Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

Woke up intact.

I feel confident.

I’m going to make it through to midafternoon.

I think I’m going to be able to take some risks today.

I might try and hold my tongue a little less. I’ll pause and think before answering people.

A little less afraid of succeeding. A little less braced for a bumpy day.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up okay.

There was a clear idea on my mind that I couldn’t put in a sentence. I wrestled it and then relented.

I think a lot of my anxiety is around communication. A lot of the stuff I do is to compensate for failing to communicate.

I’m not going to try so hard at it today. I’m aware now that there are natural and structural limits that make it difficult. I’m also in a position where no one is expecting me to communicate (outside a loop of repetitive chatter).

I also understand now communication is not just words. It’s culture and context too.

If I experience moments where there is genuine communication though my anxiety goes down. I feel like really did something.

Heading towards midafternoon, I’ll observe the few chances I have to really communicate and try and be present for them, and learn.

And five acts of kindness.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up with the alarm but not anxiety.

There’s some morning frustration but it turns slowly into a gentle determination more readily at the same time each day.

I don’t know what today will hold. I’m going to give it about 60%, with regular short breaks to recalibrate. I felt the respect this week so the need to compensate with over-effort-ing is not there so much today.

I’m also grateful that the determination is gentle and giving way to ordered thinking.

I am sure that is the condition for a new opportunity. I am on the lookout for it but I still feel like it needs to be in secret so no one catches me (this is a childhood defense I’m guessing).

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

I felt very aware of people and my surroundings. I think some slight adjustments to my dietary intake has given me some extra attentiveness.

The determination I mentioned earlier, took me places. It feels like I’m working a process where I need to feel comfortable with determination first and then the insights and goals will develop as a result, once it’s up and running.

I am also confident experiencing trepidation. It’s natural. Feeling less stuck has a double edge.

I made it to midafternoon. I’m just going to take it easy now until bedtime.

[oak]

I made it to midafternoon.

I say this non-sarcastically: that is an accomplishment.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak

[Beany Boo]

Woke up after good sleep.

I probably won’t get much done today.

I feel good but limited somehow.

I’m a bit fatigued at searching for a way forward.

I’m also tired of trying to constantly show myself I’m intelligent or sensitive.

I’m inclined to bumble through today with minimal control and just give myself a break.

The goal today is the basic getting through to midafternoon at a steady pace.

[Beany Boo]

Woke just before the alarm.

I feel resilient today. Resilient without rigidity.

I’m doing a few CBT type things to keep me primed.

I feel optimistic about midafternoon.

Between now and then there’s a space for empathy and honesty.

[Beany Boo]

Today went well.

My thoughts were the most orderly they’ve been so far, well… in a long time.

It seems to be a matter of balancing your energy level with the way you pitch your goals during the day.

I realize that the pacing myself that I’ve been doing is part of managing my daily cognitive load.

If I can find an elegant way through the day that is economical with the limited amount of energy available, I can land in the evening with enough left to do some self-care.

I can see now that the anxieting at bedtime was a desperate scramble to put thoughts in order while there wasn’t enough energy to do so. Not that there won’t be nights like that in future.

[Beany Boo]

Woke up on the alarm but with sufficient sleep.

I felt frustrated, as expected, but there was more. I’ve started viewing all my emotions as positive. So the quality of the frustration felt different and easier to experience for longer, until it became satisfying.

I’m aiming to act stupid today. I’m so fixated on seeming intelligent, I’m going to test what happens when I let go of that.

The determination is starting to sit easy each day and natural, which is strange. I expected it to be something I had to push, not a naturally occurring force.

I’m going to be quite clunky at stupidity at first.

Kind and stupid, until midafternoon.