Unrelated Humiliation after Sexual Abuse

[Tristus]

If you can look up some information I've shared from last wonder I think you'd find my past checkered and in response I'm interesting. If it were up to me I'd be boring and normal.

And today I was fired. I think I'm in shock or numb because I don't feel much. My boss didn't even fire me, she left that up to the team of mental health workers at the VA. They have a job for me...in a factory; the same factory where I truly felt suicidal for the first time in my life. I was shocked. My team was crying and I couldn't talk.

Through the fog of sleeping pills there is one feeling that is sticking out. I want to know what this is called because all the research I've looked up over the years has yielded nothing.

In extreme humiliation I am embarrassed but feel physically violated. There is no word for this emotion that I know of but I'm very sensitive to my environment. This is important because I feel many normal events with a veracity to leave me shaking. This could be a common reaction but is maybe unique. I've defined myself as an outlier. Most of my psychological issues are rare, odd and I have presented my problems in many ways other people don't.

But this is a very physical feeling. I'm so humiliated that I feel as if I've just been raped. It's as if the only way to erase this would be to turn myself inside out. It's more than just needing a shower to scrub off the feeling of being dirty. It's as if I need to actually wash myself from inside out. And to be very blunt the feeling originates from the vagina and radiates through my whole body. It's a further indignity to be feeling this horrible, uncomfortable stimulation at the same time something horrible has happened. I can't face anything important because of this. Every conflict becomes the feeling of fighting for myself against this sexual assault. It truly feels like I'm being violated. I can't defend myself, I can't think, I can't stand to exist because I can't make the feeling stop.

What is this and how do I stop it? I'm working with several people but this is unique, like I am I guess. I'd like the ability to bounce back. Really, want to have that chance to prove my self-worth.