YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Well, I was enjoying the episode up until Matt says I'm selfish for my suicide attempt. Thanks. Thanks a bunch.

I thought this was a great episode. It was hard to listen to because it was so relateable. Matt seems like a really funny guy, just having been familiar with his twitter. I wish him more success in his life.

I really liked Matt and his honesty. His laugh was so genuine, which made him instantly likable to me.

I was a little upset by the suicide being selfish comment but understand that he wasn't attacking anyone of trying to perpetuate the notion/shaming so prevalent... He was opening up about his own psychology, what he tells himself to prevent himself from acting on an impulse so many of us have. I understand because this is the only thing that keeps me from following through. And because I haven't, no one takes my illness seriously or considers me in need of help. But I live with that constant guilt and self-shaming and to Matt I want to say: please talk to your therapist about this. I'm sure your therapist would not think of this as a healthy suicide prevention tactic. Or mine, if I still went.

There is a difference between someone accusing someone else of being selfish for attempting suicide or cutting (I think it is selfish to make such accusations and focus on how what someone else does affects YOU rather than what needs that person needs addressed and victim blaming them)... And someone talking about their own experience coping and unintentionally triggering someone who has experienced that shaming. I don't think he would judge anyone as selfish who acts on tha impulse as a person who has those same urges.

This was refreshing to get a perspective from someone who did not come from a chaotic childhood who still suffers these familiar demons.

I felt a genuine love and compassion for Matt and his situation.

Main things that stand out for me:

I find it strange that his brother didn't insist that he come home with him or that he didn't offer to stay with him for at least a couple of days. That was a disturbingly serious injury that would have paralyzed him with a stronger impact. It was more than just a bad bump on the head. His entire arm was numb, his teeth were gone, his skull was cracked - all things that would have made daily life and daily tasks a challenge for a while. They had no idea what he'd be dealing with or how he'd be able to handle those tasks at all. Not to mention, he was in an impaired mental state for the first hours after. Who knows, maybe he'd turn on the stove and forget or get dizzy, fall, and crack his head open (again). It boggles my mind that he was left alone right away, even if he was "checked up on."

There does seem to be an emotional disconnect with his family that I think I would have picked up on during this podcast, even if Matt hadn't admitted it. People may not know his dad was in Vietnam. Maybe his dad surpressed those feelings by acting like he was more okay than what he was over the years while they were growing up, and that sadness affected his kids. A vibrational atmosphere is a very real thing. Spend enough time in a certain environment and you will take on the feelings and thoughts that match that envieonment, especially if you aren't aware it is even happening or you don't know how to shield yourself. Maybe I just dedicated an entire paragraph to pure fiction, but I think it is a valid possibility.

Paul was probably on to something when he suggested that Matt's sometimes extreme exercise habits were a type of self-punishment. I also think that maybe Matt is overcompensating in one or two areas while neglecting the others. He seems very absorbed by the mental and physical worlds. Maybe he wouldn't feel a need to exercise dangerously or too much if he started giving his spiritual and emotional life equal attention.

I also suspect we are just not getting the full story about Matt. Why has a healthy 43-year-old been unemployed so long? Is he on disability now because of what happened? Does his family help out with bills? Does he freelance just enough to get by? Now that I think about it, he mentioned being unemployed even before the accident. It definitely brings up a lot of questions. I wonder what is going on. I was beginning to think the running "unemployed" thing was part of his schtick, but I guess not.

And yes, he clearly implies anyone is selfish for committing suicide. I feel for him. I feel he has a lot to learn about his own condition.

As far as his comments about suicide, I felt that was his personal defense against the idea of suicide. I appreciated how he was honest about his potentially unhealthy exercise habits and felt that his views on suicide were just an extension of his self-punishment.

When you get to the point when you are really going to do it though, you're so deep into the sadness that it just makes sense. Your desire for relief is so bad and your belief that the whole world and everyone in w
it would be better off is so strong, that you can't see anything else. The darkness you have to be in is pretty deep and you need help if you spend most of your time thinking about it and entertaining it. What's scary is that it just takes a second in that state to lose your life. You finally work up the courage (momentum, whatever you want to call it) to pull that trigger and it is over. And you could have ended up on the fence again and contemplating how to live just a few seconds later... if you just would have waited for yourself to calm down and find a moment of clarity. I think the misconception is that there is this big, point of no return crossover point for everybody and there is really not. That is what is scary. Just takes a few seconds or minutes to do something stupid.

Bron, he wasn't calling you selfish, he was sharing the thoughts that stopped him from following through about it.

You're the one who made it about yourself. And that's not, uh, ...?

You know what, Spoink? Go fuck yourself.

Every time there's a suicide in the news, people go on about how selfish it is. My family makes comments about it. So maybe I feel surrounded by negativity and lack of understanding. Maybe it's a sore spot. Maybe I thought this was a place where I could express myself. But thank you so much for piling on and making me feel bad. You fucking git.

We all have a right to our feelings, Bron. I'm so sorry that you are feeling triply attacked by this, especially when so many of us have experienced victim blaming. I know after Robin Williams' death and fox need called him a coward and people so didn't want to think about it that they let that slide, I couldn't deal. Tempers flare on this subject for all sorts of reasons.

This is a place you should feel safe sharing your feelings. Whether or not someone meant to offend or hurt you doesn't matter when you are just trying to be heard and have your feelings understood. I know I'm guilty of firing off angrily at times as well and am working on that issue, please don't take the last post personally as it was the user's issue being triggered, I doubt it had anything to do with you.

Hugs. I hope somehow we can all learn how to go fuck ourselves together. Circle jerks are more fun than mastersobbing alone.

Spoink, you had that coming.

Hugs to you, Bron. I like your spirit.