Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay (stretched before bed).

Today feels flat.

I’m not too concerned. It’s likely to be a new turn in the recovery.

My mind is normally a conveyor belt of uninterrupted thoughts. Having spaces between them probably seems flat by comparison.

Today’s goal: listen in the spaces.

And 5 acts of kindness

[Mental Fairy]

I wait with anticipation, I tried the five acts yesterday but got shit on in return by a road rage situation when I let a person in, the car behind got pissed off! Tried helping my son with something and he ran to his dad as he’s better to deal with! Tried helping a patient, wasn’t good enough apparently as could not get earlier appointment. Grrrr

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

I should have said, the acts of kindness are not intended to be transactional. It’s not to get something back, even karmically. It’s just putting out kindness.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

Midafternoon comes good like clockwork. The morning feels less like life and death now and more like an odd, intense stage play. The stakes still seem high but they evaporate by midafternoon.

People are responding to me differently. Good differently.

I felt very needy at one point. Instead of trying to suppress it, I did everything I could to validate the feeling. That worked.

The stakes of the stage play are eventually: will the evening be mine to enjoy?

After midafternoon, I have to try and avoid drama so that, my sleep is not disrupted.

This is my daily plan.

[Mental Fairy]

Beany, have you read Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi? Yes the spelling is amazing!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

Yes, I’m familiar with the book.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up badly but proceeded regardless without too much mental labor.

I’m onto another ‘emotional intelligence’ course.

I started using one of the techniques on a particularly intractable micro-aggression at work that routinely triggers me. There’s more to it but basically, multiple someone(s) will randomly appear and just start talking at me while I’m straining already on a difficult task. The technique is, I turn and say calmly and clearly, ‘livid’. The ‘encroacher’ doesn’t register. But in it I communicate, to the ‘outside’, my real emotional experience, and then, carry on.

I did it the first few times to begin with, yesterday, as a joke. But I’ve come into work today feeling super-focused and emotionally lighter.

I’m going to cruise emotionally to midafternoon and focus on simple listening and on my five kind acts.

[Beany Boo]

Today went okay

My ‘livid’ technique worked well.

I didn’t do any premeditated acts of kindness but there were two that just came together. One I stepped away from a conversation. The other I delivered a piece of information without judgement. Context is crucial in both cases but I felt them happening and myself thinking, ‘oh… this is it’.

I felt the least distracted or needful of distraction that I have for a long time. I also felt myself not-worrying about what I was eating today, which is the first time that has happened.

I learned a new phrase: ‘situated freedom’.

I’ll be tired this evening. I’ll still enjoy it.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up crumby (overdid exercise yesterday) but it’s not an obstacle emotionally to getting up.

Studied PTSD and new work assignment last night. I’m still surprised by the absence of resistance to nightly study, that would have stopped me a month ago. I also have a sense now of what I can reasonably achieve at a work rate of an hour’s study per night. And its not like work-work - interruptions, random phone calls and weird conversations. It’s focused with time to ponder and potter.

I suspect today might be good although I feel too foggy to be sure. I started a time management module yesterday that argued the importance of planning to push through procrastination. I want a plan for today even if it aligns exactly with what I expect to happen.

The goal for today is breathe and support my needs; and if that works, others’ needs.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well

I lost my temper, midafternoon.

I realize I don’t actually possess the ‘skills’ to have a genuinely good day. I have only had bad ones; well… fraught ones. I had an objectively good day today and I didn’t really know how to respond.

‘Insert good feeling here’, I couldn’t do it. I got frustrated and lost my temper. I don’t think people understood what was happening. I didn’t at the time.

Strange to get angry about not knowing how to feel good.

I guess it takes practice.