Episode 140: Self-Abuse & Paraphilia – Listener “D” - See mo

[gfyourself]

The 28 year-old listener opens up about his family’s history of avoiding emotions, his cries for help, being sexually assaulted by a male friend at 13, struggling to live on $8/hour, his cutting and self-abuse and his shame over his paraphilia (adult baby) fetish.

[gfmyself]

I'm glad "D" was a guest because I relate to so much of what he shared, including the "adult baby"/diaper paraphilia.

I think it's important to know that this has nothing to do with pedophilia or abusing children in any way. This is about wanting to BE a child. If anything, this is about preserving and protecting the innocence of childhood, not messing with other children.

I attribute my diaper/baby paraphilia with having spiritually- and emotionally-broken parents who didn't know what to do with a needy child. It's my way of desperately trying to fill an aching void of spiritual and emotional emptiness they left in me. It physically hurt to be so emotionally malnurished and unprepared for the world and I attribute my lifelong anxiety and dysthymic depression to that.

It's all I could do to escape into fantasy, whether fantasizing about what good-enough parents would be like or zoning out (disassociating?) in school from the overwhelming anxiety of being around healthy-minded peers. Wearing diapers and pretending I'm a child helps me fantasize about feeling small, helpless, cared-for and cared about. Fantasy of being rescued and having care and attention forced upon me is still a problem for me. I still draw a blank when I try to think of what I need to do in life or why I should do anything. I'd rather be in a mental institution or group home than be free to make my own life decisions. Hope is scary.

My parents had no business having a child that they couldn't fully love and care for. They both had their own personality problems, which were exacerbated when they married, and were crystallized in their child. I shouldn't be here because they shouldn't have had a child. So I've avoided life as much as possible. I have no right to interfere with other parents' well-raised children by me venturing into the world. I'd rather be locked into a crib and live as a helpless child than be allowed into the world.

I relate so much to "D" in wanting to have love and care relentlessly poured on, and feeling small and controlled is the ultimate in feeling "okay" and secure. This was the opposite of my experience as a child. I felt like a nag when I would "prompt" my parents to do their job. Even now, I feel ridiculous and humiliated to have needs, desires, or hope.

I had emotionally-cold "parents" that divorced when I was 8. They didn't show much interest in me or put much effort into making me a functional person. I stopped talking to my alcoholic father when I was 15 when I finally had the choice, and clung to my pathetic mother. It hurts to say that, but she was so passive and had her own issues with self-esteem and anxiety. She couldn't be bothered with a needy child. Into my late teens, I treated her as poorly as my father treated me when I lived alone with him for a few years.

I've lived with my single-mother into my late-20's, until she died two years ago when I was 28. At 30, I'm still living in her house on her money, still avoiding life and waiting to be told what to do.

[kitkat]

This was a great episode. I don't know if D reads the forums, but if you do, you sound like a super kind and great person who needs to go easy on himself. Big hugs and support your way.

[sdjustinr]

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[Mentalart]

Hey gf,

Thanks for creating this thread.

Sounds like you're going through a lot and I just wanted to say you're not alone and that I (and many others I'm sure) are rooting for you.

I've been doing some reading on narcissistic parents. My mother is an extreme narcissist. Maybe your parents are/were that way as well. Based on the mentalpod mini-ep, I read "Trapped in the Mirror". It was OK and whetted my appetite for more books.

I just ordered a used copy of "Toxic Parents" from Amazon. (Like a good boy I used the link from Paul's site.) I'll try to log back in and let you know how it reads.

Take care and hang in there!

[gfmyself]

Hi Mentalart, I actually didn't create this thread. I'm gfmyself. The thread creator is gfyourself. I know, I got real creative with my name by basically copying theirs Sorry for the confusion.

Thanks for your kind words. I can definitely see narcissistic traits in both of my parents. They were both very self-absorbed. What's odd is that I think they both wanted the best for me, but they were so wrapped up in their own shit that taking care of another human being was just too much, so I withered. Now an adult, I'm also self-absorbed, perpetually wounded, never feeling at-ease or "okay".

I just readd the first few pages of Toxic Parents on Amazon's page and wow, it sounds awfully familiar. I'd be very interested in what you think of the book. That is, if I don't buy it before you log back in And yeah, I'll use Paul's Amazon link, of course.

I'm so glad someone finally talked about infantilism on Mental Illness Happy Hour. It's not talked about much, probably because it's wierd and embarrassing, and maybe mistaken for pedophilia. Thanks again to "D" for talking about it.

[Blackest Dog]

Wow, "D". You are so very hard on yourself and seem like such a sincere, sweet guy who really needs friends to help you get out of your headspace and into a positive, caring path so you can see how many other people want to connect with someone as honest and open to a safe, rewarding friendship as you appear to want as well. Really big hugs to you and if you want to wear some fleece jammies and a diaper during that hug, that's cool too. It's not my kink but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be held and stroked like a baby! When I'm on tumblr, I see so many posts from teens to adults wanting to be held or cuddled or have their hair stroked or backs patted and these are thousands of "regular" people, so the wanting to be babied and loved is very common. As Dan Savage would advise, you roll your kink out as a fun game that you're inviting someone to play with you, don't be ashamed of it.
Maybe you could adopt a dog or foster care for one or volunteer at a shelter and meet some other lonely people who may not feel like they connect as easily? There are a lot of people your age with kind hearts who help animals, if you like animals, and you might be surprised how easily it is to make friends when you have a common interest. Good luck to you, you have a shining soul and deserve so much happiness! Be kind with yourself.

[dylan]

Oh jeez, I just found this thread. Everyone has been so incredibly kind, thank you...

gfmyself I so totally relate and agree with what you said; you kind of described some of my feelings better than I could.

Blackest Dog, thank you for your post. I love the volunteering at an animal shelter idea; I feel better when I'm around dogs. I think they are natural antidepressants

[brett]

Wow, D-- I can so relate. I am so glad I came across this podcast. Your early experiences with the diaper paraphilia are almost identical to mine.

It's nice to come across another kindred spirit.

Best of luck,

Brett

[Layla]

I know it has been some time since this podcast with Listener D has been posted, but as I have recently started to listen to MIHHppdcasts, I had the fortune of coming across this podcast this past week. This podcast moved me so deeply; some parts resonated with me (I could identify with some of the things you talked about). Listener D, you sound like a very sweet, gentle human being, and I send some virtual hugs your way to help heal your kind soul. I am curious to hear how you have been doing since this podcast. It would make me so incredibly happy to be your friend:) I am a nurturing, caring individual who would love to be there for you.