YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

The 25 year veteran shares about sex crime myths, psychopathy, the predator personality and how society can better protect itself, especially how parents can help their children. This episode is sponsored by www.goodtherapy.org Visit Don's website www.DHLectures.com - See more at: http://mentalpod.com/#sthash.TI0l2wlu.dpuf

Thanks Paul for plucking the survey by the awesomely named McLonely Raisin to read on Episode 266.

McLonely, I am going through my own hard work of making life changes to end the habit of self-sabotage, treat myself as worthy of good things -- even good things from myself.

Your story helps bolster my belief that change is possible.

Thank you, and keep going!

Best wishes,
bp3

I had a really hard time with this episode. In fact, I think it might have been the most frustrating episode for me.

It seemed to me like Don Howell lacked empathy. He casually stated a lot of things as though they were fact that could have used some of the "digging deeper" that he kept mentioning.

Some things might seem trivial; the fact that he referred to "relationships" between adults and children with language that implied consent ("dating" etc). Also, the fact that he stated that sex crimes have to do with sex when we know that rape is not a crime of passion but one of exertion of power. He also speaks of rapists as mostly those who prey on people they do not know but statistics show us that most often rapists known their victims (thankfully he made this distinction later on with child molestation). The perpetuation of the stranger hiding in the bushes myth does a disservice to those who are at risk- the same line of misguided thinking that pushes us to buy rape-proof underwear or nail polish that can detect date rape drugs when we ought to be told that it's not the strangers that are most likely to attack us.

There were other thing that struck me much more. For instance, when discussing the way teen boys are preyed upon, he just kind of lobbed out there that "that's how serial killers are made". Paul's reaction must have clued him in because he immediately stumbled and backpedaled. But I wonder how many times he hasn't been called on that. I wonder how many times he's just casually implied or explicitly stated that if you are a teen boy who has been preyed upon sexually, you are almost certainly irreparably broken and essentially a time bomb waiting to go off in the form of hurting others.

The thing is, I KNOW he has to know better. His choice of words doesn't often communicate a clear understanding of the subject matter.

He spoke of the molestation scandal in the Catholic church and said that the reason it went on so long is because no one asked the kids if something was being done to them. I wonder how the blind eye the church turned toward these abusers factors in. What of those parishes who just shuffled priests to another location when the children DID speak up? A scandal of that size doesn't have just one root and it requires a culture that is complicit in order for it to continue. Ask the kids, yes, but for the love of everything LISTEN to them when they do speak and take action that isn't just kicking the can down the road.

Another example is when he spoke about infiltrating a group of people whose consensual kink was infantalism because his department believed it might be an "in" for catching child predators. I feel like even the most basic understanding of the psychology of sexuality and what turns people on might have led to a lot less wasted time for their department.

He spoke of women in situations of domestic abuse and how he was frustrated that when he urged them to leave he was met with excuses for the behavior of the abusers. He again stated that the reason for this was mostly due to a lack of self esteem on the part of the victims. He failed to acknowledge the lack of resources out there for survivors of domestic abuse, nor the fact that statistically the time when a person's life is most in danger is during or immediately after they leave an abuser.

I feel that the language he chose insinuated that there is something about victims of abuse (sexual or otherwise) that makes them vulnerable, but many survivors already deal with this in the form of self blame- wondering if they have some sort of sign hanging around their neck that says "hurt me". Worse, this line of thinking can lead to an "I deserve it" mentality. He made some good points about self esteem but I really feel like they could have been framed with more empathy.

What especially upset me was when he said that women who are being raped ought to just somehow ignore the primal instincts of fight or flight (not to mention tonic immobility) in order to fight back and escape their attackers. He acknowledged that this might not always be the safest thing to do, but advised to do it anyway as though it were always an option. If I were talking to him about my own assault, this kind of thing would shut me down right away. What any survivor does during a rape is the right thing to do in their situation. It's what keeps them alive, after all. The fight/flight mechanism is hard wired. It's part of our lizard brain. To imply that it's something someone can just ignore seemed to veer dangerously into victim blaming.

