podcasts (makes me realise I have nothing in my past to explain why I am such a failure)
Taking part in online forums (thrown out for unfair reasons, prob because they just didn't like me)
Meditation
Reading self help books (always so condescending!)

I'm not sure what I'll do now. I keep hearing people saying that improving mental health takes effort and you need to 'work on yourself' but nobody can offer even a starting point of what this work is.
What I've been searching for is a way to dull the pain. TO accept who I am. To be able to say "Yes I'm worthless and the world would be better off without me but until I die I can get on with things without pain and not make things any worse for other people".

[manuel_moe_g]

This is pretty good, lays it all out.

[Beany Boo]

I read your post.

[manuel_moe_g]

I guess my current therapist does a combination of CBT and EMDR. We concentrate on techniques that keep me from being avoidant and keep me from bombarding myself with self-hateful thoughts. I am taking therapy more seriously than I did in the past, and am getting more out of it.

[neufena]

Thanks for your comments. I think it's pretty well summed up yet the last BetterHelp therapist spent 2+ weeks telling me it was unethical to help me come to terms with being a failure and that no therapist would ever help me with it. I guess that's my concern, to drop over £100 per month on someone who will refuse to actually help.

[manuel_moe_g]

I guess lead with that you cannot abide having a fraudulently puffed up sense of self-worth, that you are more interested in techniques to make your life more bearable.

[neufena]

Thanks, I'll try saying that again.

I've found a UK based service called Big White Wall that's free or only £24 depending on where in the UK you live so I'll try that first before going back to the £100+ a month alternatives!

[rivergirl]

Neufena,
I hesitate to even offer a suggestion, but I recently stumbled on a talk by a psychologist that made sense to me in terms of my own struggles with feelings of worthlessness, and also made me think of some of your posts that I'd read in the past. The psychologist is Kristin Neff, and her work deals with self-compassion, which she defines as being completely different from self-esteem. I'm too tired and fuzzy tonight to explain further, so I'll just pass along her website address:

http://self-compassion.org/

In any case I hope you find a therapist who can offer you some real hope. Please take care. rivergirl

[scorwitz]

Hello Neufena,

I am not a therapist. Just an individual who has spent many years in various therapists offices and on medication.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but it sounds like you are seeking a therapist to help you be ok with being a "failure" and maintaining that version of reality for yourself. In my estimation, it is a therapist's role to assist a patient in questioning limiting and negative beliefs about themselves, to attempt to allow them to see their current reality as potentially flawed, and not the only option.

Years of therapy have proven three things to me:
1. Reality is not an objective constant existing in the world. It is made of up almost entirely of our beliefs about the world and our concepts and perceptions, which have been ingrained in us through our formative years.
2. It is possible to modify and release the belief systems and structures that we have about ourselves, and replace them with new ones.
3. IT IS HARD AS HELL, AND WE WILL HAVE MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY STEPS BACK AND ONLY INCREMENTAL STEPS FORWARD.

We, or I should say, "I" have a constant gravitational pull back to the way I think things are, as opposed to challenging that and trying to see them a new way. That said, I've made progress that I never thought possible a few short years ago. And, I've got a lot more to make. There are other things in your post, that I could speak to, but once again, I'm just another guy, not a pro. I commend you for continuing to seek. Just posting here is working on yourself, and I wish you the best in finding the help you are seeking!

[neufena]

Thanks for replying. I too have spent many years in various kinds of therapy and treatment. Unfortunately this is an attitude I've met many times. At first I bought into it. I tried to alter my perception of reality and build up my self esteem. However it was disastrous every time. I'd start to believe the false reality I'd created and act more confident. Then I'd end up being socially humiliated in various ways and the illusion would come crashing down. I've tried ignoring reality and its been more damaging than good. What I'm hoping for is help me accept who I am, not pretend I'm something I'm not.

I understand people want to see the best in people but not everybody is talented or worthwhile. Some of us just need to play the hand we're dealt and stop bluffing.