Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Another mini-breakthrough

The compulsive thought-phrase ‘I am not going to make it’ is being regularly replaced. Without analyzing it too much, there’s a specific feeling instead, of dissatisfaction in that same spot now. Suffering from feeling like I’m not enough has shifted to, I feel (appropriately) dissatisfied.

Paradoxically, its actually a satisfying feeling. I guess rather than painfully doubt myself, I am comfortable feeling entitled to view situations (in a general sense) as inadequate or confusing.

I would probably think that this eventuality is imaginary if not for the observation that, my outward focus lately seems more lucid, responsive and sensical. I am getting my tenses and grammar mixed up less. Less importance is going on trying to pass as a normie.

A dismal view on the future for example, is not inevitable anymore.

It’s dissatisfying.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Beany Boo, resident Zen Master!

i was only able to pick up about 30% of what you were laying down in the last post.

i think you are saying that you now feel empowered to call negative things in the world negatively and accurately. not just "going along to get along" like a "normie"

[Beany Boo]

Hi MM

Yes, that’s correct.

Thank you for the kind validation

[Mental Fairy]

Super powerful information. Taking notes.

[Beany Boo]

Still getting into existential dissatisfaction. After days it’s sort of evolving. I started to get overwhelmed until, I remembered fear of being overwhelmed is my thing. I let it settle and continue.

I’ve started bringing the mindfulness meditation breathing into my job. It feels like my will coming back to life; building energy to take my own time, to be properly listened to and to listen freely.

Also, the point at which I’m ‘supposed’ to start getting stressed is happening later and later, each time. Glomming is less of a reflex too.

Yay… !

[Mental Fairy]

I have a question.
When I go Into my meditation breathing and really allow to let my mind just be still, how do I keep myself in that state longer? I can manage maybe 6 minutes?
Only days ago I would burst into tears but that’s not the feeling I am overwhelmed with currently.
It happens in waves.
Would love your thoughts Beany Boo.

[Beany Boo]

I use two kinds of breathing.

Mindfulness meditation breathing is really just breathing normally. You’re not trying to get into a state of any kind. Just letting the breath come naturally (without ‘efforting’) and bringing your attention to the ‘thisness’ of the present for more than a moment (3 minutes plus). The more opportunities you give yourself to do this, the more you’re able to shift reflexively between the limbic (emotional) brain and the prefrontal (decision making) cortex. It’s a practice. It’s more for focusing on awareness than relaxation.

The other is more Zen breathing where the emphasis is on the out breath. You’re breathing all the air out deliberately and then letting the lungs fill on their own. It means your lungs are filling more efficiently. This is good for anxiety, especially before bedtime. It’s also good for exercise. It’s also good for mental health first aid (3-5 minutes). The impulse to breathe out comes from your belly between your pubic bone and your bellybutton. It’s a longish slow out breath through slightly pursed lips and then savouring the air as it flows in again at its own speed.

I also like to think that once it enters my body it turns from simply air into life force - which is more or less true.

I’m not trying to still my mind per se. I’m trying to allow more room around what’s always already happening anyway for my own responses to form with more fulsome-ness?

Which could be stillness.

NB: Not an expert

[Mental Fairy]

Breathing in your second description is more what I’m doing. I tend to get back from training and go right into medication after yoga.
I’m going to take on what you have said. Even in those short moments it’s very effective. However, I’m saying that I can’t seem to nail it everyday. It’s a learning process.

[Beany Boo]

I’m not sure I have an answer to how to stay in it longer.

The best advice I could offer is find a teacher. My recommendation is MBSR.

[Beany Boo]

Another mini breakthrough

I spent five minutes last night being deliberately not punishing to myself. It wasn’t easy since the habit was so strong and hardwired. But I did it; at like 5% output but it was enough.

There’s something in me that believes that I need to be punished (by myself) or, I might die.

Punishment as a safety measure. Ridiculous… astonishing.

So just to be clear, it might safer (as an adult) not to punish myself.

‘Let go or be dragged.’