Episode 215 Paul struggling on Roxanne R episode

[Glock therapy]

Hello,
I just wanted to put in a huge thank-you to Paul for doing what he needed to do to get this last episode completed and on, and for being honest about how he was feeling. It is invaluably *real* and *immensely* helpful to hear you when you're struggling, Paul. It is one thing to hear someone talk about having had such experiences; it is another--and much, much more powerful one--to hear someone while they are actually in the throes of it. Being in it, then and there, and still going on. And just laying it out plainly... this is how I am right now. Such-and-such may be an explanation, or a partial explanation, for it. But the only thing I can say for sure is that I feel lost...

When feeling this way I tend to isolate and consume public radio, podcasts, newspapers and magazines and the like. And among all of that there's little-to-nowhere where I find my perspective represented: "I am utterly lost, questioning whether to go on, and I only have vague ideas as to why this is so, when it might end, and whether there's anything I can do about it." And when I'm feeling this way that is the only view I can relate to. I mean, how can I give a shit about Hillary Clinton's emails, or Netanyahu coming to Washington, or the lastest plane crash, or that baseball season is only x-fucking-days away. Any of that implicitly takes a perspective that obliterates my viewpoint--it says of course life is worth living, this stuff is worth thinking about/getting excited about it, and passivity and laying in bed staring at the ceiling is for failures/lazy selfish losers... [or at least that's how I take it, via my shit-antenna]

So thank you, Paul. In simply being honest about how you have been feeling you provide the sole counterweight I can find to all of that. I imagine others feel similarly. And if not, well, they can ... well, all loyal listeners will know what those folks can do without my having to say it Thanks Paul, thanks everyone, for this unique space. Thank you to Roxanne as well for what were deeply moving tellings of her experience, which were unusually cruel and horrific. Her reliance and good humor are inspiring--just not my focus at this particular moment. I wish for that not to be seen as overlooking or disrespecting.

-gt

[LimitedAdventure]

Oh my goodness, Glock Therapy, so very well expressed. It's exactly how I feel!

[Glock therapy]

Hey,
Thanks "LA". Yeah, I'd really like to convey to Paul that it's those moments when he thinks he's fucking up the most that are what makes the 'cast unique and especially helpful to me. I've been inspired by his openness to be more open myself with others and w/my therapist about some stuff that I really have trouble admitting. You know, I have been victimized in ugly ways at times in my life, and I find it so much easier to "bravely" talk about that stuff than to own up to stuff like excessive self-concern, vanity, pettiness, etc. It's especially unusual to hear men talk about those kinds of things. So I really appreciate Paul's unedited struggles with all that stuff *immensely*. Anyway, I think he knows that on some level, for as much as he chastises himself, he has kept moving forward with all of that. And I think that the way that Paul and other comedians are talking about their stuff is actually creating a new way within our culture to talk about such issues. It's not simply confessional, nor is it just for laughs, nor is it pseudo-scientific-blather-of-the-moment ..... don't exactly know how to describe it, but it transcends all the standard ways typically used to talk about this shit. i follow this all with a lot of interest, how the culture talks about "mental illness" (for the way we talk about things is often the sum total--or close to it-- of what those things are) and I truly feel like new ground is being broken by Paul and some other folks.

Thanks for responding. Very cool to hear you feel same... and I loves me some validation! Go MIHH!!!

-gt

[inmymind]

Glock Therapy,

"MY shit antenna" OMG, that line had me laughing. Thank you.

Yes, I don't know how Paul keeps pushing on, but its admirable and motivating that he does it. Thanks to everyone here that shares too. We often cannot be aware of the positive impact we have on each other, but its nice to stop and pause and know that we probably do contribute more than we think by doing the right thing.

God, I so need human connection, and I wish I had more of it with people on this forum. But I know that is just too much to expect when everyone is dealing with their own internal demons. I try to contribute to the site as much as I can though, because hopefully I can help someone in some small way.

