Episode 49:Nikki Glaser

[cyanidebreathmint]

I found this episode to be really relatable.

Nikki's comments about her eating disorder hit really close to home. The night before I listened to her episode, I was curled up in bed crying about hating myself and my body. Then I listen, and she talks about the same exact experience. I mean, I dunno if I feel better or worse about it but I do feel less alone with it, that kind of self loathing.

I also really related to the comments Paul and Nikki shared about being 0 or 10 people. I am exactly like that. I mean, I don't want to admit it's addict behavior. I prefer to tell people I am just a person of extremes. I hate or love. I give 100% or 0%. And, no, it's not really an intellectual choice because if you ask me I'll tell you everything's a gray area. But it's totally black and white that I have to lose 50 pounds in one month and I have to write a novel by April or else I should probably kill myself. (Those aren't my exact goals, but they are equally as ridiculous and stressing and held to be true.)

I feel like I'm doing this post wrong.

Anyway, I really dug hearing Nikki and Paul talk.

[dare i say it]

I feel like I'm doing this post wrong.

I know that feeling. I'm feeling it right now actually. I don't know if this will help at all, but I like the way you write. Your words are meaningful to me. Your post made me reflect on my own all-or-nothing tendencies. I get what you said about it not being a simple intellectual choice, too. That's always bothered me that I can clearly understand partial success and incremental progress and then go right back to feeling like today is either going to be the day I run a marathon or a complete couch potato day.

I haven't listened to episode 49 yet, but I will. Maybe I'll listen to it while I run that marathon. Yeah, right. Baby steps, Dan, baby steps.

[cyanidebreathmint]

Dan, I love that you always get me. And of course I appreciate the nice words you say about me! Thank you.

Regarding the intellectual choice thing, I dunno. Sometimes I think it's the fact that we can be weirdly hyper aware and detached as a (depressed, etc.) species, so that when something comes to our conscious awareness, another awareness- that the problem (whatever it may be) has existed for quite a while without our doing anything to change it, and we become overwhelmed by the detachment we have and need to remedy it NOW. I have been talking about this sort of thing in therapy, how I'll be depressed and just ignore very large portions of my life, and then when I get a window without the crippling variety of the beast (depression) I have to do EVERYTHING. Pay all of the bills I neglected, and lose all of the weight I may have put on, and call everyone I forgot to call, and make art, and write and and and...because I know the down time will come back. My therapist said, " what would it be like if you gave yourself a chance to breath when you weren't depressed?" And I said, "?????????" But there's shit to do! Maybe the 0 or 10 thing comes from the sense that "life is passing us by", as Paul says.

[dare i say it]

Yeah, my mood seems to have momentum. I try to capitalize on the times when I have energy because, well, there's shit to do. But it makes it awfully hard when I never feel like I really reach my goals. One thing that I've been working on with my therapist is to focus only on the very near future. I get in trouble when I start trying to figure out how the whole rest of my life is going to play out. Even when I'm feeling good, I'll eventually think of something way in the future that just seems too daunting. As soon as I think of something that I want that feels impossible, it totally short-circuits my motivation. At least for now, I deliberately limit my goals to 1 week, or 1 day, or less until they seem doable.

Sometimes I think it's the fact that we can be weirdly hyper aware and detached

I think you might be onto something there, but I want to be sure I completely understand your point. When you say "detached" do you mean detached from our feelings? For most of my life, I've felt not quite right. I was very aware that I couldn't engage in the world the way other people did because of how I felt. The way I felt was often so troubling that I tried not to feel it, tried to ignore it until it hopefully went away. That's what your line about being "hyperaware and detached" made me think of. Did I miss the point?

[manuel_moe_g]

As soon as I think of something that I want that feels impossible, it totally short-circuits my motivation.

This is totally my problem. I am working on having a more realistic relationship with failure. My long term dreams coupled with my short-term current level of capabilities means that failure is very possible. So I cannot afford to have a relationship with failure that debilitates me on top of that. I will fail again and again, because "if you always hit a bulls-eye on the target, you are standing too close!" And any success that I had I should just use as a foundation for further more expansive goals.

[fifthsonata]

I'm experiencing something similar to Nikki.....to have my eating disorder perpetually haunt me in various forms and not realize it until you're fully engulfed in the throws of it's devious face, so intricately hidden in another form only to be de-masked as what it truly is.

[psm45]

I'm really interested in how Nikki has been since the podcast. I relate to her completely. I'm a total health nut as well, and binge on vegan cookies and rice chips (which isn't healthy at all). But it's a total one day at a time process and I know how debilitating it can be.

[minigrogs]

I also really related to Nikki, and would like to see how she is doing. I try to listen to her podcast often as well, as I like her a lot. It is good too. I think its called You Had to Be There. Yet, I would love if she was on again for a bit or something. I loved her episode. Hope she is doing well.

[meeeghan23]

I am WAY behind with listening to the podcasts, but I really related to Nikki. I have similar struggles with my mom, talking about how disgusting her body is, how stupid she is, etc. I think that's how I learned to hate my body. I've had a tumultuous relationship with food for as long as I can remember. I remember as a kid sneaking into the kitchen and eating multiple packages of poptarts or swiss cake rolls and then denying it later when the family realized we didn't have any left.
The needing to be either 0 or 10 hit home too. That vacancy/boredom/restlessness on a constant basis when I'm alone, and feeling like I'm only "good enough" when I'm around other people. I "turn on" when I'm with other people. But I get home and it just goes back to that empty feeling like something is wrong or not there. It made me feel less alone, but also makes me wonder if I will ever be able to change it or see myself differently. Will this feeling be there forever?