Episode 222: Terri Hartman

[SpookyGhost]

The 54 year-old shares about her battles with fibromyalgia, her physically abusive mother, how her illness affects her relationships, her anxieties and how expressing her emotions helped the intensity of her physical pain.

This episode is sponsored by Rooted. For more information go to http://www.rootedcenter.com

http://mentalpod.com/Terri-Hartman-podcast

[hunted]

This is my second episode to listen to. As in the first (Matty McVarish) I have identified with the speaker. I have suffered for years with fibromyalgia and I am damned angry about it. My body began to fail me in my early 40's. My last triathlon was at 41. My hips degraded from osteo-arthritis, and by 46 I had 3 giant hip surgeries. After the second surgery, I just never got better, and was diagnosed with fibro. After a time, I began to believe that something to do with a reaction to anesthesia is what triggered the fibro, convinced that it was not mental, but physical.
After a lot of reading and research, and listening to Terri, I am convinced that my fibro is a direct result of internalizing years of pain from abuse. I have never spoken about it, and only recently even wrote it down on one of Paul's surveys. I believe the symptoms of fibro are real, because I live it every day. Just like the long term affects of exposure to unhealthy chemicals affects your body, so does internalizing your pain over years.
No, I don't think I can just "think the fibro away". But maybe, just maybe if I figure out how to heal some of the pain in my head, I can stop fibro form harming me more.
I don't know.
I do know I am on a journey to heal my broken body as much as I can with real food, daily exercise (so hard with fibro, but my fitbit helps motivate me) and real rest. (also a challenge with fibro)
I am beginning to learn that in order to heal my body, I have to heal my mind. Think of a big domed room, really really big, and one small section is locked away from the rest. That tiny section is the part I live in, the rest all that pain and fear I locked away, it fills they vast space to the point of breaking. Obviously, it's beginning to seep under the door.
I do not like Fibro support groups, I do not letting people know I have it, for the same reasons Terri described, pitty and shame and the unknown too. What people think of fibro is what people think of me. I have heard them say, just another syndrome for lazy people to collect a check somewhere. Or, that it's all in my head. grrrrr.
Rambling now. Terri thank you for your candor, you opened some doors for me, and your talked helped me to understand myself a little bit better.
Paul, thank you for your show. Great job, again.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Hunted,

I'm rooting for you. Your post really moved me.

Hug,

Paul

[hunted]

Thank you Paul!
I'll take the hug. I'm rooting for me too.

hunted

[irrationalpersist]

I was moved by Terri Hartman's quiet dignity and gentle disposition. It makes sense to me that our bodies are going to reflect the real pain and suffering of childhood abuse. I'm 59 now and my stress translates into physical pain, mostly in my shoulders, middle back, lower back and hip. When I take time to reduce my stress, I am able to reduce the pain. However, I am never wholly pain free, and I have to work at it everyday or it gets worse.

I have never thought I had a specific condition, but more that my body was telling me to pay attention and take care of myself.

A month ago my brother called me to tell me he had cancer and was going to be going through a major surgery the next weekend. He kept telling me things like, "It was the best kind of cancer to have," and, "It was no big deal." He brushed away my expressions of concern and caring. When I got off the phone I had a huge pain in my chest and abdomen. Just the worst 'stomach ache' ever. I was able to talk it over with my husband and realized how angry I was at my brother's habit of minimizing, isolating, and disconnecting from any real emotional connection. After I had talked it out, and gotten in touch with my real feelings, I realized I had something I needed to say to my brother. I called him back, and told him, "I love you, I care about you, and this is a big thing to me. You have been part of my life since I was 13 months old and I can't imagine a world without you in it. I needed to tell you that." He was gracious enough to hear me out and not dismiss or invalidate my words and feelings. I felt much better and I no longer felt that awful gut-wrenching pain.

It is hard to stay on top of it on a day to day basis. I often let things slide until the pain is truly unmanageable and I have to do something about it.

Childhood abuse, in any form, is a @#$%YU [fill in your own expletive here]. I struggle with it everyday, in part because my family has habits of directing invalidating or dismissive remarks toward me. My only protection is to avoid contact. For almost 20 years I have tried to change this pattern of behaviour toward me to no avail.

My heart goes out to Terri and all those who battle the mysterious origins of our day to day struggles to live a healthy productive life. It is through our efforts that there is some hope that we might break these patterns and protect new generations from the ravages of ill mental health.

[Lost_and_Found]

Oh gosh, how to start...

I guess like the confused, invisible, fibro sufferer that I am. After listening to the Terri Hartman episode, I felt that hurt anger, the kind I am never sure is justified. So being that feelings are just feelings, I am going to let my hurt anger speak. I want to first acknowledge the generosity, openness, and vulnerability Terri showed during her interview. I appreciate her discussion of how fibro affects her life. Just being on the show takes a lot of courage and I appreciate her candor.

My "hurt anger" is not about Terri. I realize that I have an expectation that guests on the show experience their illnesses in ways that significantly impact their lives. We listen because we want to hear our voices reflected. We want to hear how others make sense of their illnesses. So yeah, I am pissed that I got stuck with a way worse case of fibro than Terri's. I think what I really mean is that I feel invisible. My fibro is far worse but it is also more typical for people with fibro. I feel that having someone with such a "mild" case of fibro on the show reinforces the belief that people with fibro are not really that debilitated. I'm not blaming you, Paul bc how could you know what constitutes a typical case of fibro. I'm so grateful the illness is covered on the show, at all. I'm saying that just as depression can vary from someone feeling "down" to someone who is suicidal, fibro can also vary and I would say Terri is on the lower end.