Thanks everyone.
InMyMind

[marathonbar]

Glock, yes! you've put into words what I've been feeling. I keep thinking to myself, "how the hell is Paul getting these podcasts done?" It was breaking my heart listening to him, because I've been there and I can't imagine getting up the energy to do what he's done. But of course, this makes the podcast even more invaluable.
To be totally honest, part of me is freaking out, wondering what I'd do if he suddenly stopped doing the podcast. I'd be lost. I wish there was someway we could help him out. I suppose contributing to the podcast helps. I just hope he knows how much we're all rooting for him.

[SpookyGhost]

Thank you Paul, and thank you Roxanne. I am listening to this one in chunks, because the subject matter is both horrifying and familiar. One of my favorite things about this podcast is how people can put their experiences into words, since I often have similar experiences but struggle with how to express it. Roxanne did that for me when she talked about how the repressed memories made her feel.

[Glock therapy]

Hi,
Me too. I've wondered a lot about how Paul manages to do this, to schedule appearances, etc. That's always a big question for me with any of the interviewees and sometimes a bit of a frustratingly under-discussed topic. Sometimes I really want folks to be asked, "With things being as fucked-up as they are, how do you manage to maintain whatever career/activities/family life etc. you have?" There's a vast disconnect between the person's description of their inner challenges and the facts of their life. Not that they've set the world on fire, but they're functioning, and maybe successfully lighting *some* fires. I'm not blaming anyone, I think it's more a matter that all of us who have some measure of success at getting past what we're feeling are not very good at describing the micro-details of how that happens.

Also, I know I've developed a remarkable capacity to have multiple tracks running in my head--and in my life-- simultaneously. I can be speaking to a group at work, explaining how I'm working on such-and-such and it's all going pretty well and at the same time I have a voice shouting "you dumb fuck, blah, blah, you're so full of shit." Seems like that's what goes on with Paul a lot--that's how he shifts so quickly between explaining something and then cutting himself off with one of his trademark self-chastisements. He's also described having utterly miserable times while doing his TV show yet managing to get it done. He seems able to have multiple tracks going. I think I'm able to do this pretty well--for which I consider myself very fortunate, but it's also something that leaves one feeling insincere, disjointed, caught-between-worlds... and exhausted.

[unapalomablanca]

That was really beautiful, Glock Therapy. Thanks for saying it.

And thanks to Paul for allowing us to see that struggle. It communicates the reality of life with mental illness in a way that's much more powerful than words.

[Glock therapy]

Thanks Palomba and everyone else who responded to what I said. I feel very strongly about what I did post--it's what I think I value about the podcast the most and certainly what I think makes it unique. I'm not dissing the interviews, but I just love the immediacy of Paul riffing and really relate to his inner voice(s). In fact, regarding the interviews:

Spooky Ghost (and others) -- I feel as if I may have breached board etiquette, or something, by titling my post as I did and thereby tilting the discussion about this episode one way. I see now that there currently tends to be one thread per episode. I had imagined that there might be multiple threads (maybe that's the way it was on the older posts that got lost a little while ago) and so it would be helpful to make mine just focused on the particular topic I was talking about. But Roxanne's interview was incredibly gripping, painful, vivid, and... I'm sure others have other adjectives. I don't want the interview itself to get shut out of discussion and perhaps another thread on the episode would invite more comments on what was discussed in the interview itself (for anyone who cares to, but Spooky Ghost sounds like maybe you had some thoughts). Just seems like an important topic that people should have space to discuss and I feel like that may have gotten shut out.

-gt

[Sortamaybe]

I just listened to this episode this weekend, and my god, I did not expect to find myself so angry at her brothers and father. To the point of envisioning wishing she could beat them or been able to physically hurt them as payback. I normally don't advocate for that but I had such a visceral reaction while listening and I have been ruminating over it since I heard it. I know its unrealistic and I'm sure rare that a survivor has been in that position. That said Roxanne seems like such a wonderful person and I hope she is doing well.