from Nadereh #72

[girlonthe3rdfloor]

Most of all I want to say thanks to this great community, and to those who gave me their time to listen and specially to those who responded via e-mail saying all kind of nice things. I need no intro posting here to remind you all "how fucked up" I am as a person. I had to spend few extra session asking my therapist if I have mis-represented myself - cause why every one tell me that I am ' amazing person' ??? Then I concluded that I must have needed attention or else why would I tell people how hard my life is, and how hard I try to overcome my struggle?! There is a very "mean" person in my head that constantly question my motive and my action - and tells me that I am doing everything in my power to make others like me- or to take my side!!!! I know -I know - I am aware how much through out years I have internalized the hate, and shame that was inflicted on me, none the less - these negative reactions is part of me -and I have to make an extra effort to recognize it, or live with it- till it goes away .. or have less power over me. Its an ongoing process.
With that said - I also want every one know that I don't see myself as you all believe me to be. I also try to be carful of these "super hero tendency" where we think of some people as "strong" whatever that might be. I just try to be a responsible human who is filled with flaws- self destructive thought- and really fragile inside. I am sorry there was not enough time for me to get to the part that how on a day to day basis I am SO FUCKED UP !!! I will just name a few to give you some ideas ; anxiety -depression - low self esteem - body image issues - compulsive eating - impulsive sexual behavior - constantly being afraid that I might loose people .. having so little ability to be intimate - some times saying things to make myself look "cool". Being afraid of what other might think of me - Horrified of rejection - insomnia - fear of making big decision ... I can really fill up this page - but the only good thing is that I go to my therapist so I can "safely" hate myself - and he can teach me how to undo -these deep layers of social -political -sexual- personal abuse and oppression I had to face through out my life - OK now I feel better!!! So for those of you that think I am resilient - I want you to know - I am really like every one else - who struggle - and trying to survive it. NO MORE _NO LESS. but my biggest work after the interview is to understand & accept COMPASSION. Once again I thanks every one for offering me their compassion. Last thing - every one making fun of me for saying on the interview that "I had bigger egg to fry"!!! apparently in united state you guys have "bigger fish to fry"
I guess; My bad!!!
I am deeply content for being able to share my ups & downs with people who also go through life - and willing to face their own battle. Sorry for the long note. But like Paul says ; 'we are not alone' !!! Hugs from the "fucked up revolutionary Iranian girl" - Nadereh! and so much gratitude to every one.

[marktmayfield]

Nadereh, thank you, thank you, thank you a thousand times for sharing your story with all of us. What an amazing story! I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I cried some more... Wonderful, really, really, wonderful. No worries about the "bigger egg to fry", that was a nice twist on an old cliche and I plan to use it next time I have the chance!

[Monochrome]

Thanks for sharing with Paul and us listeners. One of the things I found most interesting in your interview was when you talked about having to face that change from a life-and-death reality in Iran to a less dramatic reality in the U.S. and your difficulty in processing that. I could have listened to a whole interview of you sharing those differences. I hope everything continues well with your son.

[amplituden]

Thank you for sharing your story. I found it very inspiring.

[Raisehell]

I am going to listen to this interview next. I'm afraid it's going to be too heavy of a subject to listen to right now. I think I need to be in a good place to take this on.

[RichardsCopyCat]

Thank you for this amazing interview, especially the ending. I also feel like Paul is talking directly to me when he says, "You are not alone," but what I feel even more is a sense of community and shared love - made even more amazing by the fact that I don't know any of the other listeners .I'm working on that, and trying to introduce this to people I know who might find it to be a life saver during dark times.