He implied that teen girls with any sexual agency or sexual confidence are most probably just broken and have long histories of abuse that cause them to want to be sexual. He even seemed to insinuate that these girls will try to trick "good boys" into having sex. No acknowledgement of the climate in which these girls are told that the only power or use that they have of any worth at all is their sexuality. No mention of rape culture that tells these teen boys that girls are there for their consumption.

All of the things I mentioned here have been acknowledged in other shows both by Paul and by the guests. I just felt like this particular guest fell short in really examining the roots of sex crimes and rested on generalizations that can be dangerous. I don't have any experience with trying to report an assault to the police but I know people who have and it sounds like some of these ideas are what keep people from speaking up, pursing a case and getting justice. I don't doubt that Howell has done good and helped people, but I believe that the sex crimes department would benefit greatly from a wider and deeper understanding of the survivors as well as the perpetrators and that some empathy would go a long way.

One thing about your comments, Howell did say that "stranger danger" is overblown and that kids are much more likely to be abused by someone they know. I feel like he made that

But other than that, I also found some of his language problematic as well, and agree with a lot of what you've said here, particularly involving abused boys as serial killers, and female rape victims. (I found myself thinking,"I've never been raped, and have no idea how I would react in that situation, but I'll just start psyching myself up for that now." And that that kind of attitude just contributes to making rape victims feel responsible for what happened to them, because it makes it sound like it's super easy to fight off.) So thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.

McLonely's "I am worthy" survey was incredibly moving and inspiring. Any chance you would post it, Paul?

This is the survey filled out by Lonely McRaisin.

Four months ago, I took a very difficult step and in the midst of a horrible panic attack, I called up a crisis hotline. The man on the line was incredibly kind and empathic and provided me with a number to call where I could find some free walk-in counselling nearby. I didn't even know that stuff existed. The very next week, I took another very difficult step and called the place to get details about the counseling. I had to sit an hour and a half in the parking lot before I even went inside. My head was spinning with thoughts of how I'm such a drama queen, how I'm wasting my life and not getting anywhere. But I went in. One foot in front of the other. And I saw someone. An incredible and compassionate person who made me feel at ease. And I opened up all the gashes and unhealed wounds of my life. Unfortunately, after three months she left for another job, and I was left without. I had trouble coming to terms with her leaving and in my anger, I thought I would stop attending any more walk-in sessions. And yet, somehow I found the strength to push away my reluctance and take the risk of someone new. And again, it was so worth it. The new person was different, but I still spoke just as candidly, explained the gist of my situation, and by the end of the session I was in an amazing mood and I cried on the drive home. Talking to this woman was the equivalent of a warm hug on a cold winter's day. I felt so incredibly safe talking to her. I only wished that I could have had parents that made me feel safe like that. This place also referred me to a career counseling organization adapted specifically to helping those with mental illness. I'd gone through 4 at that point and each had eventually given up on helping me because of my mood problems. This organization, on the other hand, is amazing. Open and non-judgmental, willing to offer any support possible and they ended up even referring me to a support group that meets locally. I went to that support group last night. It's a small group of people, but it's such a huge thing for me. These people understood. They didn't judge. I spent most of the group time joking about all the stupid and silly things that mental illness has pushed me into. I talked about things like my boyfriend having borderline personality or the fact that I overeat ALL the time, or how my relationship with my parents is dryer than the sahara desert. I've never had that kind of support in my life, and I've never told anyone about those things face to face. No one in my life knows about it. When I drove home from the meeting, I felt like a ton of bricks had just been lifted off my shoulders. And I fell asleep very quickly. Slept nearly 11 hours. And this morning, I saw my career counselor. And I told her about my home environment. And about how I was badly physically assaulted 2.5 years ago by a family member. And I told her how much I dissociate after my neglectful childhood. And I went deep. I never go that deep. I never planned to let myself be that vulnerable. It just happened. A random stranger I barely know, and I told her one of my darkest secrets. And I didn't even realise what effect it would have on me. I've cried several times today. Cathartic tears. Tears of letting go. I came home and I felt so ...worthy? Like I deserved to feel good. I kept having these thoughts of 'I deserve to eat a nutritious meal.' I am worth the effort. I am worthy of a clean living space. I am worthy of taking all my multivitamins. I am worthy of a pleasant clean and productive environment. I went to clean my dishes in the kitchen sink and ended up cleaning everything to a sparkle. Because I deserve to enjoy a clean kitchen. I don't know how long it will last. But all these difficult steps I've taken have changed my brain chemistry more in 4 months than I've managed in years. I am not alone. I am starting to feel more connected to the world than ever. I've developed a real love for music. Not just as a trigger of memories, but as an experience. Every drum beat, every key of a piano, every guitar string sound. Music has brought me back feeling into my body. Depression and all my dysfunctional coping habits and defenses are no longer the monster in my head, not the enemy, but rather a torn up ratty dirty blanket that my very young self used to prevent the unyielding scary outside world from painfully engulfing me. It's now becoming safer to come outside. I survived the apocalypse of my childhood and young adult life. And I'm strong. And I am loved. I am worthy.

