Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke up badly but it was fine once I was out of bed.

Did PTSD study first thing. The next stage of it is a slow shift. I’m optimistic.

Today feels like a challenge. I want it to be an objectively bad day and still be okay for me. I want to hide less of myself. A fraction less.

Standing up for myself quietly and certainly seems possible today. I’m going to do it while I’m alone in my thoughts and let that tumble into situations. It doesn’t immediately invoke anxiety so I’m excited to give it a try.

The goal today is listen and let others listen to me; turn taking.

Positive thought to rehearse: people are secretly hoping for something great for me

[Mental Fairy]

We need to bottle up your insight and self knowledge and sell it and all be millionaires!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MF

[Beany Boo]

Today went well; a good pace.

It’s midafternoon now and I feel like ‘I made it!’

I did some emotional intelligence techniques with other people today and they worked a treat.

The morning mood was endurable today. There was less desperation in it.

I think if the evening goes well I might plan out my acts of kindness a little for tomorrow. It might be easier to turn them into something that way.

The ‘new feeling’ was lurking again today. I don’t know what it is still.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up genuinely unwell. I just focused on managing it as best I could.

I think I overdid it - exercise-wise - the night before.

I lowered my expectations for getting through the day. I came good midafternoon but was still somewhat uncomfortable.

When it was time to study in the evening I was more or less back to normal.

Today was a lesson in pacing and self-care. Even though it felt like a setback, I think I succeeded in getting through it.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up a little unsteady though mentally okay.

The PTSD study last night put me right and I did more this morning. I like where it is going.

I figure today will be a normal one. I feel less inclined to keep the whole ship afloat all by myself. As ludicrous as it sounds, I’m just going to keep my plank afloat and hope that it sets a good example to others. Avoid the ill effects of ‘groupthink’ basically.

I think the ‘new’ or missing feeling might have something to do with fun. I think there might be a pallet of feelings there that got overtaken by trauma at different points. Maybe I’ll recall the feelings that support fun and/or let them surface again.

Today will be about listening to vocal tone and taking turns. And if I stop trying to control my image with my voice, they might see something.

And to paddle towards 5 acts of (unconditional) kindness.

Today’s positive thought is slightly abstract: Everything is going to take it easy.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I was involved in a conflict and a crisis today. But they were both in proportion; right-sized as they say. I felt like I resolved some issues by engaging in them. There was kindness in my approach as well.

On that note, I finally did a kind act that I felt was deliberate. A man in the street’s shopping bag broke and I gave him one I happened to have.

I noticed that the crisis/conflict events would, until very recently, have sent me back into overwhelming childhood fears. Now they hold no animus. They’re just problems requiring attention.

It shows the PTSD study is working.

Midafternoon came with the determination to not let the day’s events interfere with my evening.

Hopefully, I’m leveling up here.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay

Yesterday’s conflict occurred after midafternoon so I expected it to disrupt my sleep. It wasn’t too bad though. I did seem to dwell on it a bit, just without the enthusiastic worry that usually comes.

I’m aware I have limited capacity going into today, which I have to conserve. Not being drawn in though may be difficult. I’d prefer to reach an actual objective so, I might have to settle for something small and terrible.

Listening really worked for me yesterday, better than I could have predicted. It’s a little shocking when things I put in play return results. I have to remember now to keep going: listening to vocal tone and doubling down on turn-taking.

I am going to work something specific out today.

And 5 acts of kindness.

[Beany Boo]

Today went according to plan. The plan from this morning that is. I wasn’t expecting that when I made it.

I had enough presence of mind today to listen to a few people. I listened with ‘positive assumption’ and used questions to display my attention. It wasn’t masterful but it was my best effort yet.

Someone was kind to me today and I was ready to receive it.

It was a busy day but my mind felt ordered (perhaps a better word than healthy). It’s humbling to pass another midafternoon intact.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up well

The morning was a slight comedy of errors. Circumstances conspired but I’ve passed through relatively unscathed.

I feel a bit beaten by the week. I suspect though it’s because I inserted myself more than ever before. There was more of me exposed to risks. That considered, I did okay.

Today I don’t know, the goal is take turns with others in being kind. Whether that’s with listening or kind regard it doesn’t matter. Taking care of myself emotionally might be the key.