Episode 56: Morgan Murphy

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Morgan Murphy. May I just say you did an amazing thing, which is to articulate your experience in an authentic, emotional, and very clear way. I just finished listening and I am laughing, I'm emotionally moved, and I relate to your story in many ways.

Twenty two years ago I gave birth to my child and several months later (after weaning her from breast feeding) I was hit with postpartum depression. I didn't know what it was at the time, and unlucky for me, neither did my doctor. This started a horrible journey of suffering, emotionally and physically, experimenting with just god awful and inappropriate medications, loss of job, and divorce, and then landing in the psych hospital anyway. At least I was on the "high functioning" ward and there were lovely lawns and a pool with shallow water for our protection. A couple family members visited, a couple friends, but they were mostly uncomfortable and nervous, and like Morgan said, I felt so low and unlovable I understood why some other friends didn't even visit. I blamed myself, not them. I was the asshole who couldn't keep it together and made everyone feel so bad and sad. But there were two people in my life that made me feel normal and blessed. One, my daughter, who was three years old by then. I saw her everyday while in the hospital and she being a three year old just saw me as her loving "mama" and I was perfectly content to sit with her for hours and draw pictures, read books to her, and care for her. She was (and is) beautiful and healing just by her existence. She saw nothing wrong with me. The other person was a new friend. He reminds me of Morgan's comedienne friends. This guy sat down at the table across from me; we were having lunch. He looked at me straight in the eyes; then looked at my knife..and said "Really? They let you have knives! What kind of fucking shitty mental hospital is this?" I stared back at this man, and burst out laughing. A genuine laugh, the first for perhaps years.

Thank you Morgan and thank you Paul for this wonderful podcast.

Paula