YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I've been enjoying the mini episodes, mostly they've been really good but I can't believe that ANYONE would say arrogance is ok. He said "what's the worst that can happen, people will think you're arrogant, so what".

Arrogance is (in my opinion) the most horrible, nasty character flaw a person can have. If I was ever arrogant I'd be deeply upset and make sure I never dare to be arrogant EVER.

I've been thinking about this all day now.

Maybe my problem is that I hate arrogance. Maybe I hate the thing I most need. Does anyone have any tips on how I can turn off my hatred and become arrogant?

I think the point was not about arrogance, but rather to not worry so much about what other people think of you.

Sometimes, I think I can come across as arrogant, when it is the last thing on my mind that I am transmitting in this way. It has to do with talking with excitement about a project I'm working on in a loud tone of voice. So, I'm trying to be attentive to my tone of voice.

On another note, I want to say I really enjoy the mini-podcast because it's nice to hear constructive, positive, interesting guidance instead of the regular fanfare. I still enjoy hearing everyone's story, but having a professional in the counseling business is a major lift.

inmymind: I'm always very careful that when I talk about projects I keep mindful of how inferior my projects are to others. I remind myself of all the better projects out there and that helps prevent me from being arrogant. I also make sure to make everyone is aware of the other collaborators in the project and how much they do so any contributions from me are put firmly into perspective.

fifthsonata: In my opinion not worrying what be think IS being arrogant.

I have to respectfully disagree. Everyone cares about the opinion of others, it is human nature and unavoidable - but arrogance isn't the right word. Respect, empathy, harmonious....we all want that with others.

However, when you put too much stock in the opinions of others, it becomes a fruitless effort - to try to control a situation you cannot control? We can't control the opinions of others and we all have to learn when to just let it be.

Sorry, I think i mistyped. I meant that arrogance is NOT caring about what people think. As you said everybody cares about the opinions of others. Except the arrogant people who think they're so important other people's opinions don't matter for them.

I don't think the opinions of others is something you can't control. They are directly tied to how you present yourself and your achievements. People think you're a failure, you need to succeed more (or stop trying so they don't see you fail). People think you're boring you need to prep for conversations with interesting topics (something that takes a long time and is extremely draining btw but us boring people have no choice). How people see you is how you show yourself to them.

"I don't think the opinions of others is something you can't control. They are directly tied to how you present yourself and your achievements. People think you're a failure, you need to succeed more (or stop trying so they don't see you fail). People think you're boring you need to prep for conversations with interesting topics (something that takes a long time and is extremely draining btw but us boring people have no choice). How people see you is how you show yourself to them."

^
This is a mask and it is inauthentic. Trying to people-please and shifting yourself to make people like you, taking responsibility for other people's feelings/thoughts/impressions is an unending, exhausting and defeating battle. Not that we are to walk all over people instead; by any means. But we do not need to change who we are. If someone thinks I am boring, well, in Paul's words, they can go fuck themselves.

And there's the arrogance there. if they think I'm boring "they can go fuck themselves.". That's looking at the evidence (people think you're boing) and instead of working to change saying 'I'm too important to be boring so they must be wrong'.

Not everybody is born a likeable person, not everybody is born worthwhile. There's a lot of people like me out there who fight every second to bring them selves up to the level of 'just about tolerable human' and you're right it's a 'unending, exhausting and defeating battle' but the only alternatives are to curl up and die or become arrogant and fabricate a fake belief system where everybody loves you even when they don't.

Neufina, reading that....I'm really not sure how to think. I see a person who is very sad. It is pretty brazen to think you have that much influence over how you think people perceive you - no matter how hard you try, you cannot please every person you encounter. There's a time and a place to try to make someone happy, and then there's a time and a place to make sure YOU stay happy....and Neufina, you deserve to be happy, too. Working so hard to please other people so they value you - you cannot change something that is subjective. Fluid. There will always be someone who just doesn't like you no matter what you do to change the situation, and everyone has to learn when to recognize that situation and just leave it be. Move on. It's not a matter of "creating a fake belief system" - it's a matter of self-respect and preservation....having enough respect for yourself to not try to change to fit the mold of what other people think you should be.

A good example might be - I'm a vegetarian. Other people have said I'm "being stupid" for not eating meat, that it's "the circle of life," etc. I have no problem with meat consumption, but it's just not something I can do myself. Am I going to change this behavior to make them happy? No. Am I going to try to change their behavior? No. Even if someone chastises me for this belief, am I going to return that rudeness to them? No. They can say what they want because I don't care.


You're a valuable person and your worth cannot be quantified in how others see you. I hope one day you can see that in yourself, because when you do, who you are will truly come shining through. That's when the people worth your time will emerge because they will see themselves within you, even if they think you're boring sometimes or you think they're a bit of a spazz. That's the beauty and pain of life.