YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Wow. What a compelling podcast that was with Dr. Zucker. I don't think human interactions get any deeper than what my ears witnessed today listening to Paul speak absolutely truthfully about his mother. I literally drew a deep breath in when he spoke of his mother as a sexual predator. That took a lifetime of courage to say, and I am guessing his healing will truly begin now.

I don't know about anyone else, but I love the idea of Dr. Zucker becoming a regular and if she eventually needs $ support in order for her to continue - well lets start the bidding... people could maybe email in questions and attach it do a donated amount maybe in the paypal section?

I volunteer a lot myself but am always aware of donor fatigue!
*****
Interesting as well, the survey about female babysitters molesting young boys, having thoughts of it etc... I was 'exposed' by a male babysitter when I was about 5, and my aversion to male genitalia probably started the day that happened. I remember my parents (after sleuthing out why on earth I was under the coffee table when they came home) made it their mission to find me another male babysitter, but the insurance of a normal one, so that I wouldn't be ruined for life. I can't imagine the discussions they had with various co-workers and friends who had teenage boys and why they were 'having them come over' to 'look after me'. But even at age 5, I knew my parents were trying to fix my brain on so many levels so that I wouldn't have trust issues. It worked. Now if only more parents handled situations that were creepy like this and instead of avoiding the situation, dealt with it head on. My parents were about 25 when I was 5. I asked them a lot later in life whatever happened to that boy and what did they try to do about it... my dad went over to their house (we lived in the projects in Ottawa) and he basically got no-where with the family. This is just the first of many different sexual situations I got myself in over my years, but I thought I would start with this one, when Paul mentioned the babysitting issues. No survey monkeys for us girls! Just kidding Paul... its ok ;D

Staci,

Thanks so much for your support. I've gotten such comfort from the outpouring of nice emails from you all. I'm sure it's unhealthy, but I want to hear a woman say to me, "I have had the impulse to do something to a boy at the age you were." And to be honest about her thoughts and feelings. I'm sure it won't heal me but maybe it will quiet this voice in my head that tells me a woman couldn't possibly get off on the things my mom did. It's like I want to be able to file it away. Maybe I"m just rushing the process. Maybe I'm getting a thrill out of going back to that scenario, but instead of my mom, it's another woman, so the sexualizing of it doesn't feel sick. I don't know. Its just such a roller coaster of emotion.

Paul

I, too, thought it was an amazing episode. I like the idea of a guest doc coming on, but I think I'd like it to be different ones. Different docs have different opinions on things, and I think variety is valuable.

Best episode so far of this wonderful show.

Paul has amazing courage, and I am so grateful he let us hear his story and his vulnerability.

I had a mother who touched me in ways that made me uncomfortable my whole life, particularly when I was a pre-teen. I never knew what to call this, and I thought I was the one who had a problem because I interpreted her actions as "icky." But, as happens so often with this show, now I know I'm not alone. I got shivers when Dr. Zucker said to Paul, "Oh she knows," in reference to his mother. She is right. They know.

Dr Zucker was a great guest. Yes, would love love love to hear her again!

This episode is what made me join the community. I've listened to a few episodes, but after hearing this....not only was I struck by the compelling honesty of Paul, but the fact he was able to ask for, accept, and then receive love and help during times of mental turmoil.


Asking for, and accepting love of other people, is something I have never been able to do.


So thank you, it is so comforting to know that it is possible to let yourself be loved without emotional repercussions...

Amazing Pod Cast -- I want to copy it to several flash drives and give it away. It covered so many subjects, my head is spinning. I will be listening again because once is not enough.

To Paul; Your interaction with Dr. Zucker was invaluable for those of us who are presently in therapy as I currently am. You two showed how honest one can be and needs to be in therapy. I realize now I have been holding back. There have been times I have been bothered by something my therapist has said (or not said), and then not gone back for several weeks; feeling shameful and angry at the same time. Hearing Paul tell his story of how honest he has been with his therapist gives me a new view of what is possible in a session.

And Dr. Zucker's conversation about postpartum depression had me hanging on her every word. Twenty two years ago I gave birth to my child and several months later (after weaning her from breast feeding) I was hit with postpartum depression. The first major symptom was not sleeping at all for 5 days. No sleep, no dozing, nothing. This was the start of my decline. It started April 5th, 1990, I will never forget. I didn't know what was happening at the time, and unlucky for me, neither did my doctor. This started a horrible journey of suffering, emotionally and physically, experimenting with just god awful and inappropriate medications, loss of job, and divorce, and then landing in the psych hospital. I didn't have family support, actually I had the opposite. I blamed myself, not them. I was the bad mother who couldn't keep it together and made everyone feel so bad and sad. It took me 5 years to get back on my feet. Still I am an endless optimist. One good thing that came of that experience is at the time I could not work. I was home full time with my daughter. Luckily we both have similar temperaments; both mellow and easy going. So I was able to do things with her I never would have if I was working full time. There is nothing as healing as playing in mud puddles, coloring, and just laying around when recovering from a major illness such as PPD. LOL...to this day, my 22 y/o daughter and I love doing crafts, art, and sitting my a river together, just chillin'.

A big hug to you Paul,

Paula

Paula wrote:I blamed myself, not them. I was the bad mother who couldn't keep it together and made everyone feel so bad and sad. It took me 5 years to get back on my feet. Still I am an endless optimist. One good thing that came of that experience is at the time I could not work. I was home full time with my daughter. Luckily we both have similar temperaments; both mellow and easy going. So I was able to do things with her I never would have if I was working full time. There is nothing as healing as playing in mud puddles, coloring, and just laying around when recovering from a major illness such as PPD. LOL...to this day, my 22 y/o daughter and I love doing crafts, art, and sitting my a river together, just chillin'.

I am so happy the story has a good ending! All the best, take care!

love ya paul

Wow. I am so moved by the outpouring of love and support from you guys. In the dark moments when my head is spinning and my chest literally aches, and I think I'm being a bad son or "too sensitive" or making things up or exaggerating for attention, I think of you guys and not only how many people share a similar story, but how many people are rooting for me. That feeling is indescribable. It's the opposite of the feeling I have when I'm in a room with someone who doesn't feel safe. And I can feel it healing me. Not fast enough for my liking, but I feel movement in the right direction. And you're right Dr. Zucker is awesome.

Paul

Wow... huge amount of courage, Paul. Thanks for sharing some of your story.