Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

I fought against panic for a good part of the morning. For 45 minutes I was working away at my computer, while openly doing audible square breathing technique. I met with HR who advised me well. They also advised me to go home. I nearly did but couldn’t. I would have taken it as a defeat if I had. I calmed down somewhat after the talk with them. I managed to do tiny tasks for the rest of the day and my breathing subsided. I still struggled whenever I got up from my computer with tension and hyperventilating, but it wasn’t full panic. But tonight I am just worried in case I said something embarrassing at any time during the day. Oh well. It is not easy not having control.

[Mental Fairy]

oh Beany Boo, this has been building up for a couple of days hasn't it? I hope you are doing better today.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MF

[Beany Boo]

I slept properly for the first time in 7 days. Well I slept each night but for about 5-6 hours and would wake at 2:30 - 3am with that feeling of not having slept. Last night I slept 7-8 hours and remember having okay dreams. But I spent yesterday fighting hyperventilation sometimes at full stretch, at one time for an extended period, without even masking it, so I was probably worn out. It felt like a success not to have resigned and to have gotten an appointment with HR who advised me not to as well. I have no work today but I feel like I am going to spend the day relapsing (as opposed to relaxing) into flashbacks. Mind you, once I fully wake up my brain might kick into repair mode if I rest it enough. Once the primitive parts realize it is not in danger today, the tension in the nervous system will dissipate.

[manuel_moe_g]

take care, Beany, wishing you the very best

it is too bad the square breathing was conspicuous, i understand it is a fine technique for managing excess anxiety

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[Beany Boo]

I’ve provisionally recovered from yesterday’s high-stress which is great because it felt like the sky was falling in at the time. I don’t quite know how I recovered so quickly but I’m not questioning it. It’s possible there’s more in store so I’m going to lean into my sleep routine and set a single priority for the foreseeable future: avoid hyperventilation-induced hypoxia.

I am also going to continue with my experiment of contriving a mildly excited sensation at the moment of experiencing anxiety. I think this might be similar to the DBT exercises of ‘half smile’ and ‘willing hands’.

I’m also going to try,

- Letting things make sense in small pockets while letting the rest of the world make no sense at all

- Accepting that things will sometimes work out well or very well but even then I may still feel bad about it if there’s change involved

- taking off my ‘normality’ mask when I am home alone. That includes, literally not holding my tongue. It takes a lot of effort to keep the mask and tongue in place when in front of others. Maybe if I start at home I might begin to drop it in public. I think that’s what precipitated the panic yesterday at least in part; not being able to self-express or feel seen.

[Beany Boo]

I did breath-control exercises more or less uninterrupted for the first four hours of work this morning. It’s a lot but it was fully needed. And it looks like it worked. It’s a little like walking across water though. Imagine, if you stop you fall in. I get through those periods now relatively intact. I have stopped worrying about how I look. It’s too much pressure though.

I started to feel the edges of the jobs I’m covering, a little, today. It gave me hints of confidence. Today I also made the biggest mistake I have made at work so far. Breath-control went into turbo overdrive when I realized. I just kept moving forward. When I told the people who I felt should know they didn’t even blink; as in ‘Really? That’s nothing…’. I still feel like a failure who happens to be getting through a difficult experience. It doesn’t make sense.

It feels like a reckoning.

[manuel_moe_g]

When I told the people who I felt should know they didn’t even blink; as in ‘Really? That’s nothing…’. I still feel like a failure who happens to be getting through a difficult experience.

You are not a failure. It is logically impossible that you <personify the abstract notion of failure>.

Actually, you are the best. You are experimenting with difficult things, that sounds like a <winner> to me.

Please take care. Thanks for posting on all your experiments; it is great stuff.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM