YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

History: I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. My mom is a major historical cause and trigger of my anxiety. She herself is an anxious person who is incapable of handling her emotions that usually lead to crying/yelling/ freaking out (very close to my own reaction). This has lead to my mom emotionally unloading on me all my life (i.e., relationship issues, money trouble, job stress, and negative opinions of my father). As a result, I'm a major worrier, generally anxious person, an all day negative thinker, and person who generally hates to talk about anything. In response, a year after college graduation my mom was moving back with my step dad (they were separated and we were living with my aunt) i found my current job and was able to support myself financially. I stayed with my aunt and so began my move to distance myself from my mom. I should also mention we had a very close unhealthy relationship when i was a child (i was my moms emotional support when she wasn't in a relationship).

Issue: After almost two years of living on my own (now in my own apartment) my mom is beginning to emotionally unload again. During those two years i wouldn't talk to my mom very often. Then i felt like my mom stopped parenting and stopped telling me what i should do. i felt she was finally beginning to see me as an adult person, not her property or object. With the exception of a few personality issues that i know i just need to accept (she's always going to be her and will never acknowledge her own faults) things were going good. However, my mom is now again calling me to gossip and complain about family members or to frantically unload her problems on me.

Example 1 : She called me after my grandmothers house was burglarized crying and screaming (i didn't answer the first time so she left a message saying i never answer my phone when she needs me). She called to tell me she was the only one who ever did anything for my grandmother, who lives in another Country. That everyone one need to step up and do something. That my aunt was a selfish person and that she called her to tell her so and that she needed to get to my grandmothers house to do something. I mostly stayed silent on the phone ( i can tell my mom gets mad because i have no emotional reaction).

Example 2 : My mom is being asked to leave her apartment because she just bought a dog and the new owners are not okay with pets. My mom called to tell me she was being evicted and what should she do. She wanted me to cite landlord tenant law and when i told her i didn't know anything about that she seemed annoyed. My mom tends to fish around asking what she should do so i can offer to look into it and handle the problem for her. (She isn't being evicted, her lease isn't up for a few months but the new owners can impose the new rule after the end of her lease). I also do things for my mom like her taxes or pull credit score because my mom refuses to learn how and when i try to teach her it ends in another crying yelling episode. Although, i recently started acting like i don't know how to do anything else so i haven't added to the list of my skills she knows about.

I love my mom, she's my mom. But after every episode my heart races, i can't sleep and i lay in bed awake feeling my heart flip flop around. For the following week it gets harder to keep my anxiety and depression at bay. I felt i was getting better with those issues. What do i need to do to be a good daughter and still take care of myself?

Sorry this is so long and the weird format. But i needed to do it this way or it would be a long rambling run on sentence.

Thank you.

P.S. After writing this, my heart stopped racing from the most recent phone call.

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Glad to hear that writing it all down helped make your heart stop racing. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

I'm sorry your mother is difficult. My own mother is a worrier and that is where I believe I learned how to become a worrier. It may not be why I have Generalized Anxiety but it certainly contributed. You probably aren't going to find my advice satisfying but I'm going to give it to you straight...

1.) Boundaries. Your's are porous. This is bad for your mental health. I'm not suggesting you kick mom out of your life at all, just reteach her how to treat you. When she calls and starts any anxious yelling or complaining about anyone etc. you say in a loud firm voice, "Oh, I see you are not in a good mood right now Mom. So I'm going to let you go and I'll talk to you (next week/tomorrow/next month/whenever you normally call). I love you." AND HANG UP THE PHONE. You are polite but firm. You don't argue any more. You don't try to talk her out of her anxieties any more. You are not her therapist. If she's eaten up with worries you do a similar thing "Mom, I can see you are beset with worries. You really need to see a therapist. Would you like me to give you the phone number to Dr XYZ? No? You can't do that right now? OK well I'm going to leave you to your "worry time" now. I love you and I'll talk to you (next week/tomorrow/next month/whenever)." AND HANG UP THE PHONE. DO NOT PICK IT UP WHEN SHE CALLS BACK. She will punish you for this. When she does by behaving badly, you repeat the above step, but you say "I'm sorry you felt hurt that I had to enforce a boundary. But it sounds like you are still in a bad mood. So I'm going to let you go and I'll talk to you..." make sure you tell her you love her and HANG UP THE PHONE. Do not argue. Do not defend your right to have boundaries. Do not engage with her worries.

2.) Stop enabling your mother. I know this podcast is generally a fan of the "support group" format. So if that works for you, great. You might consider seeing if you can sit in on an Al Anon meeting. (In this case if there is no addiction issue present I'd ask the foreperson if it's OK for you to be there.) Because a lot of what you are doing is enabling her to remain this frightened terrified child. And she's forced you into parenting her. And you do it because that's the only way you can prove to her that you are a good daughter and earn some love. That's some co-dependence there. Otherwise if support groups aren't your thing there are lots of books available to help you through the process of untying that knot. I know it probably feels terrifying to hear me say it and for you to contemplate it, but it's better to be who you are and get the love she is willing and capable of giving than for you to kill yourself trying to give her impossible levels of support and still only get crumbs off her table. I mean you need to come to terms with who she is and what she's capable of giving, (and you might already be there.) Then you need to come to terms with what being a "good daughter" entails...it's not anywhere close to the amount of stuff she demands you give her.

3.) Self-care. Are you doing any? If you don't know how to "belly breathe" learn it. Do it now. You can look it up on YouTube. Learn how to do that. Disclosure: I have GAD with panic. So I get panic attacks. And so one of the things that I got anxious about with a panic attack was maybe I'd pass out and hit my head on the floor or a desk or something. So I beat that fear by laying down on the floor when I feel one coming on. And I think about ducks paddling around on the surface of a pond. And I just let the anxiety come. (Doing my breathing of course.) And that's how I finally got control over my panic. And I still use the breathing and ducks for anxiety because I can do that anywhere, even standing up in a line waiting. Learn to do that for yourself. Carve a piece of a beautiful world out and install it in your head for use when you are anxious and overwhelmed. Learn to take control over your anxiety instead of letting it control you. Even with your mother.

I think you are doing pretty good with the whole situation as you describe it. And it sounds like your mother has some unrealistic expectations of others. It wouldn't surprise me if she had some other issues going on too. And you do sound like a good daughter. Remember it doesn't make you a good daughter to rescue her or be her therapist. That's not in the job description, even if she thinks it's supposed to be. Take care of yourself first and foremost. That doesn't make you selfish. It makes you healthy.

Even though I've come a really long way this past year and am a lot more happier and hopeful, I still struggle with seeing everything though a worried filter. Getting out of your comfort zone is pretty unpleasant at times, but at the moment I feel, I can live with it, because only staying inside my comfort zone, made my comfort zone smaller and smaller.

only staying inside my comfort zone, made my comfort zone smaller and smaller.

So true.

Anything I do outside my comfort zone, I label as training.

I trained going to the grocery store and laundromat today,
trained going through the busy town center to work out.
Then I trained getting back home again. Sigh. Phew.