Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Today was good

I was tempting fate by risking less fear more often. I was certain someone three times my size was going to burst in and catch me out.

I listened to people’s body language and vocal tone or tried to anyway. I’m going to have to learn to go short ‘listening distances’ and build up my stamina. I suspect listening will be the most important skill I learn. It’s my ticket.

There’s an unknown someone guiding me, which makes no sense. Maybe everyone is.

There’s a slim chance I’ll work a thing out.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up felt awful knew it was tiredness got up felt fine.

I had reserves in the evening, last night. I knew I’d find it difficult to listen though because of my skill level.

I did PTSD study last night and unearthed another memory. The process seems to be working. I haven’t done CBT in a long time and never for traumatic memories. I think it was a good choice to embark on this.

I’m not sure what today is going to be like which is weird because I’m usually certain. Not really sure what I want right now; like in general, but I know it’s present.

I seem to be on my game (a phrase I’ve never used) early in the day. I could pool all the techniques that come to mind to focus or, I could already be focused.

I’m going to go for taking care of someone else out of taking care of myself. I’m going to try and ‘host and guest’ (‘Omotenashi’, Zen tea ceremony); take turns in a conversation as fully as I can without efforting too much.

There’s a slim certainty I’ll work a thing out

..-..

Today’s cognitive fallacy to combat is ‘shoulds’. It doesn’t pay to think I should be doing life one way. I am not going to overreach, overreact or overthink a course. I’ll just find another way, or many.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh this is interesting and deep.
Can you elaborate about the PTSD study?

[Beany Boo]

https://www.guilford.com/books/Getting-Unstuck-from-PTSD/Resick-Stirman-LoSavio/9781462549832

Hi MF

It’s this book

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I did some listening practice. I took care of someone by reading between the lines correctly.

In general, ‘fending people off’ is how I’d describe most of my interactions. There’s a few people for which I have to prepare to routinely keep at bay. This has become apparent of late and it occurred to me to give those people a break. They’re not to blame for… whatever it is that sets me off. And neither am I. I’m going to stop (or finish) ruminating about them in my spare time.

It’s been two weeks now of underreacting in earnest; halfway I’m guessing to new habit. I’ve been afraid-just-in-case for long enough.

Yesterday I enjoyed some sensations that were probably hope and possibility. That’s good.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up fine though not enough sleep.

Today will be somewhat difficult.

I’m going to do some extra studying. I really like setting aside a long period of time and feeling like there’s space to sit and work something out without rushing. When you do work it out even partially or as one of several stages it is very satisfying.

I’m pretty sure no one is going to gang up on me today. I’m not going to walk into a situation where others feel entitled to overload me.

It will still be a difficult day but I feel tragically optimistic I have enough in me to navigate it with. Something I want is unclear and present.

There’s a slim certainty a thing will be worked out. Maybe to do with time management; how simple tasks ‘sit’ in more complex activity.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

I did three hours of study, which is a world record for me.

I rode my bike for pleasure.

I did some PTSD study as well; it’s everyday for 15 minutes.

As of today it has become clear just how much I worry about what others think. I did what I could to ease off. A few hours later I feel intense relief; it costs me a lot to do that worrying.

Still anxieting (not my word) but only moderately.

[oak]

Beany Boo, thank you for posting. I'm sorry I've offered the replies your thread deserves.

You've come a long way.

It will still be a difficult day but I feel tragically optimistic I have enough in me to navigate it with. Something I want is unclear and present.

Yes, tragic optimism: that is the real stuff.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks oak

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay

A bit tired and slow but enough sleep had

Something tells me to take it slow, which I’ve never said before.

I’m aware of going to think about people who feel like a threat to me (which technically is most people). I use this phrase and it’s surprisingly effective, ‘They can manage without me’. I know it will count later in the day.

I also go to pep myself up and think wrong move. Instead I am just going to take all the time and let whatever this is process.

It might be that something important is happening today. If I rush it or avoid, all the preparation I’ve been doing will be… dishonored(?).

The goal today is breathe.