When I was first diagnosed, I had to take sick leaves that added up to over a year. I created a pretty cutting edge program in sustainabilty (I was a college prof). Fibro hit and I had to drop everything including what would have been the pinnacle of my career (the sustainability program). When I came back to campus after my leave, I was invisible. My program was put in the hands of someone else and she took credit for all my work. I felt more humiliated that I had in my life. I was told by a trusted colleague that many people thought I was faking (Why would I do that? We got paid for sick days we didn't take.) Other colleagues would report seeing me at the grocery store as if that showed I wasn't sick.

I was exhausted 24/7. But I had no choice but too keep my job. I was single and a mother. I sucked at my job in the classroom. My teaching ratings were lower than they had ever been. I felt like a piece of shit. I would not have made it through to age 55 (retirement age) had my psychiatrist not patched me up enough to be able to work by prescribing Adderall. No fucking judgement please. I wish I could have been able to do otherwise.

I Know four women here in Portland, all of whom have fibro. All four are single, and all are on disability. Each has had to stop working bc of the the fibro. These were women reaching what was meant to be the peaks of their careers. Each of these women lives month to month unprepared for any emergency that may arrive. A couple of these woman (including me) have days where they wonder if there will come a time when they will need help to get by. These are the more typical cases of fibro.

And here is the shit. You think I listen to the podcast to learn about fibro? No way. I am equally concerned/ terrified re: major depression. I honestly don't know which illness I would remove if I could. Each is so horrible and makes getting by hard.

[Lost_and_Found]

Thanks, Hunted. Your story is touching and I learned from it. I very much agree with your idea of holding pain in and fibro. And add a little pushing yourself too hard...

[manuel_moe_g]

I read you post, Lost_and_Found, and I honor your sense of pain. You don't deserve this burden. Please take care, and please be loving to yourself.

[Lost_and_Found]

Thank you Terri. I honestly hope you don't take my comments as directed at you. They really are not and I also honor the fact that we are all welcome on the show regardless of our issues. You certainly had enough life/growing up issues that balance everything out . You touched me so much with your transparency, esp about the abuse issues.

As controversial as it is, I agree that stress and much bigger issues, like your abuse affect our fibro symptoms. I know that to be the case with me. I often wonder if I might have been abused as a child but have no memory of it. My fibro pain seemed to come after years of holding... holding my body in rigid ways as if to fend off danger, to keep "safe." I cannot remember ever feeling safe as a kid. I don't believe my fibro symptoms are caused by body rigidity, stress, etc but I think those "keeping safe" postures probably got worse over time and may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I was first diagnosed with chronic fatigue so I didn't have pain at first. I was only (only?) exhausted all the time.

For me, I think my chronic fatigue was a result of years and years of pushing myself as far as I could. I kept giving and giving until I finally blew my wad. I went from teaching a summer class to being unable to get out of bed. I was in bed for at least 6 months, maybe a year. It was like all the years I put into my career, raising my kids, etc had a proportionate drop in how I felt after I blew said wad I pushed and pushed till I crashed.

I am sad my voice as a fibro suffer was not represented. I am sad because the fibro has changed everything I ever wanted to do. The fibro that creates all sorts of blocks that keep me from living the life I might have. For me, my fibro has devastated my life far more than the panic attacks (which I think also play a role in the fibro) and depression. I have the fibro every minute of every day whereas I can more often control my depression and panic attacks with meds. I have frequently had to cancel things at the last minute--things that I so wanted to do, things that sometimes cost a lot. Example: Pixies concert, Morrisey concert, a trip to Taipei (last week), doing things with my kids. I am so very sad that my kids grew up with a sick mom who could not do regular things any mom would do. I hate the example I give them of a beaten down woman because before I was/am an ardent feminist, a climber of 17,000 foot peaks in the Himalayas, a woman who got a Ph.D., a runner, etc etc. And yes,I might be some sort of fucking model of a sick person who who at least still has a sense of humor. Being the noble sufferer does not make it any better. Fuck that. I am crying right now bc I am so, so sad I didn't get to play with my kids enough, I didn't get to go on trips to foreign countries with them, and blah blah blah.

Terri, I started writing what I thought would be a short response to your kind response to me. Then I got into a lot of stuff that does not relate to you. I felt the need to say certain things that and I apologize but I don't want to delete words that come from my my heart. I guess what I want on the show is someone who has the devasting sort of fibro, someone who represents the voices of those of us who have had to quit our jobs, who have had to stop just about everything we loved. I want to hear from a single woman/man. I want to see how woman without a supportive partner cope. This is so much more about me than it is about you. You have gone on the show and opened your heart for all of us. You have taken a big risk on the part of listeners. You have taught us how another person copes with your particular life issues. You have given us a gift and a precious gift at that. Best to you and I wish that you keep going on as you have had. We have all learned a lot from you. And, I am glad you don't have the fibro as bad as many of us. Blessings to you, Terri

[Lost_and_Found]

Thanks, Manuel!