I agree with Spiderling55 on all the problems mentioned.

I would also add that Don's overall view of "healthy" sexuality seems to be pretty close minded. He seemed to subscribe to the age old puritanical belief that men are inherently "perverted" and that women only get into fetishes or non-vanilla sex because of abuse. I don't know what he does in the bedroom but he seems pretty excited about pathologizing other people's sexual desires. I think I can pretty safely say that people who accept and embrace their sexual quirks in a safe and consensual way are not the rapists he's trying to put away so I'm not sure why he seemed so against fetishes and BDSM...like you can't live a normal life and happen to enjoy sucking on toes. Get out of here with that mess.

My first post as a listener for almost 2 years.

I too found the detective to be a bit off-putting, but it was because he was saying things that defied my logic--one of which was the notion of rape not being a control-driven act, but a sexual one. I think the example of the 14 year old girl being smart enough to position herself to fight back as really inspiring. I wish I had her wherewithal when I was 16. I didn't stop it. I didn't know I could.

My appreciation for the detective was strengthened when he started talking about how molesters/rapists/pedophiles think, what they ultimately desire and his interview techniques. There was a ton of information in the podcast that was given in a short time--probably why he painted fetish-driven sexual release with such a broad stroke--who are we to imply his vanilla sex life? Listening to the detective, I believe the way he spoke (with little empathy) was partially due to his career in law enforcement, and partially due to the horror he's seen over the years.

I hope this detective is a real "good guy" down to his bones, but I'll never know differently. I know I'll never forget the 14 year old, the knife and the bone! I hold such anger inside of me toward my rapist. I figured the next person to try would simply be ripped apart with my bare hands...

Glad I'm not alone on this one. I too noticed a general tone of victim blaming. One of the things that really irritated me was him saying he knows his kids are safe because they have a good self confidence. I was molested when I was 4 and told my family the first time it happened. Even though I was empowered enough to tell my parents and he ended up in jail, it was a deeply traumatizing experience. The idea that it wouldn't have happened if I was somehow a more outgoing 4 year old is a bit offensive. 4 years olds shouldn't be expected to outsmart manipulative adults. They're children. On the flip side I do get what he means by the idea that predators will target those that seem vulnerable. The thing is- all very young children are vulnerable compared to an adult.

I agree his attitudes about kink always being some destructive thing is really outdated too. The idea that all men are perverts and women with kink are broken is a really outdated tune.

S&M is not a pathology, and people who practice S&M are not “damaged” in some way. There aren’t many S&M studies, but in 2008, this conclusion was supported by a large and well-designed survey that reached 20,000 people. The survey was done by public health researchers at the University of New South Wales in Australia, and it found that S&Mers “were no more likely [than non-S&Mers] to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious.” Another recent study found that consensual S&M usually increases intimacy for a couple.

I'm sure the detective means well, but a little more empathy would go a long way when discussing these topics.