YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This episode is wonderful, Alison you are not alone! Since this interview was a while ago are there any updates? For anyone dealing with depression, body image and the like this is a show for you. The surveys at the end are a little dark so be warned.

Alison,

Just listened to the podcast and want to tell you that I have the same inner voice as well as the weight issues. I did not want to take meds for the same reasons as you. I have achieved some success in my life and career and was worried the meds would "dull" my personality or skills. But the right med does not do that - I am having success on Lamictal like Paul. I have a bipolar diagnosis and the meds are not making me slow or stupid.

The bridges of Portland comment is a thought pattern that I have too. I live in Florida so I have many more bridges . The meds are quieting that mean voice so I can process the neglect trauma I have ignored for 40 years. Even though you say that your childhood and parents were great, I heard that you became the "good, quiet girl" to save mom and dad any pain from your existence. Even though your parents didn't neglect you, there were needs you had as a six year old that circumstances prevented your folks from meeting. A therapist can help you with inner child work so the repeating patterns can change.

Just a thought about your mom's surgery where she couldn't read you the story. Perhaps having your parents help you now as an adult and feeling guilty is a repeat of that unmet need. You needed your mom and she failed you. Regardless of the reason, it hurt you deeply and then you were shamed for pressuring her. As an adult you know she was sick and unable to read that story, but the six year old could not understand why mommy would not comfort her. As silly as it sounds, find that book, sit down and read it to yourself. Or better yet, have your mom sit with you now and read it.

I know it may sound odd, but it is helping me.

Steph

I emailed Alison and asked her for an update (and a way that people could contact her if they wanted to) and here is her reply.

Hi Paul!

Thank you for allowing me that safe space to be open and vulnerable!

My website is cranialspasm.com
Twitter is twitter.com/cranialspasm

Updates?
I am now a fire performer and have also gained the confidence to start dating. Turns out i'm lovable. Sometimes it's hard to keep from slipping back into my old habits, but I try to remain positive. A slip is not a fall as long as I catch myself.

The twenty one year old woman that enjoyed being a woman, wearing dresses, being a housewife etc.

Wonderful. If she would be willing to adopt, rather than raise a child from birth, she would be the perfect woman.

I will marry you, my dear.

I liked this episode. One of the points raised that stuck with me, I'll have to go back and get the exact words, but this idea of not developing a sense of self... especially in a childhood that was "stable and safe" in that there were no major issues / abuse, but development of behaviours to support an adult life was limited.

This episode was fantastic and such a pleasant surprise to hear someone talk about getting into debt young and the effects that has. It was so helpful to hear about problems with overspending and financial mis-management.

Alison, the way you described the feeling of every bill coming in like a rock on a wood plank that slowly crushes you to death was so fucking perfect. I sunk into debt at the same age as you, at the same rate, and for the exact same reasons. I'm 18! Yay! Credit cards, vacations, concert tickets, alcohol! Wooooo! It brought me to a few failed suicide contemplations as well and I eventually declared bankruptcy - clearing it by grovelling to ask my mother for help. I could have asked her in the first place, too.

The thing that I related to and laughed at the hardest was: Money - I really, really want it and I have no idea how to get it (paraphrased). Well fucking said.

Thank you so much.

I haven't listened to this podcast since August, when I got completely caught up with everything, and branched out to others to listen to. When I finished my job in mid-October, all my time for listening to podcasts went away, because I wasn't doing mindless work at a computer 8 hours a day. Yesterday, I had driving time where I could pull out a few minutes of a podcast, and just hearing Paul's voice gave me tears of joy. It felt like a great big hug from an old friend, saying "Welcome back home." I haven't gotten to finish the podcast yet, just got through the intro, but it was great to have the opportunity to listen again.

LettEggs