YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

The standup/actress shares about being the only child of parents who fled Communist Hungary, and after their divorce absorbing the brunt of her mothers mental illness (Borderline Personality Disorder). She shares about the emotional scars and how she’s working to heal them. Christina co-hosts the podcast Your Mom’s House with her husband/comedian Tom Segura.

Definitely one of the better episodes.

Its probably not a surprise that I find the guests that are closest in age to me seem to be more likely to have experiences relevant to me.

I really enjoyed this interview. My mother is a borderline from Italian/Lebanese descent...My father is beyond crazy too. Everything Christina said was exactly like me! Wanting to be the antithesis of her mother. I am 42years old and HATE Shopping and being the center of attention because those were things my mother loved. The on and on-ness of life, another birthday again!! Watching the Soprano's and relating. I even wondered if I was a boy would I have turned out to be like Tony Soprano. Having very little memories of childhood, the memories I did have were violence and confusion. The rare moments when my parents would want to hug me I would cringe and hate myself even more. I could totally relate to people thinking you are crazy because you don't talk to your own mother. I couldn't even invite her to my 3 weddings. Yup I have been married 3 times. I thought if someone liked me I had to like them back. I didn't know that I could have an opinion or a choice until I was 40 years old. To look at me from the outside people think I have the American Dream but if they could see my insides there is a black hole. Going through life without the safety net of a loving, approving mother is such a lonely place to be. I totally identified with the feeling of having to always be on the move. I can't thrive without a job because I need to be told what to do every waking moment. To make matters worse I took whatever job would hire me....where did I work for 15 years?? managing an apartment community....There are 400 people sharing 27 acres of land you bet I dealt with crazy and chaos. I am really good at managing crazy people. First I can spot them a mile away. Second they run to me like I am the messiah (not bragging about this) attracting crazy people is not a gift. I really identified with Julia Roberts character in August of Osage County. That movie was soooo true to my life I couldn't stop crying. The first 10minutes of the movie my 3rd husband (a recovering alcoholic, medicated bipolar) asked ME if I wanted to turn the show off because Meryl Streep did such a great job of acting like my mother. Jesus OMG I love JESUS!! Not in a fanatical way but here is my analogy: I hear people say God does not exist because where was he during my shitty childhood?? I say God does EXIST because without him I wouldn't of survived my shitty childhood. God gave me the gift of humor and intelligence and perseverance and patience!! You don't realize what a gift patience is until you meet people who wish they had it. Christina if you ever need any crazy mom jokes let me know. Making fun of my mother was the only way to explain her to my peers growing up. Take care...Heather

As I was listening to this, I was thinking about all the times that I had read the traits for Borderline and thought "OMG that's me!" Which in turn, hearing Christina talk so poorly about BPD and her mother made me feel like shit. I know that was not the intention or the point of the discussion, but that's how I felt. Luckily, I purposely have NOT had kids because I do not want to screw them up or harm them in any way. I do not want them talking about me like that lol. I know her feelings are valid, and I really related to her story...I guess it just made me feel a ton of shame and guilt as a person that may or may not have BPD.

Also, I haven't spoken to my own mother in 3 years and I just found out this morning that she was diagnosed as BPD. How ironic.

I loved loved loved this episode. My mother has BPD. I totally related to damn near everything Christina talked about. Except my father was crap. My mother was crazy and she never wanted children and I was the oldest. I was the buffer for my dad. And I became his surrogate wife. I helped raise the kids, took care of him and dealt with my mother. Needless to say my childhood/teenage years really sucked. Luckily, I did find out my mother was BPD when I was a teenager. It made it easier to go through the cycle - hate mom, understand mom, love/can deal with mom. I understand everything that happened, but I can't make that leap from understanding to healing. I was unhappy in my marriage - but that wasn't enough of a reason for a divorce. (I'm not happy. So? What does that matter?) I worry that the only reason I am going back is because he wants me - he wants me so I am here for him. I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know how to think of my happiness as important. I KNOW I don't know anything about love. I don't trust anything. I think my husband is an idiot for wanting me back - because how could anyone love me.

As long as I don't think about it - just do what I'm supposed to, it's not so bad.