Episode 105: Ali Handal

[soliloquy]

I'm going to add my voice in agreement with what Keith and Cheldoll wrote. Especially Chel - you said it so much better than I can so early in the morning!

I really connected with Ali because I was married to a guy who ... let's just say, preferred underage girls. He would go to these under 18 and pre-teen modeling sites (the kind that are exploitative yet still legal since the models have the minimum amount of clothes on for it not to be porn) and sometimes would comment on their pages/guestbooks under a fake name and say he was around their ages.
I would have never known this if I hadn't snooped at his previously deleted AOL screen names and saw one for someone called "Matt Harris", which wasn't his name or the name of anyone in his family (this was way back when AOL was its own service and you could see that information from the master account). I feel bad for snooping, but I feel even better that I discovered this before too long in our marriage. When he didn't get help or want to discuss the issue we divorced. I regret some of the ways I handled things and communicated to him, but I did learn from it.

'It's hard for me to criticize Ali because I've been somewhere similar and I really empathize with her feelings. Hell, I still get angry about my ex and have to admit to some horrible thoughts about what he was into. I can't guarantee I would have expressed these any better than Ali did. Remember, she's being interviewed, she has to organize her thoughts and come up with answers right there, where we have time to write and think before hitting the Submit button.

I think she's just a person, like all of us.

Jenn

[nbay001]

I was surprised to see the anger toward Ali. Although the podcast was not one of my favorites, I understand her experience with much sympathy and compassion. To me, this is the story of a young women and a young man with all their inexperience and lack of self knowledge. I could relate, having been a young woman and I have a daughter who is now a young woman. Her story about her boyfriend is so much more than porn or privacy or finding weed. It's the story of being so young you don't know what your boundaries are yet and don't trust your own values. Clearly Ali as a young woman made it clear she didn't want any drug use in her life. And as is the case with so many relationships, she doubted her values and tried so hard to make it work. Obviously her boyfriend tried too. But she is right. There were core differences in their values and behaviors, so really, what other outcome could there have been. She has trust issues now, I understand. The first relationship is so fragile' and how it plays out colors us forever. I am sure her ex boyfriend has issues he is still dealing with.

Most of Ali's story of self doubt, eating issues,body image, low self esteem is the story of youth, and particularly female youth. Pornography whether illegal, legal, or of the fashion magazine kind is so rampant and has such an effect on our young women AND young men, that to dismiss Ali's story is to dismiss a very important truth in our culture.

I for one, am glad Paul included this podcast. It's not as dramatic as others; so what...I for one like the variety. I agree with Paul; there are grey areas in life we need to explore; and with compassion.

Sending you all a hug,

Paula

[oak]

As a listener from the beginning (including the very interesting first ten episodes), I offer the following thoughts, which anyone is welcome to take or leave.

Positivity and common ground

Mr. Gilmartin deserves credit for offering a free podcast. Since it is his podcast, he is welcome to have on whoever he likes. I am grateful for the encouragement and solace MIHH has provided me over the years. He is not beholden to me to offer guests/content that please me.

(He oftentimes does, since I continue to happily listen, but he is not beholden to my needs or wants.)

Ms. Handal I give credit to coming on the podcast and sharing an incident that has deeply troubled her. I agree with posters above: she is willing to be honest in a medium (nationwide podcast) to a degree that I would not be willing to do.

Also, when I walked into a support group on the happy day of October 30, 2006 I lost the right to judge another person's emotions and feelings. (A "right" I happily dispense of.) I do not judge Ms. Handal's hurt, measuring it against some made-up standard of trauma.

My takeaway from the episode

I stopped listening to the episode halfway through because it was not compelling to me. Dave Hill, the police officer, Maria Bamford all kept me rapt til the very end. This episode: nope.

In the marketplace of ideas, this episode caught, but did not keep, my attention. Again, the podcast is free and Mr. Gilmartin is welcome to talk to whoever he likes with whoever he likes for as long as he likes. Most of the time he does. This time it didn't hook me; maybe it was me. Either way, the marketplace of ideas clearly (ruthlessly?) identifies what we like.

Lastly (and I am not sure if this has been said yet), I am okay if she plugged her album during the podcast. The monetization of podcasts has been discussed elsewhere, and as a consumer of media, I accept the implicit quid pro quo of plugging during a podcast.

We all have to make a living somehow, and whether I like it or not trading value (in this case an interesting podcast) for the ability to feed oneself is a-okay with me. I celebrate both Mr. Gilmartin and Ms. Handal promoting their cultural artifacts.

In the marketplace of ideas I am welcome to take or leave anything. As an imperfect person I am willing to let Ms. Handal own her feelings, whether I agree with them or not.

I speak only for myself.